Monday, July 12, 2010

Glory glory glory

Here is Leo at our family camp out.  We stayed at the Red Barn Camp Grounds and they made it very kid friendly.

The Glory is about my bike ride today.  For the first time in about 10 days I was able to get on the bike and go for a ride.  The smell of the air, the feel of tired calves, the bugs in the air and the sweat on my forehead were so welcome and fun.  I only rode for about 8 miles but my back did fine and it was glorious.  I so so need to get out of the house and get some exercise in daily.  It helps me feel alive, it helps me sleep better, it helps me know that there is more to life than work and it just is so good.
Those grand kids are getting so big it is hard to believe.  Here Leo seems to be enjoying feeding the pony some hay.  Of course I missed it all as I was mostly in a chair or bed at the cabin but I am so thankful that my back is almost back to normal and now I should get into the habit of doing something to make sure it stays good.
I have been doing much better in the last few days.  I want to so much to be at a good place so that I can not only help others but be there for family.  It just is such a challenge to be strong, be brave and put the "Gail/Carmen/ life in the memory bank and move on with life.  To be really honest I don't want to but to be honest I want to, how about that.  It is such a strange thing to be alone after so long.  I have actually had good days and then as I lay in bed ready for sleep feel guilty about it.  I know and everybody knows that is crazy and not right but it is also real and it happens even though it makes no sense.  I want to be happy, I want to be in a good place but then sometimes I say how can I leave Gail behind and have her in my memory only??  We all know that is OK but in reality it does not always work that way. 
This journey of grieving, of losing, of moving on and rebuilding one's life in a different way is almost too much, too complicated, to confusing for some one like me.  BUT here I am so I best do what I can do in the way that I know best and see what happens.

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