The wheels

The new wheels.  As I was thinking today I realized this is the first car that I have bought.  Before we were married I only had a bike and a motorcycle and when we got married Gail had a car.  Then for the next years of course it was our car when ever we bought so here I am at the age of 63 buying my first car so to speak.
A rather slow day.  We did have meditations this morning and then Travis and I met for breakfast.  I went on a walk after that but from 11:00 to now I did not one stitch of work. 
I did do a first.  It was sad but I got through it.  Gail and I often would go down to a picnic place on the Mississippi River called hidden falls.  Well I stopped at the store, just like Gail and I would do and got food---I then headed down to hidden falls for my picnic.  I, myself and me were all there.  No Gail and really no fun but I got through it and I may do it again sometime.  I should look up the word picnic but I think it may imply 2 or more people!!!   Regardless I did it and the "first" is over with.  I should have kept a log of all the picnics we went on from the time we were married.  I know there were 100's and maybe 1000's. 
I find that I have to force myself to do things and then after the first time it is not so difficult.  I have been in kind of a mini funk this week and it would be so easy to stay home and isolate oneself from the world.  Perhaps I did that in a very small way this afternoon but 1/2 day of it is not so bad.  I just need to be careful to not do that toooooo much.
I did not sleep well at all last night.  I was so pleased as it seemed my sleeping problems were behind me and perhaps they are.  I hope last night was just last night and not a pattern so will see tonight. 
I can not say enough about the weather, the trees etc.  The sight and the smell of the blossoms is almost intoxicating. 
Now that I fixed my internet I was even able to post some pictures on Facebook.  That was surprising.  I do not look at it very much but I had tried to post pictures in the past and I would get kicked off internet. 
I got some dishes done today.  I had not washed dishes all week and there were not too many but nice to get some of them done.  Certainly makes the kitchen look better.
I am debating if I should go in the shop tonight or read a book.  I may toss a coin!

Life moves on

No picture today.  I looked back on my blog of April 28, 2009 and it had been the second week of no grandma and grandpa Thursday.  Don't know if we had any more or not.
Has already been an interesting day.  Got my walk in this morning early, like I left the house at 6:10.  Was back and ready to eat by 7:30.  I went to get some flowers for Gail's grave site.  They have marked where they will put in the foundation for the monument so that process has started.  I did not buy expensive flowers and when I had set them out I thought really Gail deserves better than that but I left them.  It is always surprising to me how many people one sees there.  As I was leaving I noticed a young gal, maybe 20 or so get out of her car and walk a short way to a grave site.  I noticed she was carrying a cup of coffee.  In my mirror as I looked back I saw her pour the coffee over the grave.  I thought gee don't they serve coffee in heaven??  Then I pictured the flowers I had left for Gail and I didn't say anymore!!!
On my way home I stopped and purchased some jeans that were on sale.  Part of the sale was also a free shirt.  So I paid $25 and got things valued at $55 so I thought I did well!!
The weather is just perfect.  When a person walks the sight and the smell of the trees is wonderful.
Cynthia and Faustina stopped by this morning. That was nice.  Like I said yesterday, those grand kids are the grandest thing ever.  Will meet Travis for breakfast tomorrow so that will be fun.
I am on my way outside to see if I can get some work don

Tuesday

This blog is doing funny things but here goes.  Adrich is on the left and I did not feel like that today.  Cynthia takes care of him.  Leo is on the right and I felt like that today!!
I got my walk in, got a short bike ride in, mowed the lawn and put some week killer on it, made a flyer for our Servant Camp fund raiser and delivered it to our office and had a nice chat with Larry B. 
Here are some things I have had on my mind.  They are not real sad, not real wonderful nor are they profound, just me 7+ months after Gail left us and thinking about what is next.

• My days are often filled with things that I never did in the past
• My memories are of Gail but my thoughts are towards the future
• I often think like Leo looks!
• I am so thankful for family
• I know grandkids are the grandest thing in the world
• I understand why Jesus was a woodworker
• I know why greving people often make bad decisions
• Things can be expensive, friendships are priceless
• Memories can be both happy thoughts and building blocks
• New friends are fun, old friends are indispensable
• A house can be a place to live without being a home
• Children are a most precious commodity
• Time spent with family is worth a million dollars
• Dirty dishes have a way of cloning themselves
• One person can make as much mess as two
• BUT, two people are better than one
• Eating alone is like kissing someone with bad breath.  It may be necessary at times but it is not fun
• Cooking for only yourself is like planning a party and nobody shows up
• Early to bed and early to rise makes a man, well lonesome early!!
• I think of Servant Camp a lot.  I hope many people come.  I hope grandchildren, friends and neighbors go to http://www.servantcamp.org and register for camp!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A new day and a new thing

Here are our birthday boys April 15.  They sure had fun at the party.
I was happy as I got my walk in early today and it was good.  I hope to walk that 4+ mile route at least 6 times a week as I need the exercise. 
I purchased a different car today.  I downsized to a Honda Accord.  I think the salesman did his job, he made me feel like I got a good deal!!
I spent some time with Qwest today and I think my internet is now good to go.  At least so far so good.
Not much new here.  I once again did not get out into my shop and I think I still have somewhat of a thing about that without Gail.  I still can hear her words echo when she said about a year ago Carmen I can't die soon because I need to see the beautiful things you make.  Every time I hear that I get this lump in my throat or a tear in my eye.  It is not bad, it just happens.
I plan to get some yard work done tomorrow, we will see what happens.  Got to take care of those dumb weeds before they get out of hand.  Our neighbors had a tree sprayed near our yard today and afterward Wallace would not go outside, it must have smelled too much.
I am out of words and out of energy.

Another new week

Here is Travis and Jude.  They both look happy!!
I finished my work at the fair grounds today by 3:15 and headed home. I think working 36 1/2 hr in 3 days is just a bit much.    I thought about getting up at 5:00 AM each of the last 3 mornings and thought how did Gail and I do it at 4:00 AM or so each morning for 18 years???  By the time the end rolled around today I was beat.
I did get a 4+ mile walk in when I arrived home and that was good.  Had not been able to do that since Thursday so I needed the walk.  I plan to resume my morning walks tomorrow.
I am tired now so will try to get to bed no later than 10 tonight.  If I do that I should be able to get up by 6 and be good to go.
This weekend was the first extended work at the fair grounds since Gail's death.  The thoughts were many and the memories were fresh but I did OK I think.  I tend to get really impatient and want to hurry things along but it just can not be done.  God must have a reason for the length of the grieving process.  Today I was very sad.  Cynthia/Mike invited me for dinner but I just needed to be alone.  Am I better than a month ago, for sure.  Am I better than 2 months ago, you bet.  Am I better than last week, maybe!!  Have I accepted Gail's death, I know I have.  Is it easier than 2 months ago, I know it is.  Is it easy, I know it is not.  Am I ready to move on, I don't know but I doubt it.  Does Gail's loss linger in my heart and soul, it does and it is so heavy.  BUT I do think I am OK.  Another guy who was working at the fair grounds lost his wife 18 months ago.  He said he suffers sometimes from depression but he is trying his best to move on with life.  We each shared a bit with watery eyes and slumped shoulders but I think with a resolve that better times are ahead. 
My week is not too busy so that is good.  I want and I need to get into that shop more.  It will happen.
I had some enjoyable times working this weekend.  I find that interacting with people I don't know is kind of fun but I did find out I need to be careful as to what I say, who I talk to and how I say my words.  I will not get into details but I know I need to change some of my ways.
As I finish this I hope I can post it as this internet is still kind of funky and not good. 

Another 13 1/2 hour day

I think I have used this picture before but I have not had time to download new pictures.  This was taken in CA I think.
Another long day, 6:00 AM-7:15 PM without any breaks at the fair grounds.  I am scheduled to work tomorrow until 3:00 and that is it.
The work is not hard but it is just long.  I read a lot and went through 2 boxes that I brought along.  In the morning it rained so stayed in the pickup when ever I could.
 I went through 2 boxes of memories that I brought with me so it was an emotional time.  Many notes and cards I had sent Gail and also Christmas letters so the eyes are a bit sore tonight. 
I continue to have problems with my internet so this is short.

A quickie

Worked at the fair from 6:00 AM-7:30 PM without a break for lunch or anything so am tired. 
It was an emotional day.  One year ago Gail left for the women's retreat which was the last out of town event she went to.  I also finishing reading the book, "The Book Thief".  A very good book but many sad things in it.  I would certainly recommend it.  Also working at the fair there were many memories as that job was Gail's idea so I spent time with wet eyes but I got through it OK.  Came through last night with little sleep so will got to bed early. 
Tomorrow another day that long so no home work this weekend.
God is so present and so good.

Thursday

Am continuing to have difficulties with internet so don't know if this will post.  Will make it short.
For the next 3 days I will be working 6 AM-6 PM at the fair grounds.  Will get nothing else done I am sure.
Did some yard work today.  I actually got a lot done and realized that perhaps I can do the yard alone but now for me the question is will it be fun.  We will see.  I truely missed Gail today.  No stop for a water break, no wow that sure looks nice honey, no sitting for a rest and talking.  It will get better I know but it was a bit difficult today.  I did get a 4 1/2 mile walk in and that was good but for the next 3 days will not get that in.
I am going to try sleeping with the window open tonight.  First time for a long time. 
I will stop and see if I can post this.  I need to call Quest but have not taken the time yet.

Grandpa's little dollies

My dollies came over to play yesterday. 
I spent MUCH money today.  Went to Linder's garden center and purchased 2 strawberry pots like Gail used to put out front so will do that again.  In addition to that I purchased something that will hold a bag up right when you are putting leaves etc in it.  Also some spray to try to get rid of creeping charlie.
This will be short as I want to get some things done before I leave for men's group tonight.  Also got a call from the car place and the bill there will be about $500 but my view on that is better than monthly payments so can live with that. 
Weather is cool (maybe normal) but really nice.  Trees are getting green and grass needs to be cut so work is on the way and I am thankful to keep busy.
I continue to do well this week.  Here it is Wed and I am feeling pretty good.  I need Gail here but life becomes a tiny tiny bit more normal each day as I continue in the infant stages of single life. The happy memories sometimes keep me going ahead.  Twice now this week I have driven on Grand Ave between Fairview and Snelling and that is where Gail did much of her census work. That location has become a big time trigger place so I may avoid it for a while.
To work.

?????????????????

Here I am again.  If you do not get much in the days ahead it is that dare Quest.  Or it could be me!!
My day was normal.  Walked at 6:30, brought Mike a birthday coffee at his work, enjoyed Mary and Kids and Cynthia and kids over, went to Home Depot, took the car in for some repair and watched a bit of the Twins with Jerry W.  Also go on 6 more screens which is nice.  I do not know if I will put in the air and may try to get by without 3 this year.
I had a first.  I had been up this morning for almost 45 minutes before I thought of Gail.  That was sad but yet good too.  As I approached the river on my walk I started to think about her. 
I may have to get a lump on my ankle checked.  As I have walked more this week it is sore and actually quit raised so may have an x-ray or something if it does not get better.
Again I was going to get to bed early and here it is past midnight so best get some sleep.
Again, the day was an A+ weather wise.

Happy 30th Mike

Mike you may be able to drown your sorrows but you can't turn back the clock!
I am having problems with my internet so don't know if this will work.  I am going to do a short one and then maybe a longer one later. 

Monday with a big M

Here is Ruby Gail.  I have decided that she really looks a lot like grandpa Lee.  I hope no one tells me I am wrong because I need to dream again, well in this case I may be hallucinating!!!!!!!!!!
I did get in an hour and 20 min walk this morning.  That was good.  Met Kathy Childs (married name?) and greeted her, that was fun.  I see her walk or run past here sometimes and each time I am envious of the younger generation as they tend to keep more fit than my gereration.  That is good.  Here is Kathy, a former volley ball star at the U of MN.  She now has a family and is a homemaker and still looks so trim and fit.  That same thing is true for all of my kids.  That is great.  Also shouted "hi" to Kathy N as she sped by on her bike.  I think she bikes to work. 
Stopped at Gerten's Garden Center today.  They have so many nice and pretty stuff.  I walked out without spending a dime but I felt like I had been pick pocketed as I looked at the prices!!  I did find out that if I plant a Honeycrisp apple tree I need to plant another tree that flowers at the same time.
On my way home I decided to stop at the Honda dealer and dream.  I not only dreamed but I would admit I even drooled a bit but drove away with my 181,000 mile Highlander and NO monthly payment!!!!
I am going to put on 4 screens today and if I do that I can get them all on in 8 days!  I thought about putting 6 new windows on the second floor so I would not have to climb the ladder with storms/screens each spring and fall.  I actually put that on my "to do" list (I no longer have a "honey do" list:( ) but after I checked the cost I switched windows over to my "dream" list and scratched them off the other list.  They now are clumped together with a new Harley, a airsteam trailer and an Accord!!!!  Actually one of those could happen but not the harley or airstream.
In my prayer time this morning God told me to lighten up.  I said God did you not hear my lovely daughter say yesterday that I am full of pee and vinegar?  He just said lighten up, let the sun shine when it wants, let the rain come when it wants and focus on what you can do.  I meekly said OK.
Got to go

Another Sunday

Here is Jude at 8 months.  I often miss him in pictures as he is sometimes sleeping when I take them.
I had a really "UP" , perhaps the most  of any day for a long time.  It helped a lot that I was out on a walk early and got in about 4 miles.  The air was crisp, the river was calm and as the sun peeked over the skyline it was a totally wonderful sight.  That made the rest of the day.
My energy level was not the greatest but I kind of relaxed and enjoyed the day.  I hope and I pray that tomorrow is the same.  I NEED a few of those days to bolster my spirit and get me going.  It was refreshing to think positive thoughts, to enjoy the weather and to feel "good" again.  I am not implying that I never feel good but there is feel good and then feel good and today it was feel good.  I know it sounds crazy but it is what it is!!!!!
I had intended to get to bed early but here it is almost 11:30 and I am blogging.  I do not know where the time flies as I wanted to go on a bike ride, read some in the book, relax and the list goes on but yet it is past my bed time and many of those things I did not do.  Perhaps tomorrow. 
The up coming week is not crowded with events or meetings so I am looking forward to getting some woodworking done, some yard work done and house work done.  Sounds exciting.  Sometimes I wonder what is would be like to be bored.  Really I never want to know.  When I say that I think of my mother who did not get around much in her last years and I know at times she felt bored or not worth anything.  I feel pain when I think of that as she was such an important person in so many lives---it is just sad to think about that.  I pray that God grants me the insight, the energy and the chance to be important to him until I meet him.

A repeat??

I may have used this picture in the past.  For many months I had it as a screen saver on my computer.  It was taken a year ago, April 20.  She was in the middle of doing some work for the census.  She took it so serious and of course did a great job.
Today I got tired and didn't really do much.  I did power thatch some of my front yard and the power was ME so maybe that is why I got tired.  Also transplanted some tomato plants into bigger pots that I started.  I just read it and I started the plants, not the pots!!  Also made a cover for the sand box so I did get a bit done but not enough. 
That is it!!!  Oh, I missed Gail so much but you did know that. 
I made the comment to Cynthia that this learning to live without Gail is hard.  She asked me if I thought it would get harder and I said no, I expect that it will be a piece of cake in 10 years.  Of course I was joking and the fact that I can joke maybe is a good sign.

uneventfull

It is now late afternoon and I just came home.  Have spent several hours sitting by the river reading, people watching and thinking.  On the way home I stopped at Gail's grave site and spent enough time there to read a chapter in a book that A/A left for me.  I sat on a bench monument a short distance from Gail.
Have been thinking that I am in a situation much like a marathon runner.  The runner is in a long race, he feels pain, he feels tired, he is exhausted, there is the temptation to stop-to give up.  He hears the roar of the crowd, the cheers of friends, and the encouragement of fans along the way but as he feels all of the turmoil inside and the fatigue he knows.     He appreciates all of the things around him but deep inside it is he and his will.  He alone must persevere, he along must push forward.  I have thought much about learning to live without Gail, it is certainly a work in progress. The loneliness is there and perhaps always will be but the learning to live a new life is the hill that one must climb.

A yesterday picture

Here is a picture from yesterday of one of our birthday boys tonight.  Liam is sure funny!!
A full day but not too busy.
Had breakfast with the meditation guys this morning and that was nice.  When we go for breakfast it is not a meditation but rather a BS session which I think is needed once in a while.
Did some shopping after that.  I bought some flowers and placed them on Gail's grave site.  I also picked up old twigs, leaves etc around the site and with the green grass it is looking nice.  Makes me kind of excited to have the monument come in by June or so.  I suppose the deer will like those flowers tonight.  Not sure how to solve that.
Spent most of the afternoon getting ready for the party.  By 5:30 there were 18 people all chatting or playing at the same time which made for a fun time.  Those kid do grow fast and they seem to have plenty of energy!
Amy, Ruby Gail and Leo will head back tomorrow morning.  Amy has 1 full week left and then it will be back to work full time.  It sure is nice that she can take the 12 weeks off.
It will take me a LONG time to adjust to family gatherings without Gail.  She just made them so special and that whole element is missing now.  I said the day she died that her selflessness would be irreplaceable and that has proven to be so true.
I guess at this time I am missing most her smile, her kiss, her tug, her warmth, her total presence.  I just marvel at how one can and does grow accustomed to another person in that way and when they are gone that whole element of life seems to fade into the horizon.  I find myself missing so much the warmth of her being and I know that it just can not be replaced.  I often am tempted to say to myself "just suck it up and move on with life" but you know what I can't.  I mean that in the sense that there is no "suck it up cure" for this.  I do think that can happen when one doesn't get that new job, doesn't get that deserved pat on the back or doesn't get that promotion but with this the answer is time.  Now it almost sounds like I am leaving the Lord out of my situation and that is not true.  I pray, others pray for me and other things as well and I do not think I would survive without the Lord but it still needs time.  If I can stay away from the pity parties it helps a lot.
I failed in my financial goal for the month.  I put 90% of my expenses on a credit card and then I have it paid off automatically before the due date.  I missed it my $200 which is the same as last month.  It is not super important but maybe this month I can be successful.
NOTHING scheduled for tomorrow. I just may pack my phone, pen and paper and get lost for much of the day.  That actually sounds kind of fun.
I think it is time for bed.

A day of fun and adventure

It was a fun day.  I picked up Leo at 8:30 and we came home.  Spent our morning watching cartoons, reading books, playing with toys and playing in the sand box.  Then it was off to get Liam and Henry and to Chucky cheese for lunch.  Spent an hour and a half eating pizzia, drinking pop, spending 40 coins and having a lot of fun.  I would say that kind of place is not a favorite for grandpa but the boys had fun. Then came home and spent a little down time watching cartoons before Amy came about 4:30.  I found out that to keep track of 3 young men, make sure they get their drinks and eats, take pictures, get in bathroom breaks etc is more than a full time job for this grandpa but it certainly was an honor to spend that time with them and a fun time.  Henry plays the part of the oldest cousin, Liam plays the part of the goofy guy and Leo also plays the goofy part!!!
Had our early mens' group which consisted of pheasant in a wild rice dish, deer sausage and a deer roast.  The food was good and the conversation was fun.
That is my day.  I will not comment much on the "14" tonight.  I did have my moments throughout the day but generally things went well.  The adjustment one has to go through in transiting from married to single life is at times difficult to say it mildly.  I have never lost an arm or leg or something like that but I would say perhaps learning to live after the love of your life is gone may be kind of like learning to live without a limb except in the lose of life maybe the emotional part is much much greater in a different way.  As I say that I also say how would I know so my words may mean less than they are meant to mean.
Tomorrow morning is a 7:00 AM breakfast and then about 18 people here for dinner to celebrate 2 birthdays and then the day will end tomorrow with a 7:30 meeting.  I may plan to sleep in on Friday!!!!
Life is indeed full.

April 14

I will not write much today nor will I copy what I wrote 7 months ago today.  I am now 7 month (229) days in my LAG.  I have cried much, laughed some, traveled some, helped celebrate many family birthdays, welcomed a new grand daughter into the family, celebrated many holidays, and taken in so much support from family friends and neighbors.  I have begun the process of building a new life and a new bank of memories without Gail.  What I have NOT been able to do is live on the edge, smile a lot, reach out to others or dream.  I need to dream, I want to dream, I want to make dreams come true but for the last 7 months my dreams have been replaced by memories and emotions. 
My hope and prayer is that God will, soon, fill my mind and heart with dreams.  They don't even have to be attainable, they just have to be there so hope is alive.  With hope one can smile more, love more and move forward.  I wish with every bone in my body that Gail could come back but NO, that will never be so I need and want to move forward with faith, love, dreams, hope and excitement.  With time on my side now I know that soon, some day, when I wake the sun will shine, the broken heart will be healed, only the happy memories will remain and I will move into a new day, a new beginning and LAG will become something I look forward to each day.
I need to dress, eat and pick up Leo as it is going to be a fun day.  I am wondering if the pizzia at Chucky Cheese place will help me dream or give me heart burn!!  I must remember to bring my camera.

Seven months ago

The next 2 entries are from September 13, 2009.  The first was written in the early evening.  This was Sunday and Gail was to meet Jesus Monday at 12:40 PM
Gail seems to be without pain and is comfortable. She last ate Friday afternoon and the last drink of any amount was yesterday afternoon. Hospice nurse was here at noon today and put a catheter in as she is too weak to get out of bed. She mostly is restful but at time does ask to sit up. She talks a bit but at times makes little sense. I actually got TWO smiles from her this afternoon and of course it was my highlight of the weekend. Her eyes remain young looking and her face is still radiant.

At this time the sign on the door says visitors limited to 5 min and most of them stay a shorter time. Of course if the Lord choose to come in the door is wide open and the time is unlimited. I take that back, the Lord IS here. I am most thankful for her being home with us, thank you Lord. The care and love of all the kids is overwhelming and their affection for their mother is something that should be packaged and preserved forever. I wish I could have captured 4 year old Liam sitting on the floor this morning looking up at HIS grandma. His posture and expression said Grandma you are mine and you are the best, I love you with all my heart. Grandpa could not have shown it or said it better.

It was a difficult night. Aaron, Cynthia and John carried the load as I tried to get some needed sleep. Accidents in bed, restlessness, falling---all were cared for so lovingly by the kids. God so knows what he is doing when he creates family, friends and loved ones to share life, to live life and to share in joys and burdens together. Who in the whole world could ever imagine or create such a wondrous web of things, only our God.

We continue to pray for a miracle but the reality is that our Lord is standing at the door. Lord come in glory in your timing and hear our prayers of love and hope. We believe in your healing power and pray for a miracle of healing but we accept what you have for us---not our will but your will be done.

Posted by Carmen at 5:55 AM

 I really do not have much to say tonight.  My heart has been heavy as we had a camp meeting and my love for our program directors is so deep.  Gail and I worked with Jeanne, Mike, Ginny for so many years that they are like close family.  Molly has not worked as a program director so long only because she is young but she came to camp every year and she is so close too.  I really do stay composed most of the time now but during our meeting I lost it more than once.  As they left the house at about 9:15 and I stood at the closed door the emptiness seemed to wrap around me, pick me up and swallow me.  I only could stand there with tears streaming down my cheeks and say "Lord I don't understand your ways but I will not question them either.  I will do my very best to live, serve and love through your mind and your eyes."  
With that behind me I am hopeful that I can sleep well, wake up tomorrow and face a new day with hope courage and faith.  I do know that my mind will certainly be somewhat on Gail as I guess the number "14" will always be close to my heart.
I get to pick Leo up tomorrow about 9ish and then spent most of the day with him.  He is so cute and those little dimpled cheeks can only be loved.  I am hoping it will be warm enough to play in the sand box after lunch.
Time to take some Advil PM and hit the hay with the hope that I don't have to count too many sheep.

No picture necessary

I realized something about myself today that was hard to swallow but oh so true.  In my meeting at 1:00 I found myself close to tears as I tried to explain where I feel I am at right now.  In the end I just knew that I had done a really bad job of explaining what I wanted to explain.  On the way home I thought wow, that is really the story of my whole life for the last 7 months (minus 2 days).  I just seem to be a basket case in many many ways since Gail died.  I am not in any way implying my state of being as Gail's fault but rather in my grieving process I just am a basket case with a capital B.  I seem to be distracted, I seem to lose my thoughts, I often say what I did not want to say, so often I just break down, I am often misunderstood (my fault, not others) and in a very general way I just do not even resemble who I really am, what I need to be about or anything else I could think of.  I am absolutely positive that if I were to go in some place and ask them to analyze where I was at they may strongly suggest that I enroll in some funny farm and sooner than later and on top of that perhaps start taking pills that may make my mind freeze . I don't know, I do not like what I see.  I need to change something and fast.  How I did not see this before I do not know.  Maybe more prayer time, maybe more scripture, maybe more silent time, maybe more being and less doing or perhaps all of the above.  I will see but things HAVE to change.

A busy week ahead

Here is the house my mother grow up in.  It was lived in until a short time ago.  At this point I don't know if it is still on the farm.  Our farm was a mile from here where my aunt and uncle lived. 
I have done my work for the day!!!  I went and got 30 more gallons of sand for the sand box.  I think I will allow Leo to play with me in it on Wed when he and I hang out together all day.  How great is that!!  We will invite Henry and Liam to join us at Chucke Cheese's for lunch.  I can hardly wait.  That may be one of my favorite places----well I may be telling a little white lie but it should be fun.
I had tears yesterday as Mickelson won the Masters Golf.  His wife is still quite sick from breast cancer treatment.  I guess I will always have a soft spot in my heart for women who go through that.  If you take away Gail's death the hardest day in my life was when I sat and watched Gail have her first chemo treatment.  The liquid looked like red poison to me at the time.  I knew that it was meant to help her but I just sat there and thought to myself, Gail's body will never be the same and it turned out to be a correct viewpoint.  Did it help Gail, I really don't know.  Knowing what I know now would I do it again, I don't know but the what ifs and the buts and etc. are a long long road to nothing so I will continue to work at remembering the good times and being thankful for who Gail was, what she did and the fact that God so lovingly gave us so much time together---it was not long enough but perhaps I am a bit selfish.
I do have a meeting in a short time so must go.
I continue to struggle a bit with things.  Yard work, dishes, house cleaning, taking care of Wallace, house projects, washing clothes, 32 screens to put on and the list goes on.  I have yet to find a schedule or method of fitting every thing in but that may be a life long rock around my neck, I just hope I don't fall into the lake like that!

Life on Sunday

Here are Liam and Faustina last Tuesday.  As families came over for dinner of left over Easter ham & potatoes Liam got his Easter basket.  Do you think they are hanging out at the top of the stairs for fun or food?????
Today is the 29th Sunday since we lost our Gail.  I was thinking of the past as I sipped my strong coffee with a T of heavy cream in it.  For several years, perhaps 5 or so, Gail and my Sundays consisted of getting up at 3:00 and getting the paper delivered, then we would go to 7:30 church and after church I would drop Gail off at home.  In the winter I would wait for her to flick the front light to be sure she was in the house and then I would be off to the store.  When I came home I would give her a magazine to read after shooing her out of the kitchen.  I would then make a fancy fruit kind of thing and serve her in the living room.  I would then make breakfast and we would sit in the living room, eating, talking, reading and eventually falling asleep for a short time.  Of course Gail would always brag to me about how good the food was and often she would insist I take a picture of her plate before she started eating because she said is looked so pretty.  Also, she would always add that she did not deserve to be served so nicely.
This morning I stopped after church to get some food, arrived home by 7:45 to a waiting Wallace who needed to be let out and eat.  I then poured some coffee, it was made during church, opened the paper and read, thought and remembered in silence.  During that time Wallace barked a bit because he wanted to come in but except for that no sound, no noise no activity other than the sipping of coffee and the turning pages of the paper.
Life changes, life evolves and I guess we all need to be ready for some kind of change at any time in our lives.  I need to daily remind myself that God is good, his blessings are so abundant and not deserved and in the end other than our love of God, family and friends are the most important thing in the world.  I need to always remind myself that in the decisions I make relationships always trump over material things!
I did get some more work done in the yard yesterday.  More dirt was moved, some tree roots were dug out and some old sidewalk was removed.  Still much work to be done but every little bit hurts, I mean helps!!!
I am still debating how over weight I am, how weak I am or how old I am.  Maybe my lack of stamina is due to emotional weariness of missing Gail ,I hope so, but what ever it is I can dig, carry and move only so long and I am TIRED.  I think I will blame it on emotional stress and pretend I am young, fit and full of energy!!
In the end here Sundays are often full of memories, sometimes too long and always somewhat empty even when I am with family or friends.  In the sunniest Sundays the clouds seem to be there, the air seems a bit stuffy and the wind seems to blow in whirlwinds of emotions and musings that are often sad.  Somehow and for some reason I seem to miss that hand more, that hug more, that look more and that smile with the twinkle at the corner of the mouth so so much.  I am off on a bike ride, that may help--maybe.

Gail would have loved it

Here is the lone tulip in our front yard.  I am not sure how long it will last as the rabbits seem to like them almost as much as people.
My stomach knot is gone today and I am in a better place.  I plan to work in the yard this afternoon on that landscaping project again.  I really should go on a bike ride as it is perfect weather but will probably reserve that for Mon-Fri as the weekends have many more people out and about.
I copied some 10 pictures of my mother and e-mailed them to the kids today as Aaron/Amy wanted them for Ruby Gail's book.  Doing that kind of thing for me at this time is emotional not so much towards my mother but towards my Gail.  I am a little distance from those emotions of the last 2 days but perhaps I need to drink more water today for all of the liquid I lost yesterday and Thursday.  I find myself getting more and more down on myself when I have those "down" times.  I am not sure that is good or bad but it just is.  I need to and want to remember the good times with Gail and be able to smile when I do that.  However, most of the time right now it is difficult to smile when I have memories.  Lord, I need to have you help me change.
I have had several times in the last short while where I have joked too much or said too much.  Have to change that and fast.  Like I said so many months ago I do not have Gail to cover for some of my shortcomings or temper what I do or say so I need to change.  I try but am not always successful.  I often wonder what it would be like to be perfect.  Actually I would very happily settle for being kind of near perfect or really when I think of it maybe if I just knew what perfect was that would help.
No as the day wears on I need to get some work done.  If I am not careful the weekend will be history and I will still be planning it.

You be the judge

Some people say Jude looks like grandpa, you be the judge.  The picture of Jude is when he was about 8 months old and the one of grandpa is when he was about 2.
Another DOWN day was on hand.  I can not remember having 2 such downers on a row but it happened yesterday and today.  I did get a few things done but not much.  A friend fixed my 40 year old tiller so I picked that up.  It works great and I am so happy.  I dug up some of the yard on the east side of the drive way as I need to landscape that so the water drains towards the street.  I hauled about 5 wheel borrows of dirt out and there is much more to do but every little bit helps.  Perhaps I can get some more done tomorrow.
I did drive to the river again and just sit for about an hour.  It is really peaceful there and kind of fun to watch people as they run, walk, bike etc. alone the river.  BUT it really did not give me much comfort or peace of mind.  I am just going around with this knot in my stomach and it just kind of sits there and bothers me.  I know it is not any things physical that is wrong, just a lonesome knot that bugs me.  Have also been so so close to those darn tears often and I say to myself this had better just be one of those darn stages because it is April 10 today which means we are oh so close to 7 months since Gail left us.  It may be that everything in the yard reminds me of her.  The green grass, the flowers, our first red tulip is up in front, just everything is coming to life with the rain we had over the last few days and Gail just loved this time of the year.  I quit working in the yard this evening at 6:00 but if Gail would have been here we would have come in the house when it got too dark to see.
I have not slept that great the last few nights and those slices on my face have bothered me a bit so I suppose all of those things could contribute to that knot as well.  I really am not complaining, I just want it to go away.  I don't dare take my blood pressure.  I have been good about those BP pills but I am sure if I did the readings I would not be happy.
Not a lot planned for the weekend.  I do have a meeting tomorrow morning at 7:00 but the rest of the day is pretty free.  I have some wood projects to work on as well as several other things but the energy, the motivation and the get up and go have almost got up and went!!
I think this is enough for tonight.

How about that!!

Here is Faustina doing just what mommy does.  With baby in hand she lifted up her shirt and then fed the baby just like mommy feeds Jude.  That was so so funny.  Kids do the darnest things could not be more true!
I have a pretty free day except for a meeting tonight.  Had intended to drive over to Will D this morning but he must not be home so will leave that for another day. 
As I woke up this morning I actually turned on the heat a bit.  Temp was down to 33!  Now when I looked at the weather calendar that is right on for normal so should not be surprised.  I kind of wimmped out because I was going to take a walk this morning but decided to wait till it warms up a bit.  Certainly can walk when it is 33 but why not wait till it is nice?
Sister Helen informed me there is no new car on the horzion and if/when she grows up she may get a bigger one.  My take on that is if you have a BIG birthday coming up and you still are not grown up--when?  :) :)   Just so you know I just learned how to do those little do hickys so I now often try them, don't really know what they mean.
I am feeling a lot of pressure from family.  I started a BB bracket thing and the loser needs to make breakfast for all on our family camp out in July.  Well I scored 66 which is almost as bad as you can get.  By the second round there were still 16 winners and I only had FOUR.  Well I think it is i for that breakfast (really it should be Cynthia as she may have cheated but she is in denial of course) and I just can not think of anything that is easy and cheap---don't really care if is is good or not!!!!  Want to think of some thing I can put in my fancy dutch oven, put coals under and on top and then have fun with the grand kids as it cooks.  It would also be nice if I could find something where there would be NO dirty dishes.  Maybe smores with a roasted blueberry on the end cause smore sticks don't have to be washed much and each person can prepare their own.  That dutch oven is hard to clean and it's heavy, I may not be able to lift it in 20 years.
I still find myself looking back many days at what were Gail and I doing a year ago.  Often I think what will my thought process be after September 14th of this year???  Again yesterday I took a step back in my thoughts and said to myself, is this really me, am I really alone, is Gail really gone?  Then I thought of ALL the things that should/could be done and I said can/will I get to all those things.  I think my thoughts were those as I hung out the bed linen.  I do need to make that bed this morning as a guy will be coming today, I think, and staying a few days.  Nothing like having linens on the bed!!!!  I should really have a 2 hours course or something on that darn washing machine.  It has more buttons than a 747.  At this time all I do is pour some liquid soap in a little tray, put the clothes in and push a couple of buttons.  I don't know why I push the buttons I do but when I take the clothes off the line they smell nice and seem to be clean and in the same color as when they went into the wash.  Really, I may be really good at this wash thing and don't give myself enough credit.  As I write that it confirms in my mind that reading directions is only necessary if you goof up.  Now I know Gail had a different approach but I am different.
I should really go.  I need to put my pants on (bib overalls) and get to work, cold or no cold.

Could anyone be more happy??

Here are Audrey and Faustina.  They are fast becoming quite the dual mischief makers!!  They appear to whisper in each others ear when they hug what they should do next.  I am becoming increasing aware that grandpa can try hard but I will be NO match for those two.  Here Faustina is trying to sit in the coffee table after grandpa laid her in it and then realized it was a bad move!!  Now it seems like Audrey thinks the whole thing is a big joke.
I realized today that I have a problem.  I know for people who happen to read this they said da, what is new Carmen.  Well my problem is different than many!   For anyone who is married they know that there are things that you talk to your spouse about or talk in a certain way that is much different than you do to anyone else.  So now you know my problem.  I have many many people to talk to BUT they are not Gail and they don't take her place (I know they would not want to also).  I can talk to my children, I can talk to friends, I can talk to neighbors and that is good but I can't talk in the same way or about some of the same things that Gail and I engaged in.  Now you know, maybe!!  Anyway I found over the last few weeks that there is a void in my life that perhaps can not and never will be filled.  So I think I need to learn how to think in a different way or something.  As I read what I just wrote I am not sure it makes total sense but since when did I make total sense?
I have been going different places and doing different things today.  When I am finished here I will go out into the shop for a period of time.  Will D, here your register comes, soon.
Enjoyed the kids over last night.  We finished the cream potatoes, finished much of the ham, finished the wine and made a dent in the MM's so that was good.  I warmed the ham and potatoes in the dutch oven for 2 hours and it worked great!
My face is amazing how fast it is healing.  I have the band aid off today but will put it back on when I go into the shop.  I would say I already look much better, I know it is hard to believe.  I was wondering if the top of my ear would have a little canel that I could put a pencil in but it seems like it may heal to look normal.
Word in the Lee family is that baby sister Helen, who has a birthday in late summer, will get a new REAL C car.  I have not talked to her, only her older sister, so I am not sure but I will have to confirm with Helen soon.  All I know is if that is true it had better be fire engine red.
Tomorrow for the picture I am going to show living proof how impressionable young kids are with a picture of Faustina copying her mother, it is absolutely a stitch.

A year of change

Ever have that pent up feeling?  Try thinking and acting out of the box (cage). 
I went back and read my blog from 09.  We had gotten snow last night, Gail and I had signed up to work at the fair grounds, Gail had been called to work with the census and we were about to embark on growing wheat grass.  What a change 12 months can mean.
Went to the Dr this morning.  I asked her to fix my broken heart and she said she couldn't but time will!  No actually had had her slice and dice some of my face!!  Had a mole removed to be sure it is not rotten and also a bit of my left ear to be sure that is OK.  The freezing hurt and I thought she left the room to get tools and she was done!!  Came home to this empty house, nobody to feel sorry for me, nobody to change the band aide twice a day and no one to kiss it to make it better!!  Oh for the good old days that will never return!  I will get the results in a couple of weeks but not to worry, the face will be fine and it will soon return to it's normal configuration of "what happened to that guy"!!!!  I think I may take it a bit easy the rest of the day.  When there is nobody to baby me perhaps I need to baby myself by curling up with a book and taking a bit of a nap.  Really as the face thaws out there is some pain and itch.  Maybe I should treat myself to a special treat of some kind. 
Enjoyed John, Liam and Audrey over this morning.  Henry was in school.  They picked up some clamps to put Liam's bookcase together so they may do that soon.
I am wondering if people do crazy things sometimes?  I am finding that without Gail at this time my mind just does not work perfect. (as if it ever did!)
Will have some of the kids over tonight to try and finish off some of the left over ham and potatoes.  I hope there are enough potatoes as I know there is enough ham.  For dessert we will try to get some of those peanut MM finished.  I like left overs in a big way, in fact in such a big way that they stick around forever, that is around the waist.
I had a dream last night that Gail was alive and then I woke up to reality.  What a bummer.  I am finding that this week after Easter Sunday is a lonely one without my Gail.  I find that as time marches on I don't think of her so much when I do the dishes or pick up the house or wash the clothes but rather I think of her more when I need her hand, or her hug or her kiss or her smile or her words of encouragement and things like that.  As I think back I tend to think we agreed on everything which of course is about as truthful as saying I have a million dollars in the bank.
I have said enough.  I need to relax, rest, baby myself and feel sorry for my face and ear!  I thought about taking my picture and posting it but thought I may save that for October.  Oh no, here comes a little pain, I need a treat.

Which way should I look?

There I am with my grandma/grandpa Lee.  I loved to spend time with them.  Grandma always had cookies and was so nice and grandpa had this laugh that seemed to come from his toes and rumbled up through his body and when it came out his mouth it seemed to roar.  I loved it when he laughed and I also remember his hands seemed like big shovels.
I have a dr appt this morning at 8:00.  As one approaches mid life!!!----strange things happen.  I have this small growth on my ear that hurts.  My dr looked at it 4 months ago and said I should see a specialist but he was not concerned so should be OK.  I am a bit concerned that when they examine me they may not find anything any place!!!
Cyn/Mike came over last night and we watched the whole BB game.  It would have been nice if the underdog could have won but no luck.  I think that is the first whole game I have watched of any sport in a long long time. It was a great game and fun to watch.
I got Liam's birthday bookcase to him last night and also finished fixing Faustina's toy so I did get something done yesterday but it is strange.  Since yesterday morning I have had this goofy knot in my stomach.  It is still there this morning.  When I see the dr I hope my blood pressure is not out of control.  Maybe I should take triple my dose of BP meds before I go and then my blood would be so thin it would be normal.  Just kidding but---
Not much planned today but will spent most of the time in the shop when I get home.  The weather turned back to normal April weather so it is not real warm out.

What?

No picture but just a thought.  For some reason I am walking around doing a few mundane things with this knot in my stomach.  Perhaps it is the absence of Gail after Easter, maybe it is just loneliness or maybe or maybe or maybe, who knows.  I am in the shop fixing a toy, working on the end product for Liam and on Will D small item.  Maybe post Easter knots are common for people like me.  Of course it could be too much ham and cream potatoes!!!
The weather is nice today with clouds and 60's.  However the weather internally is a bit stormy.

Happy Easter

It is now 9:40 PM.  I have had a nap today, made ham and cream potatoes, went to a meeting, enjoyed half of the family and some friends over for much of the day, ate too much, toasted Gail at the grave site with Baileys and I think I am missing some things too.  Don't know where to start this evening.
First, Travis picked me up at 6:50 and we went to 7:00 AM church.  I then worked on the ham and potatoes until about 9:15 when I left to meet family and friends at Gail's grave site.  We spent about 15 minutes there, thanked Gail for her love and service to all of us and also promised we would remember the things she modeled for us.  I doubt that we can do things as well as her but we will try.  Came home to get the glaze ready for the ham, get the cream potatoes on the grill and Travis made his delicious finger food things.  We ate about 2 but actually by that time I was almost full from the pre-meal goodies. 
I was so exhausted I took a nap and when I came down stairs most people were gone!!  Not good, I can't do that again.  I went to the meeting tonight and now here I am, alone and writing on my blog.
The pictures are of Faustina with her basket and the ham as we cut it.  I think I was successful in making Grandma Lee's cream potatoes in my new cast iron dutch oven on the grill.  They turned out great.
I think part of my tiredness was the emotion of being without Gail.  These holidays of course are difficult.  Gail always was such a huge part of their success and now to try to do something similar to what Gail would do is just not possible.  More than anything I miss the evening after everything was done when Gail and I would sit and talk about the day.  Now I can blog, watch TV or something but not talk!!!  Life changes so much so fast and it is difficult to keep up with things.
I can't forget, It is Deb Saunders birthday today, happy birthday Deb.  It is also 20 years ago today that Grandpa Saunders passed away.  He passed away at Regions Hospital.  A couple hours after his death, Grandma, Allen and I put Grandpa's body in our van and drove him up to ND, a 4 hour drive.  How adventurous is that???   That was grandpa's wish so we did it.
I will relax for a bit and go to bed.

Holy Saturday

Looks like these guys are waiting to greet the risen Lord and maybe the easter bunny too!!!  From left to right: Aaron, John and Travis!!
It is now almost 8:45.  I have been to the bakery, the drug store, the grocery store and the cemetery.  I am ready to do some dishes and clean a bit.  I do not think I will go out and about any more today.  Actually I probably should not as my energy level is low but God's grace is with me this week and I will not celebrate by eat much until tomorrow.  The eating part has been very good.  I have thought much about our Lord's suffering, about Gail's suffering and spent time thinking about my walk with the Lord.  I need and I should take it deeper so that I can hear him more, feel him more and love him more.  I am excited for tomorrow and to experience the risen Christ in a new way.  I think I will feel it more than any other year.  Maybe that is because Gail is not with me and I miss her so much but I don't know. 
As I drove home from cemetery this morning the sight was almost breathtaking.  I drove over the highway 55 bridge and to my right I could see downtown St. Paul, to my left I could see downtown Minneapolis, almost straight ahead was Fort Snelling, I said Lord you are so glorious, you are so mighty, you are so loving thank you for everything and especially thank you for all of the wonderful years with Gail.
I did get an Easter egg coloring kit so I will color a dozen eggs this morning.  Nothing fancy just bright colored eggs to symbolize the bright light that Jesus is in my and our lives.
I must get to work but will sit down for a bit and read the paper.  I am not supposed to get the Saturday but it was at my door so will read it before I get busy.

Thoughts

As I was sitting in the tub relaxing it came to mind that in the last 41 years there have been colored Easter eggs in our home.  I may have to go get a kit tomorrow just to do it.  Nothing fancy, just to keep tradition going.  Gail did that with the grand kids the last few years and loved it.
Also this not eating very much has given me new insights into what Gail went through the last 7 months of her life.  Interesting

Jesus died for our sins

I could use some of that wonderful ice cream right now.  I am not going to eat both those, one was for Gail!  This was taken in PEI.
I lucked out today.  I went to the compose pile to get some dirt.  I sifted about 50 gal of the VERY nice soil and just as I got into the truck the rain came.  I will use the soil for the flower beds.  That actually was work.
I dropped off a hot chocolate for our birthday boy, Liam.  He claims he is 5 so will go with that.  By biking the hot chocolate I got my bike ride in for the day.
After the compose pile I went to REI to get a dutch oven.  I got a camping one and am not sure I can use it in the oven.  I think I will as I don't want to have 2, one for in the house and one for camping.
I bought   10 red roses and placed them for Gail at Resurrection.  I took out all the stakes that held the cover which protected the new grass.  I think I may go out tomorrow and do a little work with the sod etc.  There were many people out there, I would say maybe a couple of dozen. 
I think I have all that I need for Sunday.  Well I don't have Gail and I need her most of all but will have to get by without her for now.  I of course am talking about her physical presence. 
The smell of the rain is so fresh but I forgot to take my white clothes in so now they are wet!  We could use much rain and got a tiny bit. 
Received the invitation to Abby and Ryan's reception today.  It came on a 2 sided card which is nice.  The reception is June 5, I do not remember when or where the wedding is.  I know it is one of these destination things but can't remember the place.
I am still holding on to my semifast.  I am not doing great today but have not eaten anything out of the plan is I am thankful for that.  I do think about our Lord more and am much more mindful of the suffering Jesus did for us.  It does not give me any idea of the cross but I doubt anything could.
These last few days have been somewhat slow and I am thankful for that.  It helps me be more mindful of our Lord when my schedule is not so full.

A new beginning

Just a quickie.  Today as I ran some errands, drove to Sam's Club, stopped at Betina's and just did many things I noticed something different.  I felt kind of normal, kind of myself, kind of like I was going about doing what a normal person should/would do.  I did these things with a song on my lips sometimes but I know my heart was heavy.  I think God will help me with that as more time passes, thank you God.  I had not planned to go to Gail's grave site but I stopped there on my way to Eagan and it was good.  It was peaceful, it was quiet, there was a grace that seemed to surround Gail's grave.  I picked up the covering they put on the ground when they plant grass and underneath was fresh green grass.  I said, maybe, just maybe I will experience a fresh beginning as time passes.  Well I would say I expect that because God is so loving, so good and so faithful.

A whole new world

No picture for this sharing.  I visited mother's grave site this afternoon.  It is so different now that there is no snow and the temp is fairly warm.  I met a mother there who lost her 18 year old daughter 2 1/2 yr ago.  I said hello and we talked for a short time.  She said that relatives who have loved ones in that section kind of get to know each other and support one another.  She said her daughter had been in college for 2 weeks at Luther College in Iowa.  She was driving home for something and another car hit her and she died.  I thought of Gail and how terribly devastated she would have been if that had happened to any of her children but perhaps the worst would have been to have lost her only daughter.  Now I don't know if this mother had other daughters but anyway it struck me.  As I just shared a little bit the first thing she shared was how blessed I was to have been with Gail the last months, weeks, days and hours of her life.  I just thought Lord this is a whole different world that I am in now, wow.
I was low on energy today.  I did go help Will D for 2+ hours cut down trees, drove to Twin City Refuse with a load of junk and went to Betina's to see what handy man things she needs done.  In between those things I took a 30 min nap.  Oh, I also got a small load of white clothes on the line. 
After this I think I will listen to some music and try to go to bed early.  I still have not eaten any extra food this week and for that I am so thankful.  I would say that Sam's Club is not the place to go when you haven't eaten much!!!!  I stopped there on my way to Betina's and my goodness the experience was painful but I was amazed that I held up and did not eat or buy anything extra!!  Thank you Lord.
Tomorrow is already Good Friday, Easter Sunday is close, thank you Lord.

Chance??

I went to bed early, about 10:30 then woke up around mid-night and could not get back to sleep. Thought I would blog as I have had some things on my mind for the last couple of weeks.
I have thought much about what I am going to say.  I thought perhaps it would be best unsaid at this time but I have been transparent in many cases so why not now!
I have been taking Wallace for walks along the river for the last month or so.   About three weeks ago I saw this dog that looked like a labradoodle.  About the third day I saw it I just had to stop and ask the lady if it was.  She said it was and it (Bennie) was the most wonderful dog.  That was it and I went on my way.  I would say that I have seen her most days as I walk Wallace and now we always stop to chat.   Anyway, not to be too long here but she is really nice.  It turns out she lives on Pinehurst in the Highland area and she lost her husband about 2 years ago.  She is retired from 3M and lives alone.  I went on a bike ride Tuesday night and she was working in her yard so I stopped and talked for a bit.  Her house looks really nice.  She enjoys knitting, she volunteers at several places, she travels a lot and also helps with her grandchildren some. Does not sound like she is into her church much.
I don't know, she seems almost too nice to be real and I am asking myself what should I do now??  She did ask me if I was interested in coming over for coffee some afternoon.  I said I would have to check what I had going on but that I would get back to her.  I have not called her yet because I am not sure what I should do.  It would be fun to get to know her better and of course  it is always nice to be with people.  I actually did not know that about myself but have found that I don't like to be alone.  I thought about asking the kids what they thought and then I said to myself here I go acting in the same way as when Gail was here.  I ALWAYS asked her before I did anything but I really don't think the kids are in that place in my life so...




April Fools!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Did you believe??????
I hope my little story does not offend anyone.  I feel that being almost 8 months beyond LWG (life with Gail) I need to insert some humor in my life.  I have met the same number of women the last several months as the number of million dollar checks I have waiting to be cashed!!!!!   Have a great April Fools Day and make sure you're not the Fool but rather the Fooler.