Yesterday was a tiring day. I met with Bob B for 7:30 breakfast in Burnsville. I had not had a time with Bob for many years. Of course our talk at some point turned to Gail. I find that I must use much emotional energy as when ever I come away from those times I just feel like I am totally spent. Those times are good and necessary but exhausting.
Then in the afternoon I worked in the yard most of the time and actually did not come in until it was very dark. I remembered that if Gail would have been working with me I would have needed to drag her in from that kind of activity. I did get most of the back yard a bit clean. It looks like we may not have much more time to work outside.
I continue to have some difficultly sleeping. I tossed and turned last night. I was very awake at 1:30 and finally got up at 5. I can and I have taken something like Advil PM but I really do not like to rely on that for sleep. Last night Gail and another girl from HS were in my dream, go figure that. I think I may be a bit uptight for Thanksgiving. I say I am not but.......maybe. I need to go get the farm fresh turkey this afternoon.
One of my new focus area is my mind! I know that it really really helps me if I tell myself often that I am OK. I find myself feeling like things I read. If I read that grief makes one tired, I feel tired. If I read that grief makes a person very sad, I feel sad. I do not want to push myself beyond what I should be doing but I know that I need to repeat to myself many times a day that I am OK, I am OK, it helps me a lot.
I find that I am not adjusting very well to doing little in terms of action things. I am used to planning, to doing, to going, to making things happen and to sit back and think and reflect and just SLOW down for a period of time is very difficult. When I think of what I have done these last 9 weeks it is not much which is OK and good for me at this time but oh my it often makes me uneasy and restless to say the least.
I found a cross that I had made and given to Gail March of 1998. It is simple, it is not a crucifix, and it is made of curly maple. It had been on the wall for a long time and then I made something else and it came down. I put it up again about 3 weeks ago. It is on a wall that I can easily see when I sit and read scripture and pray. I have found that it has taken on much meaning for me. As I look at it I think about the suffering Jesus endured for us because he loved us so much. I think about all the suffering Gail endured because she loved me and us. The cross has become a symbol of love for me and it encourages me to love more and love better and love more often and do it with a happy heart at all times.
I have also begin to realize how special Gail's last months were. How much God gave family and friends through her being at home, her clear mind, her bright eyes and her infectious personality to the very day she died. I will never forget the tiny smile I got out of her as I held her in my arms the day before she died. It is very difficult for me to see that through the tears at times but I am beginning to appreciate it and be thankful for it more and more each day.
I went uptown this morning to order some rolls for Thursday morning. As I walked into the bakery I met met a friend and also my insurance person. He lost his wife to breast cancer about 3 years ago. Their story is very much like Gail's and mine. After his wife Judy died he went through very serious health problems related to her death. Two years after Judy died he met someone, remarried and now his life appears to be righted again. When I met him today he was in a hurry and our quick exchange was hi, how are you and good bye. The encounter again reminded me that God wants us to live life to the very end. We may lose friends, family, spouse or any other kind of tragedy in our life but in the end God's love prevails. I saw that today, I know that, I agree with that but for sure the pain here and now is much!
I do not know how much I will blog over the next few days. Aaron/Amy and Leo will be coming tomorrow and staying until Friday afternoon. The house will be full, busy and I am sure there will be a full range of emotions. Lord come with your love, with your grace with your protection and make this Thanksgiving full of family and fun as we know that Gail will enjoy her most amazing Thanksgiving ever.