Friday, July 9, 2010

Not yet

I have been in one of my down times for a while now.  I keep saying Lord enough I want to move on, I want to live life in a normal way, I want to be able to focus on what lies ahead but.....   It seems that the more I say that the more difficult life becomes.  In the last couple of weeks things seem to have fallen apart in so many ways.  I also fear that if I write about it I may just write myself in deeper but it seems I need to write. 
Life seems to be something that I am currently going through but really not living.  Some of the things I have been fighting for some time now are: There seems to be no point in doing things if it is just for me, I am tired of being in a state of emotional turmoil much of the time, there seems to be no joy in life, I have difficulty in focusing on a task as my mind seems to wander any place at any time, and I think I could make the list much longer if I wanted. 
So the question is what to do and for that I have no answers.  I fight against and pray against despair, sadness, complacence, discouragement and more.  I say I need to pray more and that perhaps is true but it seems that there most be more that I can do.  Maybe I have not given Gail's death to the Lord, maybe I have not accepted it yet I am not sure but I do know I do not want to be in this state for ever, please Lord help me move on to your work, your plan, your will for me. 
I will say this in a place that I can be held accountable so I say, Lord I give you my life, I give you my dreams, I give you my time, I give you my possessions.  All I want is to follow you, to love you and to be at your feet to be your servant. Come Lord in all your majesty and love and pour your Holy Spirit into me in a new way that I may accept the path that you have given me and I may rejoice in the place you have put me in.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I believe as you do as you say in the last part, that there will be change. As you look into the face of Jesus...
A song says this:
Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face, and the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace.

His glory and grace are infinitely above anything on this earth. I pray for his glory and grace in your life.
Dave DVL