Friday, November 20, 2009

It's not the same of course

I just sat down after spending about 2+ hours in the kitchen. I do have 2 egg dishes in the fridge and the muffins are in a zip lock bag. I had some tears while I did that. I wish I could be more happy about doing those things but the truth is I just miss Gail so much. I am at a point now that not too often do I break up in a crowd. It does happen but not so much as it did the first 1 1/2 months. BUT it is so hard to do some of the things that I did in the past when Gail was here. I caught myself saying that I needed to ask Gail how to do something tonight. I do believe that my heart will mostly heal and my spirit will come back most of the way but for now it just is so lonely. I dare not go to thoughts of some of the dreams we had. If life is much about dreams then we had a full full life but for now I dare not go there for a while. I think that stupid social security "death benefit" thing just threw me for a loop. How dare they call it a death benefit as there is no benefit in a loved one dying. I wish I had not applied for the stupid $255 thing but I did and it will come and I suppose this time will pass.
Well I need to put one of those dishes in the oven at 6 AM so I should get to bed. Perhaps this whole darn night is just partly tired. I did not sleep well last night and then I actually over slept for meeting John for breakfast.
Tonight I just am not happy and sometimes when that happens I just think it may feel good to delete the blog and forget about writing. At times when I read it back to myself I just say that it is so silly and stupid that it is senseless. I know that there are a few people who read it but times like this who cares, no I better quit. Sometimes sleep really helps so I will try that.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I sincerely hope you don't give up on the blog! I for one read it daily and there are more people than you know that do.
I read it because I want to know that you're okay. Lonesome, yes, in pain, yes, but you're dealing with it. You're getting out and doing things and spending time with people and family. I'm not going to call every day, you'd think me a pest! And besides maybe I wouldn't always say the right thing. I admire your honesty,courage, and openness in dealing with your great lose. People feel your pain but they also see a healing process going on. You'll always miss Gail but you're strong and you'll deal with it. The blog is good therapy for you and all those that loved Gail.
Much love to you and may God give you new strength on a daily basis.