Monday, April 12, 2010

No picture necessary

I realized something about myself today that was hard to swallow but oh so true.  In my meeting at 1:00 I found myself close to tears as I tried to explain where I feel I am at right now.  In the end I just knew that I had done a really bad job of explaining what I wanted to explain.  On the way home I thought wow, that is really the story of my whole life for the last 7 months (minus 2 days).  I just seem to be a basket case in many many ways since Gail died.  I am not in any way implying my state of being as Gail's fault but rather in my grieving process I just am a basket case with a capital B.  I seem to be distracted, I seem to lose my thoughts, I often say what I did not want to say, so often I just break down, I am often misunderstood (my fault, not others) and in a very general way I just do not even resemble who I really am, what I need to be about or anything else I could think of.  I am absolutely positive that if I were to go in some place and ask them to analyze where I was at they may strongly suggest that I enroll in some funny farm and sooner than later and on top of that perhaps start taking pills that may make my mind freeze . I don't know, I do not like what I see.  I need to change something and fast.  How I did not see this before I do not know.  Maybe more prayer time, maybe more scripture, maybe more silent time, maybe more being and less doing or perhaps all of the above.  I will see but things HAVE to change.

1 comment:

kbornhoft said...

Carmen,

I'm praying for you!

Kim