For Carmen--A new beginning--A new journey: Not yet

Friday, July 9, 2010

Not yet

I have been in one of my down times for a while now. I keep saying Lord enough I want to move on, I want to live life in a normal way, I want to be able to focus on what lies ahead but..... It seems that the more I say that the more difficult life becomes. In the last couple of weeks things seem to have fallen apart in so many ways. I also fear that if I write about it I may just write myself in deeper but it seems I need to write.
Life seems to be something that I am currently going through but really not living. Some of the things I have been fighting for some time now are: There seems to be no point in doing things if it is just for me, I am tired of being in a state of emotional turmoil much of the time, there seems to be no joy in life, I have difficulty in focusing on a task as my mind seems to wander any place at any time, and I think I could make the list much longer if I wanted.
So the question is what to do and for that I have no answers. I fight against and pray against despair, sadness, complacence, discouragement and more. I say I need to pray more and that perhaps is true but it seems that there most be more that I can do. Maybe I have not given Gail's death to the Lord, maybe I have not accepted it yet I am not sure but I do know I do not want to be in this state for ever, please Lord help me move on to your work, your plan, your will for me.
I will say this in a place that I can be held accountable so I say, Lord I give you my life, I give you my dreams, I give you my time, I give you my possessions. All I want is to follow you, to love you and to be at your feet to be your servant. Come Lord in all your majesty and love and pour your Holy Spirit into me in a new way that I may accept the path that you have given me and I may rejoice in the place you have put me in.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...: Carmen,
I believe as you do as you say in the last part, that there will be change. As you look into the face of Jesus...
A song says this:
Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face, and the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace.

His glory and grace are infinitely above anything on this earth. I pray for his glory and grace in your life.
Dave DVL; July 10, 2010 at 12:33 AM

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The first reading at Gail's funeral September 18, 2009

I know of no one who fit this better than Gail

Proverbs 31: 10-31
A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm.
all the days of her life.
She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.
She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
She gets up while it is still dark;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her servant girls.
She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
She sets about her work vigorously:
her arms are strong for her tasks.
She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her;
Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all."
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Give her the reward she has earned,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Well done good and faithful servant, your praise is much and your reward is to be with God forever.

Our Story

Our story begin in 1951, when Carmen was 4 and Gail was 5! We met as our parents were at a camera club. Fast forward--Carmen begin to attend grade school in town in 1957, the same school that Gail went to. Fast forward--We had our first date in the winter of 1964 in Gail's senior year of high school. Again--we were married June 1st of 1968. We moved to St. Paul in October of 1977 and lived at 2094 Niles Ave until Gail's death September 14 of 2009.
Gail first breast cancer was found in October of 2003. After surgery, chemo, radiation and infusions for a year she felt well and we lived life in our normal mode. Carmen retired in June of 2007 and shortly after that we quit doing the paper route as well. In the fall of 2007 we went on our dream vacation. We camped for 7 weeks in Prince Edward Island and Nova Scotia and in the New England states. Sleeping in our truck and eating over an open fire we felt that we had experienced heaven. Then in January of 2008 we spent 3 weeks in Hawaii with friends and again had so much fun. In the fall of 2008 we did much work on the outside of the house and we were so excited to enter 2009 with big plans and dreams. In January Gail was diagnosed with new cancer. For the next 7 1/2 months we prayed, changed our life style, laughed and cried often. As the end of Gail's life drew near she was peaceful and family cared for her at home until she met Jesus. It was a journey that was wonderful, exciting, blessed, full of life and full of love but of course it was too short. Gail is so missed but I know she is in a better place so my journey must continue on without my true love.
I enter a new decade as the "I" that I never wanted to be but I have hope. Hope of things not experienced and hope that life will again, in 2010, become something that I look forward to each morning. My hope is based on our Lord who gives all, who is all and who gives love to all who believe. I enter this new decade with so many questions and so few answers but with faith that all will be well.

For Carmen--A new beginning--A new journey

Friday, July 9, 2010

Not yet

1 comment:

The first reading at Gail's funeral September 18, 2009

Our Story

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