I have an unusual number of thoughts as I sit here this morning. I would like the Phillies to win the world series but the Yankees took a 3-1 lead last night and actually I don't care. The Vikings beat the Packers yesterday and that is nice but not a big deal. I am preparing to hunt deer this weekend and that is OK but if I were to miss it that's fine. Visa will get my auto payment today which will cover 2/3 of my expenses from the last 6 weeks. It literately will consume all the money I have available and more but that some how does not seem important now.
I will be shaving and getting ready in a short time for Bonnie's funeral. Bonnie would have turned 59 next month. I could not get myself to go to Paul Korkowski's funeral 2 weeks ago, I think he was 47. I am in the middle of mourning and grieving Gail who would have celebrated her 64 birthday next month. At times the hurt is so big and so real that I almost look in the mirror to see if there is a huge lump of coal in my throat. As I sit here with tears streaming down my face this morning I guess I know why the Phillies, the Vikings and my finances are not so important. Last night as I sat near the back at Bonnie's prayer service and felt the hot humid tears trickling down my cheeks on to my green fleece top I wondered silently if those tears would etch little paths on my face that would forever label me "a man who lost his woman" as the song says. I decided that I didn't care and if that happened perhaps people would ask what happened to me and then I could tell them how I missed Gail so much. I asked if that would or could be part of God's plan and he said maybe.
When I arrived home last night I remembered how in the last few months I would always tell Gail when we got home that I would go to the back and then come through the house to open the front door for her. (I need to fix the front door) I didn't have to do that last night. I just went in the back door and that was the end. Wallace, my dog, greeted me but I kind of ignored him as I noticed how big, how empty, how quiet and how dark the house seemed. And it actually is better now than a month ago.
Gail died 7 weeks ago today. I will think of that at Bonnie's funeral today. Lord your plan, your timing, and the personal path we each most take I accept but sometimes it is not easy.
Once again I put out much recycling today. I almost feel like a tiny part of me is scooped up and thrown into the truck as they take away papers, cards etc. that I have been putting out.
The more I write the more I think and the more I think this morning the more I just sit. I will get up, get ready and be on the go most of the day. Lumen Christi is having a prayer service for families who have lost loved ones so it will be another emotional night.
1 comment:
Carmen,
It always appears that there are not many comments. But I am sure there are many who are and have been following your updates. I really look forward to reading them. You are very gifted at expressing your thoughts and feelings and I know that you would change the circumstances in a second if you could. But I have to believe that your writings are an instrument of grace and blessing to many. I encourage you to keep blogging and to see what the Father has in mind for you with this very special call. Our prayers continue for your journey.
David Limberg
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