For Carmen--A new beginning--A new journey: It just ain't the same

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

It just ain't the same

Today I was on the go a lot. Went to the store early this morning and then enjoyed having Travis over for breakfast until about 11:30. Did some running and then took care of Henry, Liam and Audrey for about 3 hours. It was fun but it just was not the same. Gail loved those kids so much and I realize she is in a much better place now BUT oh I wish she could see the grandchildren grow. All of them are so much advanced now then last June. Actually June was about the last month Gail could really enjoy the kids. I know I should be happy but I am sad. I just can not help it. I was on the brink of tears most of the evening. I will resist as much as I can from saying why God. I know his plan is perfect and his timing is not mine but today it makes me cry. God must have a special plan for Henry, Liam, Leo, Faustina, Audrey, Jude and ? as they will miss out on what Grandma could have given them so I am sure God has another plan that is grander. I know that in the short time Gail was able to be with the kids the last few years she loved them so much and for that they will be better but the time was so short. She often said she did not have a grandma and she wanted to be the best one she could be. I know tomorrow will bring more peace but it will not bring understanding and I guess I need to be OK with that.
I will go out with Jim C for breakfast tomorrow morning and then I need to finish packing for deer hunting. I am going to pray that I get a deer on Saturday as Jude will be baptised Sunday and it sure would be nice to be back for that as I also missed Faustina's baptism. Who knows I may get out in the field, dream about Gail and a whole parade of deer may walk by and laugh at me.
I am lonesome more so tonight than I have been in the last week. Knowing the Lord one can be sure that this will pass. I honestly do not know how anyone can lose a loved one and get through it without knowing and loving God. As the days go by my life alone becomes more real and I will have to grow into it as for now I would have to be honest and say it is difficult. I can often cover my wounded heart by "doing" but when I stop to rest or to collect my thoughts the wound festers and hurts.
When people ask me how I am doing I still say fine and that is true, I guess the journey that I am having to take will be measured in months, not days or minutes.

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The first reading at Gail's funeral September 18, 2009

I know of no one who fit this better than Gail

Proverbs 31: 10-31
A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm.
all the days of her life.
She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.
She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
She gets up while it is still dark;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her servant girls.
She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
She sets about her work vigorously:
her arms are strong for her tasks.
She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her;
Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all."
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Give her the reward she has earned,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Well done good and faithful servant, your praise is much and your reward is to be with God forever.

Our Story

Our story begin in 1951, when Carmen was 4 and Gail was 5! We met as our parents were at a camera club. Fast forward--Carmen begin to attend grade school in town in 1957, the same school that Gail went to. Fast forward--We had our first date in the winter of 1964 in Gail's senior year of high school. Again--we were married June 1st of 1968. We moved to St. Paul in October of 1977 and lived at 2094 Niles Ave until Gail's death September 14 of 2009.
Gail first breast cancer was found in October of 2003. After surgery, chemo, radiation and infusions for a year she felt well and we lived life in our normal mode. Carmen retired in June of 2007 and shortly after that we quit doing the paper route as well. In the fall of 2007 we went on our dream vacation. We camped for 7 weeks in Prince Edward Island and Nova Scotia and in the New England states. Sleeping in our truck and eating over an open fire we felt that we had experienced heaven. Then in January of 2008 we spent 3 weeks in Hawaii with friends and again had so much fun. In the fall of 2008 we did much work on the outside of the house and we were so excited to enter 2009 with big plans and dreams. In January Gail was diagnosed with new cancer. For the next 7 1/2 months we prayed, changed our life style, laughed and cried often. As the end of Gail's life drew near she was peaceful and family cared for her at home until she met Jesus. It was a journey that was wonderful, exciting, blessed, full of life and full of love but of course it was too short. Gail is so missed but I know she is in a better place so my journey must continue on without my true love.
I enter a new decade as the "I" that I never wanted to be but I have hope. Hope of things not experienced and hope that life will again, in 2010, become something that I look forward to each morning. My hope is based on our Lord who gives all, who is all and who gives love to all who believe. I enter this new decade with so many questions and so few answers but with faith that all will be well.

For Carmen--A new beginning--A new journey

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

It just ain't the same

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The first reading at Gail's funeral September 18, 2009

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