A slow and peaceful day

I may becoming lazy as another day with no picture. 
A Saturday with few things that had to be done and it was so welcome for some reason.  I missed a wedding but with my schedule this week and my back the way it has been I felt I needed to stay home and relax.  I think it was good. 
The day was fairly quiet and peaceful, a welcome day for me.  I did some things around home and for camp but really my pace was slow and my mind was at rest.  My home seemed to be a heavn for me with the stillness, the warm comfortable couch and few phone calls to stir the mind.  As I thought about it the day was much like the few days Gail and I had where we could relax, do some work and enjoy each other.  I don't really know if I have had a day like this since we said good bye to Gail.  I can only hope and pray that it is the beginning of the future, maybe just maybe. 
God seemed to be near and my mind seemed to be able to focus on the good, the positive and the hope of things to come. 
I enjoyed a call from Helen, the baby of the family.  It is hard to believe that in less than a month she will be wildly danceing and celebrating the BIG BIG birthday.  I promised that I will not take up more than a week on my blog to remind her and the world that she too could be close to SS benefits and to AARRP!!!  My suggestion is that all who know her send her a card that arrives close to August 7 and wish her the best in these declining years----well I did not mean declining but rather deciding years.  Anyway we had a nice talk and of course she again mentioned her very stressful and tiring job at the golf club where she works and one of her jobs is to keep the old men who play golf  away from the younger ladies all the time.  Really it was fun talking to her but it did fire me up a bit for her upcoming big day.
I will be taking my last meds for my back tomorrow and then the test comes but I am expecting my back to be good to go soon so Thank you Lord.
I will try to get a picture up tomorrow.

Not yet

I have been in one of my down times for a while now.  I keep saying Lord enough I want to move on, I want to live life in a normal way, I want to be able to focus on what lies ahead but.....   It seems that the more I say that the more difficult life becomes.  In the last couple of weeks things seem to have fallen apart in so many ways.  I also fear that if I write about it I may just write myself in deeper but it seems I need to write. 
Life seems to be something that I am currently going through but really not living.  Some of the things I have been fighting for some time now are: There seems to be no point in doing things if it is just for me, I am tired of being in a state of emotional turmoil much of the time, there seems to be no joy in life, I have difficulty in focusing on a task as my mind seems to wander any place at any time, and I think I could make the list much longer if I wanted. 
So the question is what to do and for that I have no answers.  I fight against and pray against despair, sadness, complacence, discouragement and more.  I say I need to pray more and that perhaps is true but it seems that there most be more that I can do.  Maybe I have not given Gail's death to the Lord, maybe I have not accepted it yet I am not sure but I do know I do not want to be in this state for ever, please Lord help me move on to your work, your plan, your will for me. 
I will say this in a place that I can be held accountable so I say, Lord I give you my life, I give you my dreams, I give you my time, I give you my possessions.  All I want is to follow you, to love you and to be at your feet to be your servant. Come Lord in all your majesty and love and pour your Holy Spirit into me in a new way that I may accept the path that you have given me and I may rejoice in the place you have put me in.

Not much new

Not much new today.  I think my back is a bit better each day but still is very sore and can't really do much.  I have been good about taking my meds for the back and I think they give me a dry mouth and make me tired.  I will be finished with them in a day or so.
I went to the wake for 16 year old Alex who died in a one car accident this week.  I could not stay for the prayers and slide show.  Just to close to all of that for Gail.  I will go to the funeral tomorrow too.
I think the whole thing kind of put me in a down kind of mood.  Going to things alone is difficult but going to those kind of things is double trouble.  I got offers to go with people but really that does not help so I did go alone. Lots of thoughts today, lots of memories and lots of "if only" kind of sentences but I know it is all part of life and one needs to move on to what God has. 
I have gotten some camp work done and much more to do so maybe I will do some of that tonight.

This gets old

I have not done much for the last 2 days other than ice my back, take my meds and sleep a lot.  It is getting kind of old but I do think my back is getting better.  The pain meds will be out in a day and then I will see how I feel.  I have been able to get some camp work done which HAD to be done and so that is good but the absence of walking and biking is not good.  I don't know when I will be able to get on the bike again but I hope it is not too long.
I have enjoyed Cynthia/Mike coming over the last 2 days to watch the semifinals of the World Cup but today I slept through much of the game.  I am a bit jealous of them as they will leave on vacation in a day or two. 
The summer is just flying bye.  Here we are finished with a week of July already and before I know it camp will be here.
We got another inch of rain today and that was after 8/10 of an inch a day ago.  I am thinking that all the rain will help with the shortage we have had for some time.  I could look but I think in the last 2 weeks we have gotten at least 6 inches of rain.  The grass continues to be so green.
I went out to Gail's grave site today.  I put down some weed killer on the site and am hoping it will make the grass look much nicer.  I do not know if a person should do that and maybe I should have asked.  Each time I go out there I have hope that the monument will be up but not yet.  They called to say it would be delayed 10-14 days and that was 2 weeks ago so it should be soon.  There is a new monument up right near where Gail is so that is nice.
I continue to struggle with what to do with all that needs to be done.  Actually I guess the struggle is how to live a happy life alone.  I think it is slowly coming but oh so slow.
Tomorrow I will be going to the wake of a 16 year old boy who was killed in a car roll over a few days ago.  Those times are still so hard for me.  I have learned that a person can not ask the "why".  There just is no answers to that so one must believe that God is always in control and understand that he always loves us in all situations.
No it is time to get some sleep.

Slow

I was not motivated by much today.  I am keeping on my meds for the back and they keep me kind of tired so I slept this afternoon.  The back seems a bit better but has a long way to go. 
I did some sit down work for camp and also I did some shopping for snacks etc.  I did not buy anything as I do not want to lift.
More at a different time.

Ouch

The Lee Family left camping a day early as heavy rains came in this morning.  We decided that a day in the tents with 7 very lively little kids was not much to look forward to so home it was.  The Red Barn Campgrounds was very kid friendly and a wonderful place to keep those little ones busy.
For me the campout was a BIG disappointment.  Friday morning, at home, I woke up with a sore back and I said to myself I better take things easy.  Travis and I were the first to arrive at the camp grounds so I thought it would be a good time to crawl into the pickup and take a nap.  An hour later as others arrived I woke up and got out.  As I did so the pain in my back was so great that I almost passed out and I could not see clearly for about 30 min or so.  I ended up in the hospital, got a shot and some meds for the pain.  I knew I could not sleep in the pickup or on the ground but the camp owners said we could use their cabin which was a very short way from the camp and right on the lake.  So that is where I spent all my weekend.  It never ceases to amaze me how God provides in our times of need.  I am now praying that my back heals quickly as this has happened once or twice before and I really don't want to spent several weeks being careful. 
I will work on camp things the rest of the day and then prepare for a camp meeting tomorrow night.
I do think the kids had a great time canp

Happy July

Things have been kind of crazy.
Travis will be over this morning,  We will pack and then be off to Red Barn Camp Grounds in Shell Lake WI for a 3 night family vacation.  It has been some time since EVERYONE in the family has been able to spend a vacation together and of course it will be the first since we lost Gail.  The memories of all of our New Year vacations are so wonderful and now we will start our "camping" memories as a family.  The next time we do this it will be different again as John/Mary will be coming from IN so as we all know life marches on.
As I pack(for the first time)  for camping the question I have is how much will I forget?  I have my list and will check it off as I put things in my plugger truck. What ever I forget we will have to camp without and have fun anyway.   
I will not be at the computer again until Monday afternoon when I return.