Saturday, November 21, 2009
A bonus day
This picture was taken in 1983 in Myrtle Beach on the east coast. We went on a 5 week camping trip with Grandma and Grandpa Saunders. It was a grand time.
I got a bonus today. I had put the tiller away for the winter but John called and asked if I thought we could start it as he wanted to do their garden. We got it up and running so when he brought it back I tilled up some of the lawn on the east side of the driveway. I had wanted to do that and landscape it as in the spring we get a lake for a while before the frost goes out of the ground and I would like the water to drain towards the street. I had given up on the idea of getting anything done but as the day went on I actually got about 15 wheelbarrows of dirt out. Now I will have an easier job when spring comes. I know I still have some dirt to take out but of course now not as much. Working outside was OK but then when it got dark and I went into the empty house it was not so good. No dinner waiting, no urging Gail to quit work (on a day like today she would work until you could see nothing outside) and no discussion on what we should do with the rest of the evening.
I think my breakfast for the meeting this morning went well. I know it was not as good as Gail would have made it but everyone ate and said it was good!! It was so difficult to do that. I enjoyed it but again and again and again I will probably say that without Gail it just is so hollow and joyless at this time.
I am reassessing my idea that I need to be around people. I think that I still am not the greatest people person but most of my life right now is just Gailless and that is what is hard. I go through the motions of doing things and there even can be some laughs but I want and need Gail and that for sure is that human selfishness coming through. I am beginning to believe that the loneliness is not a lack of people, it is totally a lack of Gail. There must be millions of people in the world who live alone and enjoy it so certainly I can do that too. We were counting on at least 20 more years together, I think we got thrown a curve ball that we struck out on.