I just sat down after spending about 2+ hours in the kitchen. I do have 2 egg dishes in the fridge and the muffins are in a zip lock bag. I had some tears while I did that. I wish I could be more happy about doing those things but the truth is I just miss Gail so much. I am at a point now that not too often do I break up in a crowd. It does happen but not so much as it did the first 1 1/2 months. BUT it is so hard to do some of the things that I did in the past when Gail was here. I caught myself saying that I needed to ask Gail how to do something tonight. I do believe that my heart will mostly heal and my spirit will come back most of the way but for now it just is so lonely. I dare not go to thoughts of some of the dreams we had. If life is much about dreams then we had a full full life but for now I dare not go there for a while. I think that stupid social security "death benefit" thing just threw me for a loop. How dare they call it a death benefit as there is no benefit in a loved one dying. I wish I had not applied for the stupid $255 thing but I did and it will come and I suppose this time will pass.
Well I need to put one of those dishes in the oven at 6 AM so I should get to bed. Perhaps this whole darn night is just partly tired. I did not sleep well last night and then I actually over slept for meeting John for breakfast.
Tonight I just am not happy and sometimes when that happens I just think it may feel good to delete the blog and forget about writing. At times when I read it back to myself I just say that it is so silly and stupid that it is senseless. I know that there are a few people who read it but times like this who cares, no I better quit. Sometimes sleep really helps so I will try that.