No pictures

Camp continues to get more busy each day.  So many details to take care of and maybe not enough time to get all done.  I am sure when August 8 comes we will be fine and God will work in a powerful way but sometimes it seems like that is so far away!!
I went to look at the granite for the monument today.  They will do the writing on it this week and it is scheduled to be installed early next week.  I think it will be kind of a big thing with me when it is finally in and done.  Gail's writing on the stone will look nice. 
Not much else.  The whole family minus Aaron/Amy went to the Twins game last night compliments of Travis.  Being together was fun but the game was long long long.  We left after 3+ hours with the Twins way behind and still almost 1/3 of the game to play.  Wow
I had better get some sleep as I will be baby sitting at 5:45 AM tomorrow as Jude has an appt with the dr.

Roses

I think the rose bushes that Gail so dearly loved say it all.  God is good, he is love and his world is beautiful.

Oh My

I was not ready for this picture.  A friend of Travis' did a fund raiser for cancer and did this in Gail's memory.  I totally lost it when I saw the picture and still as I write this I have tears.  I guess it is true that a picture is worth a thousand words.  It is hard to believe but to this day I often think about Gail and say is she really gone?
The last few days have been interesting.  I don't think I have seen family in the last 4 days.  I know that has not happened since Gail died and for many many months before that as well.  I am not saying it was bad or anything it just was so so different and I found that I got very lonesome.  I did drive past John/Mary's place and it looked like they had company from out state, perhaps Mary's family from South Bend.  Cynthia/Mike are still on vacation and I have talked to Travis a bit but not seen him.  So it is what it is but very very different and I guess I may get used to it as soon there will be less family close.  As I have said before I really do get lonesome and that is some thing I did not think would happen to me.  I guess it is never to late to learn something about one self.
I had a nice phone conversation with Gail's mother and sister yesterday.  Grandma is so busy now, at the age of 89, that it is often hard to call as she is not home much.  I would say that is good.
The weekend so far has been hot and slow.  Not much happening but I have gotten work done around the house. 
Some probably have noticed that I now do not blog everyday and I mention Gail less.  I am trying to do that as at this stage I sometimes feel that talking a lot sends me into a downer.  More and more I try to recall the happy memories and then get on with my life.  I try and sometimes do well but it still is so hard.  I am very very surprised at my emotions.  Sometimes they seem so out of control I get mad at myself and sometimes I do OK. 
With the hot weather I am using this time to do somethings in the basement where it is cooler so will return there to throw, recycle, keep and wonder!!!!!

A hot day

Here are Aaron and Amy on our family camp out.  They look both serious and busy and like they are having fun. 
A hot hot day.  I spent time outside hanging clothes, washing the car and a little biking and it was sweat weather.  Hard to keep enough liquid in the body.  I think it is supposed to be about the same tomorrow so the air will be off tonight but go on early tomorrow and stay on most of the day.
The latest word on the monument is that I will go to see the granite on Tuesday and they say it will be in within a week after that.  That means that it should be in place by July 27.  I was hoping that it would be in place before John/Mary go to South Bend and that should happen.
I am finding that more and more and more I am becoming the single guy.  I don't really like that idea but given my life situation right now it is what it is.  I am finding that even though I like to be alone some of the time I have found out that I would not be a good hermit and I really do need people in my life.  I am not so sure those people need me as much as I need them.  I am finding that nights are not so bad and I can and do function fairly well in the "alone/I" mode.  Today I washed a load of white clothes and hung them out on the line and it was not so bad.  I will never get to the place that Gail was and that was really loving those clothes hanging on the line but it is OK.  That reminds me that I do need to get them in before dark so they stay dry.  Now I just need to get into the place of not only bringing them in but folding them and putting them away.  I have come to believe that I never will learn how to keep white clothes white.  It seemed that Gail could put white clothes in the machine and like magic they would come out and look snow white.  Well my socks and T shirts are FAR from that but if they look OK and are clean I will be fine with that.
I continue to get some exercise in and watch fairly well what I eat so I have lost some weight but I do have a goal for this fall and hope I can meet it.  Like so many others perhaps I have a fist full of pants etc. hanging that I want and need to get into and I do think that can happen. 
I need to put an egg dish together tonight as there will be 5 men here at 7:00 tomorrow and they will be needing something to eat.  I will be using a dish that Aaron's Amy gave me and it should be pretty good.
I was able to get the car washed today and it looks nice.  It is amazing how fast it gets dirty.  Now that has not been a priority for a LONG time but now it is kind of fun to vacuum and wash it so that it looks nice. 
I have not seen John/Mary for a few days but as I drove past their house today I think one of her sisters is there. I t will certainly look funny the first time they come to visit and their plates on the car are either IN or MI,  I think I have those letters correct. 
No here it is past 7:00 and I told myself that I would try to watch some of the Twins game so will close for tonight.

The three guys

Here are Leo, Henry and Liam in that order during our family campout July 4th weekend.
Not too much to say tonight. 
Camp is seeming to close in on all fronts as it is so close now and so much to do.  I am sure it will all get done but there is MUCH to do.
We had another rain today with .35 inches in a short time so the grass continues to grow so fast and stay so green. 
I feel that I am getting behind in many things as the yard, the garden the camp and other things seem to all peek at this time of the year. 
I did not sleep well last night, which is unusual now.  I actually have been sleeping pretty well for some time now.  I will try to get in early tonight as 6:00 AM meditations will come soon.  Those Thursdays are really good by they seem to come around very fast.
I have missed Cynthia and family as they are out of town on vacation this week and now am looking at only really 2 weeks and John will be in South Bend so time flies, life changes and who knows what is around the corner.

Glory glory glory

Here is Leo at our family camp out.  We stayed at the Red Barn Camp Grounds and they made it very kid friendly.

The Glory is about my bike ride today.  For the first time in about 10 days I was able to get on the bike and go for a ride.  The smell of the air, the feel of tired calves, the bugs in the air and the sweat on my forehead were so welcome and fun.  I only rode for about 8 miles but my back did fine and it was glorious.  I so so need to get out of the house and get some exercise in daily.  It helps me feel alive, it helps me sleep better, it helps me know that there is more to life than work and it just is so good.
Those grand kids are getting so big it is hard to believe.  Here Leo seems to be enjoying feeding the pony some hay.  Of course I missed it all as I was mostly in a chair or bed at the cabin but I am so thankful that my back is almost back to normal and now I should get into the habit of doing something to make sure it stays good.
I have been doing much better in the last few days.  I want to so much to be at a good place so that I can not only help others but be there for family.  It just is such a challenge to be strong, be brave and put the "Gail/Carmen/ life in the memory bank and move on with life.  To be really honest I don't want to but to be honest I want to, how about that.  It is such a strange thing to be alone after so long.  I have actually had good days and then as I lay in bed ready for sleep feel guilty about it.  I know and everybody knows that is crazy and not right but it is also real and it happens even though it makes no sense.  I want to be happy, I want to be in a good place but then sometimes I say how can I leave Gail behind and have her in my memory only??  We all know that is OK but in reality it does not always work that way. 
This journey of grieving, of losing, of moving on and rebuilding one's life in a different way is almost too much, too complicated, to confusing for some one like me.  BUT here I am so I best do what I can do in the way that I know best and see what happens.

Kind of the same

Another day of no picture, not much happening and a peaceful day.  I don't ever remember a weekend like this for many many months.  There were some things happening but for the most part it was home, a little work, some rest and some alone time which for right now was most welcome. 
I did get some camp work done and it had better get done as 5 weeks from today camp 2010 will be history.  That is hard to believe but it is true.  I did get some of my data base up to date and plan to finish that tomorrow which will give me a good idea of numbers which I suspect may be down a bit.  What ever happens I have no complaints as God will do what he wants to do and he will, in his way, use people to get it done.  I guess if I knew what he wanted to get done we would not need God so best be tuned in, ready for what ever he wants.
An interesting thing has happened this weekend.  I have been able to some degree to change some of my thinking.  I can feel and sense a change in that it seems I am better able to focus on a task and when I think about Gail I am better at keeping it in memory terms and not so much saying I miss her so much.  That is a good thing and I pray and hope that it can continue.
That actually is enough for tonight.