For Carmen--A new beginning--A new journey: Seven months ago

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Seven months ago

The next 2 entries are from September 13, 2009. The first was written in the early evening. This was Sunday and Gail was to meet Jesus Monday at 12:40 PM
Gail seems to be without pain and is comfortable. She last ate Friday afternoon and the last drink of any amount was yesterday afternoon. Hospice nurse was here at noon today and put a catheter in as she is too weak to get out of bed. She mostly is restful but at time does ask to sit up. She talks a bit but at times makes little sense. I actually got TWO smiles from her this afternoon and of course it was my highlight of the weekend. Her eyes remain young looking and her face is still radiant.

At this time the sign on the door says visitors limited to 5 min and most of them stay a shorter time. Of course if the Lord choose to come in the door is wide open and the time is unlimited. I take that back, the Lord IS here. I am most thankful for her being home with us, thank you Lord. The care and love of all the kids is overwhelming and their affection for their mother is something that should be packaged and preserved forever. I wish I could have captured 4 year old Liam sitting on the floor this morning looking up at HIS grandma. His posture and expression said Grandma you are mine and you are the best, I love you with all my heart. Grandpa could not have shown it or said it better.

It was a difficult night. Aaron, Cynthia and John carried the load as I tried to get some needed sleep. Accidents in bed, restlessness, falling---all were cared for so lovingly by the kids. God so knows what he is doing when he creates family, friends and loved ones to share life, to live life and to share in joys and burdens together. Who in the whole world could ever imagine or create such a wondrous web of things, only our God.

We continue to pray for a miracle but the reality is that our Lord is standing at the door. Lord come in glory in your timing and hear our prayers of love and hope. We believe in your healing power and pray for a miracle of healing but we accept what you have for us---not our will but your will be done.

I really do not have much to say tonight. My heart has been heavy as we had a camp meeting and my love for our program directors is so deep. Gail and I worked with Jeanne, Mike, Ginny for so many years that they are like close family. Molly has not worked as a program director so long only because she is young but she came to camp every year and she is so close too. I really do stay composed most of the time now but during our meeting I lost it more than once. As they left the house at about 9:15 and I stood at the closed door the emptiness seemed to wrap around me, pick me up and swallow me. I only could stand there with tears streaming down my cheeks and say "Lord I don't understand your ways but I will not question them either. I will do my very best to live, serve and love through your mind and your eyes."
With that behind me I am hopeful that I can sleep well, wake up tomorrow and face a new day with hope courage and faith. I do know that my mind will certainly be somewhat on Gail as I guess the number "14" will always be close to my heart.
I get to pick Leo up tomorrow about 9ish and then spent most of the day with him. He is so cute and those little dimpled cheeks can only be loved. I am hoping it will be warm enough to play in the sand box after lunch.
Time to take some Advil PM and hit the hay with the hope that I don't have to count too many sheep.

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The first reading at Gail's funeral September 18, 2009

I know of no one who fit this better than Gail

Proverbs 31: 10-31
A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm.
all the days of her life.
She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.
She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
She gets up while it is still dark;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her servant girls.
She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
She sets about her work vigorously:
her arms are strong for her tasks.
She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her;
Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all."
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Give her the reward she has earned,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Well done good and faithful servant, your praise is much and your reward is to be with God forever.

Our Story

Our story begin in 1951, when Carmen was 4 and Gail was 5! We met as our parents were at a camera club. Fast forward--Carmen begin to attend grade school in town in 1957, the same school that Gail went to. Fast forward--We had our first date in the winter of 1964 in Gail's senior year of high school. Again--we were married June 1st of 1968. We moved to St. Paul in October of 1977 and lived at 2094 Niles Ave until Gail's death September 14 of 2009.
Gail first breast cancer was found in October of 2003. After surgery, chemo, radiation and infusions for a year she felt well and we lived life in our normal mode. Carmen retired in June of 2007 and shortly after that we quit doing the paper route as well. In the fall of 2007 we went on our dream vacation. We camped for 7 weeks in Prince Edward Island and Nova Scotia and in the New England states. Sleeping in our truck and eating over an open fire we felt that we had experienced heaven. Then in January of 2008 we spent 3 weeks in Hawaii with friends and again had so much fun. In the fall of 2008 we did much work on the outside of the house and we were so excited to enter 2009 with big plans and dreams. In January Gail was diagnosed with new cancer. For the next 7 1/2 months we prayed, changed our life style, laughed and cried often. As the end of Gail's life drew near she was peaceful and family cared for her at home until she met Jesus. It was a journey that was wonderful, exciting, blessed, full of life and full of love but of course it was too short. Gail is so missed but I know she is in a better place so my journey must continue on without my true love.
I enter a new decade as the "I" that I never wanted to be but I have hope. Hope of things not experienced and hope that life will again, in 2010, become something that I look forward to each morning. My hope is based on our Lord who gives all, who is all and who gives love to all who believe. I enter this new decade with so many questions and so few answers but with faith that all will be well.

For Carmen--A new beginning--A new journey

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Seven months ago

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The first reading at Gail's funeral September 18, 2009

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