I heated some soup, sat down at the coffee table and did some reading while I ate dinner. When I finished I just sat back and stared at the mantel. I burst into tears and they just did not want to stop. I needed to get out so for the next hour or so I just walked up and down Niles Ave. I watched people through open windows, I met people out for a walk and I saw some working yet in the dark but mainly I kept asking myself why did I cry like that, why why why. I think God gave me the answer as I walked past a house that has several children. It came to me that at this point in my life without Gail I have no dreams. Gail and I dreamed a lot. We raised 4 children on a teacher's salary which tells anyone why we dreamed a lot and did not do so many things. Those dreams were so important. They fostered hope, they actually took us places we could not afford to go, they made for wonderful conversation and a whole lot more. As I looked in at that family it just came to me that my family is grown, Gail is gone and for the last 7+ weeks there have been no dreams which means no hope and no anticipation. Perhaps when death is so close one is not meant to dream but rather just to remember and cope. I must keep that in mind as time goes on because I want to dream again, I want to anticipate, I want to hope and I want to plan.
The things a person sees when you walk in the dark are pretty interesting. A lady down the street was almost running as she mowed her lawn in the dark. I am not sure if she had worked late or she waited until dark as she dumped the leaves on the street!!
I am not getting my packing done for hunting. My motivation is about a D- tonight but I need to get on the road early in the morning so best be doing what has to be done.
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