It's not the same of course

I just sat down after spending about 2+ hours in the kitchen. I do have 2 egg dishes in the fridge and the muffins are in a zip lock bag. I had some tears while I did that. I wish I could be more happy about doing those things but the truth is I just miss Gail so much. I am at a point now that not too often do I break up in a crowd. It does happen but not so much as it did the first 1 1/2 months. BUT it is so hard to do some of the things that I did in the past when Gail was here. I caught myself saying that I needed to ask Gail how to do something tonight. I do believe that my heart will mostly heal and my spirit will come back most of the way but for now it just is so lonely. I dare not go to thoughts of some of the dreams we had. If life is much about dreams then we had a full full life but for now I dare not go there for a while. I think that stupid social security "death benefit" thing just threw me for a loop. How dare they call it a death benefit as there is no benefit in a loved one dying. I wish I had not applied for the stupid $255 thing but I did and it will come and I suppose this time will pass.
Well I need to put one of those dishes in the oven at 6 AM so I should get to bed. Perhaps this whole darn night is just partly tired. I did not sleep well last night and then I actually over slept for meeting John for breakfast.
Tonight I just am not happy and sometimes when that happens I just think it may feel good to delete the blog and forget about writing. At times when I read it back to myself I just say that it is so silly and stupid that it is senseless. I know that there are a few people who read it but times like this who cares, no I better quit. Sometimes sleep really helps so I will try that.

So ALL Gail

Tonight I need to put together 2 egg dishes and make some muffins for our 7:30 breakfast meeting at my house in the morning but I just had to put this picture out.
It is ALL Gail. As I was going through some things in the garage yesterday I came across this on a shelf. That is how Gail packed our window scrapper and little dust pan for our 7 week camping trip in the fall of 07. All neat in a zip lock bag and I know she kept it in the bag for when we would use it again. I promised myself I would keep it like that and I will use it again.
Liam had lunch with me today. His menu was pepperoni pizza with milk. He suggested I make the pizza but I told him I did not have time. After that it was cartoons and a movie. Mary, Audrey and Henry then came over for about 2 hours. Liam asked if he would be coming again as he did not have grandpa all to himself!!

Gail in her glory

Taken in the summer of 1977. Gail loved outdoors, she loved her family and she could have worked in the garden all day so there you see her in her glory. It is easy to see that everyone is happy.
I had a few triggers times today. As I drove past St. Thomas I could not help but remember the summer of 1968 when we were first married and going to summer school in Minot. It was a summer of being just the two of us and the things we took pleasure in were so new, so fresh and so silly at times. I remember walking in the rain and loving it, I remember seeing who could get home first to hide from the other, I tried to cut Gail's hair and in the middle we had to call a beauty shop and we could not stop laughing and of course there were things I would not share on this blog but all were so much a part of our new life together. It seemed like we had waited so long to be married and finally we were one in so many ways. If I remember correctly we got about $150 for our wedding and that seemed like so much money to be able to spend on home things. Some things we were able to purchase were a card table, a tape recorder, silverware and dishes. Anyway that was one trigger! I still get misty every time I am with grandchildren. I was with Faustina and Jude as well as dinner with John/Mary and family. I love the grand kids so much but I miss Gail so much when I am with them.
Actually I think for the first time today in the last several months I had a small glimmer of spark when I thought about house projects. I have been sorting, cleaning, recycling etc. but I am talking about projects to make the house nicer. I need to rehab the bathroom upstairs and I actually got a bit excited when I looked at new toilets in the store. I would say on a scale of 1-10 I was excited about .5 so that is a start. One thought I had was when Gail and I would talk about doing something we would sometimes have different ideas. I know there were times I thought to myself if I could just go ahead and do it things would be so easy!! Now I CAN go ahead and do it and it is no fun. How life has a way of coming back to bite a person in the wrong way and wrong place!!!
I am going to pick Liam up from pre-school tomorrow and we will have lunch together and then he wants to watch some cartoons so that should be fun. I had better get some sleep.

A long time ago

This picture was taken in 1976. You can see Travis staying really close to his mother. This was the year before we moved to St. Paul.
Today was one of those days that I guess is hard to explain. I went to men's group and on the way home I thought that my stomach didn't feel very good. Then it dawned on me that I had forgotten to eat dinner and I was hungry. One of the men in the group is going through major health problems with his wife. She will have a ten hour surgery December 1 when doctors will take out part of her jaw and rebuild it with a bone from her leg. It just was so difficult for me to listen to that. The whole night I could not get Gail out of my mind and what she went through the last months of her life. As I drove home I just felt that I was lifeless and helpless. I do know better than to try to figure out illness but it is so hard to see loved ones go through suffering and pain. One of the most lasting impressions of Gail's cancer is that of seeing how totally helpless we are when a human body goes through pain and suffering. I am talking about the physical part because we all know that the emotional and spiritual part one can deal with through our God. Actually I also know that the 100's of people praying also helped Gail with the physical pain but it still was hard to see her go through that.
There was also a trigger moment tonight. A trigger moment is when something happens and it triggers those emotions. Several months ago our men's group had scheduled a night in December with our wives. It was brought up tonight and of course it triggered those darn tears again.
For some reason I am tired so will probably go to bed early.

Memories

Another picture of Gail and her Buster. I wonder if Buster is in heaven and Gail just jumps on him and rides in the wind everyday.
Nine weeks ago today on a Friday(Sept 18) we were preparing for Gail's funeral. In my memory forever will be details of the day. Some of the ones that are most vivid are the wonderful sharings at the lunch, the cars (about 75) with lights on winding around out to the cemetery, how proud I was of Gail as so many people shared how much they loved Gail and how special she was, the finality of the moment when they closed the casket and the list could go on.
I often use the term "plastic person" and by that there are many times when someone puts on a smile for show or does a laugh just for you ETC. Well as I have been thinking so much about Gail I came to realize that one of the special things about Gail was she was NEVER plastic. What you saw and what you heard was REAL, it was the real Gail whether you liked it or believed it or agreed or disagreed it made no difference because there was nothing plastic about anything she did. I think she got that from her dad. In the end to be real is to be respected and loved by many.
I am going to do some more sorting, cleaning etc. today as Thanksgiving with each passing day comes closer.

Back to the 60's

A chevy family!!!! From left to right is Jeanne (Al's first wife), grandma Saunders, Allen Saunders, Gail and then sister Deb. Gail is by the car her dad gave her so she could get to student teaching and it was our only car for the first 2 years of marriage. When we moved 4 times in our first year everything we owned got in the car, including our 3 drawer file!! I can not tell you the years of all the cars but I do know ours was a 1961 Biscayne.
I experienced a big knot in my stomach this morning that is still there. I went to SS to file for Gail's death benefit. A one time sum of $255! I had gone to St. Paul office last Friday and when I arrived I am guessing there were 60 people waiting. I did not stay. This morning I went to Brooklyn Center and I only had to wait 40 minutes. I actually do not know if it was worth it. "Death Benefit" sounds so cold, hard and final. I had brought nothing to read while I waited so I just sat there and remembered---all kinds of things like our wedding day, like our first date, like our canoe days near our farm, like motorcycle rides and of course how incredibly cute Gail was as a little girl and how beautiful she was in her adult life. I did fall and found myself saying Lord this is so hard and then I was reminded that the risk of great love is great pain. With that thought I said thank you Lord and went on to thinking about what I should do today.
The day is wonderful. Sun shine, warm temps and it is great to be alive---I think.

A day of change

Much of my day was spent in preparing and having the wrap up of our August camp. It was so different and very difficult without Gail. Of course I vacuumed, dusted, picked up and those kind of things and that was work but really the absence of Gail's love, her care of detail, her smile and most of all knowing that this is the beginning of camp 2010 without Gail was difficult to deal with. She could not do a lot for camp 2009 but the hope, the expectation, the faith that she would be with us for 2010 was always in the back of my mind. Now, that hope is gone and the reality is I am the trigger man almost without the ammunition. Well it is not quite like that but almost. I do believe that God will bless camp in perhaps a greater way without Gail but at this time such a dream is hard to come up with. Of course we have Jeanne, Ginny, Molly and Mike but there is not Gail and she is about as irreplaceable as trying to drive a car without the gas.
Susan Wind made most of the meal and it was delicious, thank you Susan.
I drove Henry to school today as I was going that way at about that time anyway. It was so cute as at his request I was trying to explain to him why I was changing some things in the den. When I was all finished he just said--I liked it the way it was. This is before he had seen what I had changed. Of course he loved grandma and everything she did. I am sure he does not understand why grandpa needs to change anything. I am not so sure either but I do know that I am no longer a we, I am a me and despite what I would like life goes on and "me"s have different needs than a "we". I actually need Gail but that is not possible so I will smile, I will persevere and I will ask God what he has in mind. He must have something because I certainly can not come up with much at this time. I think if he decided to mold me into a ball of clay so that some young child could play with me I may just end up drying up, falling to the earth and cracking into a thousand pieces.
Not any big plans tomorrow but the guys will come at 6 for meditations so I best be ready.