I heated some soup, sat down at the coffee table and did some reading while I ate dinner. When I finished I just sat back and stared at the mantel. I burst into tears and they just did not want to stop. I needed to get out so for the next hour or so I just walked up and down Niles Ave. I watched people through open windows, I met people out for a walk and I saw some working yet in the dark but mainly I kept asking myself why did I cry like that, why why why. I think God gave me the answer as I walked past a house that has several children. It came to me that at this point in my life without Gail I have no dreams. Gail and I dreamed a lot. We raised 4 children on a teacher's salary which tells anyone why we dreamed a lot and did not do so many things. Those dreams were so important. They fostered hope, they actually took us places we could not afford to go, they made for wonderful conversation and a whole lot more. As I looked in at that family it just came to me that my family is grown, Gail is gone and for the last 7+ weeks there have been no dreams which means no hope and no anticipation. Perhaps when death is so close one is not meant to dream but rather just to remember and cope. I must keep that in mind as time goes on because I want to dream again, I want to anticipate, I want to hope and I want to plan.
The things a person sees when you walk in the dark are pretty interesting. A lady down the street was almost running as she mowed her lawn in the dark. I am not sure if she had worked late or she waited until dark as she dumped the leaves on the street!!
I am not getting my packing done for hunting. My motivation is about a D- tonight but I need to get on the road early in the morning so best be doing what has to be done.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
It is hard to believe
Cynthia sent a quart of green smoothie home with me this morning. So what did I do, when I arrived home from Sam's Club this afternoon I had a choice of a tall glass of green stuff or a nice cold beer. You are wrong, I had the green smoothie!!! Not only that but when I stopped in the store to get some things for hunting I bought a can of steel cut oatmeal. I am sure that radical move was prompted from above. I will not put raisins in it but I will have it for breakfast tomorrow. All of that just goes to show that miracles still do happen in my life.
I had a nice breakfast with Jim c this morning. I then got a call from a person who needed a ride to the dr. I went over to get her right away but there was nobody home so I am not sure what happened with that. I then met Travis and we looked at tires for his car and now I must get busy and pack for tomorrow.
I did put about 9 more sacks for the recycle and several boxes in the garage. Travis said he would come over Monday AM and put it out for me. The number of cards Gail got from the fall of 03 to this fall is overwhelming. She kept each one and I know it was her intent to thank each person. Oh my but Gail's desire to relate and thank people was too too too much for her energy. I have found envelopes stamped and addressed to people and of course her intent was to write a thank you. Some of them had 37 cent stamps on them so it was a long time ago. I just know that her heart was too big for her mind. There are just so few people who have the kindness that Gail had.
I will be leaving about 6 AM tomorrow and IF I am lucky enough to get a deer on Saturday I will be home on Sunday. IF that is not the case I will be home sometime early in the week so my blogging will wait until I return.
The weather has been so so so so so nice today. These nice fall days makes my heart ache for Gail's presence. Perhaps next fall will be different. Today I was picturing the times in the fall when Henry and Liam were here and we were raking leaves. Gail was in her glory with the boys working, playing and having so much fun. I wonder if she gets to rake leaves this fall??
I had a nice breakfast with Jim c this morning. I then got a call from a person who needed a ride to the dr. I went over to get her right away but there was nobody home so I am not sure what happened with that. I then met Travis and we looked at tires for his car and now I must get busy and pack for tomorrow.
I did put about 9 more sacks for the recycle and several boxes in the garage. Travis said he would come over Monday AM and put it out for me. The number of cards Gail got from the fall of 03 to this fall is overwhelming. She kept each one and I know it was her intent to thank each person. Oh my but Gail's desire to relate and thank people was too too too much for her energy. I have found envelopes stamped and addressed to people and of course her intent was to write a thank you. Some of them had 37 cent stamps on them so it was a long time ago. I just know that her heart was too big for her mind. There are just so few people who have the kindness that Gail had.
I will be leaving about 6 AM tomorrow and IF I am lucky enough to get a deer on Saturday I will be home on Sunday. IF that is not the case I will be home sometime early in the week so my blogging will wait until I return.
The weather has been so so so so so nice today. These nice fall days makes my heart ache for Gail's presence. Perhaps next fall will be different. Today I was picturing the times in the fall when Henry and Liam were here and we were raking leaves. Gail was in her glory with the boys working, playing and having so much fun. I wonder if she gets to rake leaves this fall??
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
It just ain't the same
Today I was on the go a lot. Went to the store early this morning and then enjoyed having Travis over for breakfast until about 11:30. Did some running and then took care of Henry, Liam and Audrey for about 3 hours. It was fun but it just was not the same. Gail loved those kids so much and I realize she is in a much better place now BUT oh I wish she could see the grandchildren grow. All of them are so much advanced now then last June. Actually June was about the last month Gail could really enjoy the kids. I know I should be happy but I am sad. I just can not help it. I was on the brink of tears most of the evening. I will resist as much as I can from saying why God. I know his plan is perfect and his timing is not mine but today it makes me cry. God must have a special plan for Henry, Liam, Leo, Faustina, Audrey, Jude and ? as they will miss out on what Grandma could have given them so I am sure God has another plan that is grander. I know that in the short time Gail was able to be with the kids the last few years she loved them so much and for that they will be better but the time was so short. She often said she did not have a grandma and she wanted to be the best one she could be. I know tomorrow will bring more peace but it will not bring understanding and I guess I need to be OK with that.
I will go out with Jim C for breakfast tomorrow morning and then I need to finish packing for deer hunting. I am going to pray that I get a deer on Saturday as Jude will be baptised Sunday and it sure would be nice to be back for that as I also missed Faustina's baptism. Who knows I may get out in the field, dream about Gail and a whole parade of deer may walk by and laugh at me.
I am lonesome more so tonight than I have been in the last week. Knowing the Lord one can be sure that this will pass. I honestly do not know how anyone can lose a loved one and get through it without knowing and loving God. As the days go by my life alone becomes more real and I will have to grow into it as for now I would have to be honest and say it is difficult. I can often cover my wounded heart by "doing" but when I stop to rest or to collect my thoughts the wound festers and hurts.
When people ask me how I am doing I still say fine and that is true, I guess the journey that I am having to take will be measured in months, not days or minutes.
I will go out with Jim C for breakfast tomorrow morning and then I need to finish packing for deer hunting. I am going to pray that I get a deer on Saturday as Jude will be baptised Sunday and it sure would be nice to be back for that as I also missed Faustina's baptism. Who knows I may get out in the field, dream about Gail and a whole parade of deer may walk by and laugh at me.
I am lonesome more so tonight than I have been in the last week. Knowing the Lord one can be sure that this will pass. I honestly do not know how anyone can lose a loved one and get through it without knowing and loving God. As the days go by my life alone becomes more real and I will have to grow into it as for now I would have to be honest and say it is difficult. I can often cover my wounded heart by "doing" but when I stop to rest or to collect my thoughts the wound festers and hurts.
When people ask me how I am doing I still say fine and that is true, I guess the journey that I am having to take will be measured in months, not days or minutes.
Life goes on
Each day it seems that I come to a new thought or a new realization about life after Gail (LAG). I now call it lag for life after Gail. I know that Gail is so present and so close to my heart but her physical presence is not with me and that is so missed in every thing I do so my life is now LAG.
Last night I had dinner with Mike/Jeanne Oberg and family. Mike and Jeanne have been working camp with me forever almost and of course the talk turned to camp without Gail. The talk was short and the spirit was let's not go there yet. Everyone knows that Gail's impact, her input, her work for camp just is irreplaceable. Do we need another program director? We can wait to see but for now no. Outside of family I know that Gail's physical presence will be felt most at camp meetings. Her quiet, insightful, wise input will be so so missed. Of course it goes without saying that her infectious smile will not be there.
I am becoming a tiny bit more comfortable going places without Gail at my side. In all honesty most of the time I go someplace in my heart I would rather stay home but I know that I should not isolate myself but rather I need to do things, go places and act like a real person. I am sure God's grace is with me as doing that has not been as difficult as I thought.
I continue to be fairly successful in avoiding the "why" question. The times I fail and I do ask that I find myself with no answers and falling into a spirit of self pity and the "poor me" idea. I find that when I am able to thank the Lord for Gail, smile when I think of her and hold her close to my heart without piercing my heart it is much much better for me. I will continue to try and do that Lord but I do still need your help ALL the time.
Travis is coming over at 9 this morning and we will have breakfast together. He wants to learn how I make scrambled eggs. I am looking forward to it.
Last night I had dinner with Mike/Jeanne Oberg and family. Mike and Jeanne have been working camp with me forever almost and of course the talk turned to camp without Gail. The talk was short and the spirit was let's not go there yet. Everyone knows that Gail's impact, her input, her work for camp just is irreplaceable. Do we need another program director? We can wait to see but for now no. Outside of family I know that Gail's physical presence will be felt most at camp meetings. Her quiet, insightful, wise input will be so so missed. Of course it goes without saying that her infectious smile will not be there.
I am becoming a tiny bit more comfortable going places without Gail at my side. In all honesty most of the time I go someplace in my heart I would rather stay home but I know that I should not isolate myself but rather I need to do things, go places and act like a real person. I am sure God's grace is with me as doing that has not been as difficult as I thought.
I continue to be fairly successful in avoiding the "why" question. The times I fail and I do ask that I find myself with no answers and falling into a spirit of self pity and the "poor me" idea. I find that when I am able to thank the Lord for Gail, smile when I think of her and hold her close to my heart without piercing my heart it is much much better for me. I will continue to try and do that Lord but I do still need your help ALL the time.
Travis is coming over at 9 this morning and we will have breakfast together. He wants to learn how I make scrambled eggs. I am looking forward to it.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Another first
I was so happy and blessed as John/Mary and kids, Travis and Cynthia/Mike and kids came to the prayer service at Lumen Christi last night. I have not ventured to church at Lumen Christi except for the 4:30 mass last week so I have not encountered people I know there. Well last night was a first and of course it is a bit difficult. It was OK but not easy. I will have another first this morning as John Z, Harold and Jerry come at 6 this morning for meditations. We have not gathered since before Gail died. This morning we will just talk, share and then decide on meditations for the future. Little by little, bit by bit these firsts are taking place with some time since September 14th and the streams of tears are becoming a trickle at times or perhaps a moist eye.
I did go to Bonnie's funeral yesterday. I did not feel up to staying for lunch so I left before that. One thing that makes losing a loved one somewhat tolerable is that people are so kind. Almost everyone gives hugs, kind words and so many assurances of support and company. I would say that I have almost (not quite) too much support. It is unbelievable how many people invite me over, ask if I can go out for lunch etc. This may sound strange but sometimes I just marvel that people are so kind and genuine in their support and love. I do hope my surprise about that does not say anything about me.
I had a surprise yesterday. I needed something and went to the 3 drawer file we have upstairs. As I opened it I could not believe everything in it!!!! Of course I had opened it many times before but I had not the mind set of going through that too. The file was our second piece of furniture we purchased and as I somewhat laughingly fingered through it last night I asked myself if everything we filed in the late 60's and early 70's is still there?? In the receipt file was the papers from our tiller which we paid $250 for in 1973. I do believe the warranty has expired but it still works! Also noticed the papers from our 1971 World Book Encyclopedia set and well you get the drift! I would ask who else in this world has a 3 drawer file. A 2 or a 4 but a three!!!!! It might say a lot about Gail and I.
Lastly I begin to look at more advanced digital cameras Monday. I have always enjoyed picture taking and I have a Canon SLR EOS 630 and of course have not used it for a long time. But I have 3 very nice and expensive lenses for it. I found out that my lenses would fit on a new digital Canon but the catch of course is at this time they are not giving them away. I decided against pulling a Petters or Mardoff things so may have to wait a bit.
It is almost time for the guys to come.
I did go to Bonnie's funeral yesterday. I did not feel up to staying for lunch so I left before that. One thing that makes losing a loved one somewhat tolerable is that people are so kind. Almost everyone gives hugs, kind words and so many assurances of support and company. I would say that I have almost (not quite) too much support. It is unbelievable how many people invite me over, ask if I can go out for lunch etc. This may sound strange but sometimes I just marvel that people are so kind and genuine in their support and love. I do hope my surprise about that does not say anything about me.
I had a surprise yesterday. I needed something and went to the 3 drawer file we have upstairs. As I opened it I could not believe everything in it!!!! Of course I had opened it many times before but I had not the mind set of going through that too. The file was our second piece of furniture we purchased and as I somewhat laughingly fingered through it last night I asked myself if everything we filed in the late 60's and early 70's is still there?? In the receipt file was the papers from our tiller which we paid $250 for in 1973. I do believe the warranty has expired but it still works! Also noticed the papers from our 1971 World Book Encyclopedia set and well you get the drift! I would ask who else in this world has a 3 drawer file. A 2 or a 4 but a three!!!!! It might say a lot about Gail and I.
Lastly I begin to look at more advanced digital cameras Monday. I have always enjoyed picture taking and I have a Canon SLR EOS 630 and of course have not used it for a long time. But I have 3 very nice and expensive lenses for it. I found out that my lenses would fit on a new digital Canon but the catch of course is at this time they are not giving them away. I decided against pulling a Petters or Mardoff things so may have to wait a bit.
It is almost time for the guys to come.
Monday, November 2, 2009
A new day and many thoughts
I have an unusual number of thoughts as I sit here this morning. I would like the Phillies to win the world series but the Yankees took a 3-1 lead last night and actually I don't care. The Vikings beat the Packers yesterday and that is nice but not a big deal. I am preparing to hunt deer this weekend and that is OK but if I were to miss it that's fine. Visa will get my auto payment today which will cover 2/3 of my expenses from the last 6 weeks. It literately will consume all the money I have available and more but that some how does not seem important now.
I will be shaving and getting ready in a short time for Bonnie's funeral. Bonnie would have turned 59 next month. I could not get myself to go to Paul Korkowski's funeral 2 weeks ago, I think he was 47. I am in the middle of mourning and grieving Gail who would have celebrated her 64 birthday next month. At times the hurt is so big and so real that I almost look in the mirror to see if there is a huge lump of coal in my throat. As I sit here with tears streaming down my face this morning I guess I know why the Phillies, the Vikings and my finances are not so important. Last night as I sat near the back at Bonnie's prayer service and felt the hot humid tears trickling down my cheeks on to my green fleece top I wondered silently if those tears would etch little paths on my face that would forever label me "a man who lost his woman" as the song says. I decided that I didn't care and if that happened perhaps people would ask what happened to me and then I could tell them how I missed Gail so much. I asked if that would or could be part of God's plan and he said maybe.
When I arrived home last night I remembered how in the last few months I would always tell Gail when we got home that I would go to the back and then come through the house to open the front door for her. (I need to fix the front door) I didn't have to do that last night. I just went in the back door and that was the end. Wallace, my dog, greeted me but I kind of ignored him as I noticed how big, how empty, how quiet and how dark the house seemed. And it actually is better now than a month ago.
Gail died 7 weeks ago today. I will think of that at Bonnie's funeral today. Lord your plan, your timing, and the personal path we each most take I accept but sometimes it is not easy.
Once again I put out much recycling today. I almost feel like a tiny part of me is scooped up and thrown into the truck as they take away papers, cards etc. that I have been putting out.
The more I write the more I think and the more I think this morning the more I just sit. I will get up, get ready and be on the go most of the day. Lumen Christi is having a prayer service for families who have lost loved ones so it will be another emotional night.
I will be shaving and getting ready in a short time for Bonnie's funeral. Bonnie would have turned 59 next month. I could not get myself to go to Paul Korkowski's funeral 2 weeks ago, I think he was 47. I am in the middle of mourning and grieving Gail who would have celebrated her 64 birthday next month. At times the hurt is so big and so real that I almost look in the mirror to see if there is a huge lump of coal in my throat. As I sit here with tears streaming down my face this morning I guess I know why the Phillies, the Vikings and my finances are not so important. Last night as I sat near the back at Bonnie's prayer service and felt the hot humid tears trickling down my cheeks on to my green fleece top I wondered silently if those tears would etch little paths on my face that would forever label me "a man who lost his woman" as the song says. I decided that I didn't care and if that happened perhaps people would ask what happened to me and then I could tell them how I missed Gail so much. I asked if that would or could be part of God's plan and he said maybe.
When I arrived home last night I remembered how in the last few months I would always tell Gail when we got home that I would go to the back and then come through the house to open the front door for her. (I need to fix the front door) I didn't have to do that last night. I just went in the back door and that was the end. Wallace, my dog, greeted me but I kind of ignored him as I noticed how big, how empty, how quiet and how dark the house seemed. And it actually is better now than a month ago.
Gail died 7 weeks ago today. I will think of that at Bonnie's funeral today. Lord your plan, your timing, and the personal path we each most take I accept but sometimes it is not easy.
Once again I put out much recycling today. I almost feel like a tiny part of me is scooped up and thrown into the truck as they take away papers, cards etc. that I have been putting out.
The more I write the more I think and the more I think this morning the more I just sit. I will get up, get ready and be on the go most of the day. Lumen Christi is having a prayer service for families who have lost loved ones so it will be another emotional night.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Slow down
As I tossed and turned in bed last night I tried to figure out how I can slow down my mind. Each time I would wake up I would think of something to do, some place I needed to go, someone I needed to call, yard work left undone and the list goes on. I need to figure it out soon as I am tired this morning.
Twenty-nine years ago this morning Gail and I got ready to go to a meeting. As we pulled into the parking lot mid morning Gail said we had better turn around and go to the hospital. Her water broke before we got there and I dropped her off in the emergency driveway. By the time I parked and arrived in the birthing room Cynthia had arrived. Today, at the age of 29, she is this lovely young lady with 2 precious little ones and a fine husband. I would almost give anything if Gail could be here today but it is not to be so we will have to celebrate without mother. That is difficult to do but we will give it our best effort and we will give the Lord thanks for all he has blessed us with in the past 29 years.
I think I continue to be in the infant stages of figuring out who I am, how I should live and what should I do. After spending 40+ years molding my individualism into one with Gail it now is a daunting task to step back and figure out who I am. The last time I was an individual (I say that with NO regrets) was when I was an 18 year old green behind the ears. I mean I was so green I have come to believe there was some mold there! Today I have 7 children (3 are by marriage), 6 2/3 grandchildren, 41 years of marriage behind me, 38 years in education behind me and I am brand new. It is almost not believable. It is an experience that I never wanted for myself but it is here so I will try to make lemonade out of lemons. For some reason that expression has new meaning.
Twenty-nine years ago this morning Gail and I got ready to go to a meeting. As we pulled into the parking lot mid morning Gail said we had better turn around and go to the hospital. Her water broke before we got there and I dropped her off in the emergency driveway. By the time I parked and arrived in the birthing room Cynthia had arrived. Today, at the age of 29, she is this lovely young lady with 2 precious little ones and a fine husband. I would almost give anything if Gail could be here today but it is not to be so we will have to celebrate without mother. That is difficult to do but we will give it our best effort and we will give the Lord thanks for all he has blessed us with in the past 29 years.
I think I continue to be in the infant stages of figuring out who I am, how I should live and what should I do. After spending 40+ years molding my individualism into one with Gail it now is a daunting task to step back and figure out who I am. The last time I was an individual (I say that with NO regrets) was when I was an 18 year old green behind the ears. I mean I was so green I have come to believe there was some mold there! Today I have 7 children (3 are by marriage), 6 2/3 grandchildren, 41 years of marriage behind me, 38 years in education behind me and I am brand new. It is almost not believable. It is an experience that I never wanted for myself but it is here so I will try to make lemonade out of lemons. For some reason that expression has new meaning.
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