Wednesday, November 4, 2009

It just ain't the same

Today I was on the go a lot. Went to the store early this morning and then enjoyed having Travis over for breakfast until about 11:30. Did some running and then took care of Henry, Liam and Audrey for about 3 hours. It was fun but it just was not the same. Gail loved those kids so much and I realize she is in a much better place now BUT oh I wish she could see the grandchildren grow. All of them are so much advanced now then last June. Actually June was about the last month Gail could really enjoy the kids. I know I should be happy but I am sad. I just can not help it. I was on the brink of tears most of the evening. I will resist as much as I can from saying why God. I know his plan is perfect and his timing is not mine but today it makes me cry. God must have a special plan for Henry, Liam, Leo, Faustina, Audrey, Jude and ? as they will miss out on what Grandma could have given them so I am sure God has another plan that is grander. I know that in the short time Gail was able to be with the kids the last few years she loved them so much and for that they will be better but the time was so short. She often said she did not have a grandma and she wanted to be the best one she could be. I know tomorrow will bring more peace but it will not bring understanding and I guess I need to be OK with that.
I will go out with Jim C for breakfast tomorrow morning and then I need to finish packing for deer hunting. I am going to pray that I get a deer on Saturday as Jude will be baptised Sunday and it sure would be nice to be back for that as I also missed Faustina's baptism. Who knows I may get out in the field, dream about Gail and a whole parade of deer may walk by and laugh at me.
I am lonesome more so tonight than I have been in the last week. Knowing the Lord one can be sure that this will pass. I honestly do not know how anyone can lose a loved one and get through it without knowing and loving God. As the days go by my life alone becomes more real and I will have to grow into it as for now I would have to be honest and say it is difficult. I can often cover my wounded heart by "doing" but when I stop to rest or to collect my thoughts the wound festers and hurts.
When people ask me how I am doing I still say fine and that is true, I guess the journey that I am having to take will be measured in months, not days or minutes.

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