Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Seven months ago

The next 2 entries are from September 13, 2009.  The first was written in the early evening.  This was Sunday and Gail was to meet Jesus Monday at 12:40 PM
Gail seems to be without pain and is comfortable. She last ate Friday afternoon and the last drink of any amount was yesterday afternoon. Hospice nurse was here at noon today and put a catheter in as she is too weak to get out of bed. She mostly is restful but at time does ask to sit up. She talks a bit but at times makes little sense. I actually got TWO smiles from her this afternoon and of course it was my highlight of the weekend. Her eyes remain young looking and her face is still radiant.

At this time the sign on the door says visitors limited to 5 min and most of them stay a shorter time. Of course if the Lord choose to come in the door is wide open and the time is unlimited. I take that back, the Lord IS here. I am most thankful for her being home with us, thank you Lord. The care and love of all the kids is overwhelming and their affection for their mother is something that should be packaged and preserved forever. I wish I could have captured 4 year old Liam sitting on the floor this morning looking up at HIS grandma. His posture and expression said Grandma you are mine and you are the best, I love you with all my heart. Grandpa could not have shown it or said it better.
It was a difficult night. Aaron, Cynthia and John carried the load as I tried to get some needed sleep. Accidents in bed, restlessness, falling---all were cared for so lovingly by the kids. God so knows what he is doing when he creates family, friends and loved ones to share life, to live life and to share in joys and burdens together. Who in the whole world could ever imagine or create such a wondrous web of things, only our God.

We continue to pray for a miracle but the reality is that our Lord is standing at the door. Lord come in glory in your timing and hear our prayers of love and hope. We believe in your healing power and pray for a miracle of healing but we accept what you have for us---not our will but your will be done.
 I really do not have much to say tonight.  My heart has been heavy as we had a camp meeting and my love for our program directors is so deep.  Gail and I worked with Jeanne, Mike, Ginny for so many years that they are like close family.  Molly has not worked as a program director so long only because she is young but she came to camp every year and she is so close too.  I really do stay composed most of the time now but during our meeting I lost it more than once.  As they left the house at about 9:15 and I stood at the closed door the emptiness seemed to wrap around me, pick me up and swallow me.  I only could stand there with tears streaming down my cheeks and say "Lord I don't understand your ways but I will not question them either.  I will do my very best to live, serve and love through your mind and your eyes."  
With that behind me I am hopeful that I can sleep well, wake up tomorrow and face a new day with hope courage and faith.  I do know that my mind will certainly be somewhat on Gail as I guess the number "14" will always be close to my heart.
I get to pick Leo up tomorrow about 9ish and then spent most of the day with him.  He is so cute and those little dimpled cheeks can only be loved.  I am hoping it will be warm enough to play in the sand box after lunch.
Time to take some Advil PM and hit the hay with the hope that I don't have to count too many sheep.

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