Aren't we all super stars??

This picture was taken in Devils Lake ND in 1977 when John was 7, Travis 5 and Aaron 3.  The city put on a field day where kids did different things.  As you can see they all 3 came home as super stars and of course have remained that way ever since!!  Of course at the time we had no idea that we had future state champion soccer stars, great bike racers, super basketball players and all around wonderful kids in our family.  They certainly took after their mother big time, even with their handsome looks.
Yesterday was quiet again.  I did remove the Christmas things including the tree.  I think next year I will be able to keep it up longer, like Gail and I did.  I think I will be able to do a better job of trimming it also.  I think I will try to stay low key this month.  Maybe I will like it so much I will turn into that hermit with a pony tail and dirty bib overalls.  On the serious side I have decided that I will make at least one fancy crib to sell this year.  Carmen's Creative Carpentery will be up and running when it becomes a bit warmer.  I don't know how warm it will have to get but right now it is +3 and that is way way too cold to work in the garage.  I can turn the electric heater on but that warms it up just a bit and it raises the electrical bill a LOT.
I also will be doing small things around the house this winter.  Yesterday I went through a box.  I found the Christmas letter we sent out in 1973.  It was printed in a little book kind of thing that was about 2 inches wide and 4 inches long.  It had a page for each person and it was run off at school on the ditto machine which most people do not even remember.  Here are the words in the card of 1973.
The front was in red and green and said Joy Joy Joy
I hope I never again do see
A year as busy as 73
My fate was easily to be seen
Not even about to putt on a green
Summer came and with winter gone
I was driving cement truck and landscaping lawn
Piles, mounds and heaps of dirt
Kept the sweat soaking my shirt
You'd know better what I'm trying to say
If we'd had the pleasure of your visit to pay
The work was slow but progress was seen
We finally finished on Halloween
In school I'm getting an introduction
To individualized instruction
It's a federal project just started this year.
We hope to complete it without a tear

It's a big job keeping my four men happy
I'm always hopping to a tune real snappy
Whatever it is, I don't mind a bit
I'm queen of the house and that is it
Homemade buns and other goodies
Are one part of my household duties
When time permits I try to get in
A little sewing and even some knittin
I'm up to my neck in many a project
It won't be long and I'll be Carmen's reject
If I don't hurry to complete one soon
Oh well, maybe next June.

I'm the big brother
I'm John Allen Lee
I help Travis and Aaron
so good boys they'll be
I'm four years old now
And have quite a ball
On my black figure skates
I seldom do fall
I like conversation
and talk really fine
So stop by my house
And visit any time.

My name is Travis
And I just turned two
I'm growing up
And most things are new
Most of the time
I'm on the go
And many a day
I'm quite a show
I'm learning to talk
I can open the door
So I'm hoping to see you
In 74

I am the latest
And surely no toy
I'm Aaron Charles Lee
A big baby boy
On August the twelfth
I came to this world
Expected to be
A cute baby girl
I'm a very good baby
I smile and coo
I'm really no trouble
Come and see me too.

With all of the referring to come and visit it sounds like we never had company.

There you have our Merry Christmas 1973!!!  Have a good January 5, 2010!

This picture was taken January 3 as grandpa tried to give Teddy a big hug but Jude and Faustina got in the way!!!
Here I sit on Monday about 10:45 AM.  I am feeling sadness being alone but I also feel like there is a bit of fresh air, not the cold outside!  The temp as already climbed up to +1 today.  I have spent some time this morning looking back at the last 2 months.  To list some of the things: Audrey birthday, Cyn birthday, Travis birthday, Thanksgiving, John birthday, Christmas, Gail birthday, New Years, Saunders gathering.  Perhaps it should not have been the case but in reality those were heavy on my mind and heart as they came and went.  Walking through those family events, trying to put on a happy front and trying to be the dad and grandpa that I want and need to be--it was wearing.  But, those are now listed in my archives as history to be remembered but the desire to move on, to be in a new place in a new time is in my heart.  I feel that I can now look ahead.  Look at what I need to do, what I should focus on and perhaps, just perhaps, those darn tears will come less often, that aching heart may not be so painful, the memories that are so vivid maybe will have somewhat of a happy spirit to them.  I wish with all my being that 2009 was only a dream but it was not.  It was real, I walked through it, it changed my life and I think it is now time to move at least one step forward and maybe two.  If I can move forward like that maybe in a short time I will be walking into God's plan and purpose for me this year.  I think, I hope, I expect that 2010 will be very different, very alive and very interesting.  I hope and I plan not to focus on bad sleep, bad dreams, sad memories but instead to be postive, be focused on the good ahead.  I am so excited to be a new grandpa soon and to meet challenges and needs head on this year.  Come Lord in all your majestic love and grace to change me and make me more useful to building your kingdom here on earth.  Help me to take what Gail so lovingly gave me and make that into useable energy for you.

A full week in the past---we'll see

Most of you didn't know that Gail was the great hunter!!!
I am happy that the week is history.  Wow, too many firsts and too many emotions for me.  As I look back on Gail's birthday, on New Years Eve, New Years day and the Saunders family gathering I breath a sign of relief and look forward to a week with fewer "firsts". 
Not much to say today.  Cyn/Mike/Faustina and Jude hung out for several hours here which was fun.  We watched most of the Viking game and they didn't lay any eggs today, in fact they looked pretty good.
I did not get in a walk today and I was thinking of going on one yet but it is a bit late. 
My wireless went down today and I just spent an hour on the phone with a guy who was difficult to understand but we finally got it working again.  The joys of computers.
I forgot but Mike reminded me that school starts tomorrow again.  It does not seem like it should be starting yet.  I do remember that Christmas vacation was my favorite school vacation because during our Easter break I was always working on camp so Christmas was about the only vacation that I could really relax.
I have noticed a bit of a change in my sadness.  The wound that Gail's death left does not bleed everyday now.  It hurts so much and it is always there but some of the constant bleeding has stopped.  As I think about that I need to remind myself to be happy.  I actually looked in the mirror this morning and then I looked and looked again.  (I am not used to staring at myself!).  As I stared I said to myself that I think I have aged much in the last year.  I would not say that in a bad way but yes, time, hurts, sorrows and grief tend to weather the face and show on the body.  I guess that means that I will have to try a bit more to be joyful, postive and then I will try to act a young 62.  I think most people know that I am not into fashion, looking really nice for others but I do want to remain as young as possible for the kids and the grandkids.  I think they are so special that they all deserve the youngest dad and grandpa possible.  Do you think it would help to get a sports car???
I am going to watch a bit of the football game and then get my beauty sleep at a good time tonight.

Here is Gail and her dad.  Looks like Gail has some kind of project in mind.
It was one of those days I will try to forget.  I felt that I failed at most of what I did.  I went to the party that Al/Deb were so nice to host and I just could not get into much there.  I held myself together for about 3 hours but then I just could not keep a happy face.  I came home and just needed to be alone for some time.  For me at this time the gathering was so so empty without Gail.  There was joy with many little kids around etc. but I felt that I just fell flat on my face.  Each time that happens I hope and pray that it will be the last---maybe this time.  Gail has been on my mind all day and I just am so lonesome but I am sure this too will pass. 
It remained cold all day.  The high may have been 0 or so.  I walked about a mile to the library this morning and when I returned home at 10:30 it was still -5. 
With New Years I am all mixed up with my days.  Must remember that tomorrow is Sunday.  With that in mind I will probably put off putting Christmas stuff away until Monday.  I have nothing planned tomorrow and I think I will keep it that way.  Maybe I need a nothing day to help me gather my thoughts, reflect a bit and then maybe I can move on some. 
I don't have much to get ready for but I will be out of town Friday, Sat and Sunday.  This tells my age but being on the road for about 400 miles each way I do hope the temps improve a bit. 
It feels kind of funny to not have any celebrations for a couple of months now.  In November and December there are holidays and many birthdays but there is now a break but of course that baby should come in 2-4 weeks so that will be exciting.  That will be the first grandchild that Gail will not have known at all.  She certainly knew Audrey and Faustina but not the way they are now.  I will probably say this hundreds of times but each time I see the kids I have to think of how Gail would have loved to see them grow and they would have benefited so much but God must have something else in mind.  With 4 boys and 3 girls things will be almost even.  I will have to memorize those birthdates etc.  I have the 6 down but as I get older and more come I am not sure.  Maybe I will have to use a cheat sheet!!
I had better not forget as I promised to meet Dave O at seven so I best be going soon.  When I get home it will be a hot tub and then to bed.

January 2

Here is Gail in Oakland CA on her second birthday.
We are now into 2010 and I have found that I have new ways to see if my day is starting out well.  Some of those ways are:

• Are the dishes washed??
• Is there clean underwear in my dresser??
• Is the floor vaccumed??
• Is the dog poop picked up??
• Are the clothes washed??

Isn't it funny how things change.  A year ago some of those things would have read:

• Did we go for a walk??
• Will we do anything together??
• Do we need to do anything around the house??
• Do I need to get anything for Gail

As you noticed last year everything was centered around "we" and today things are centered around things.
I do need to wash some dishes and then cut up some veggies that I will bring to Al/Debs.  I will meet David O this evening for a beer after the party.  We will meet at the Dubliner which I have never been to. 
I called grandma S yesterday but she is feeling under the weather and could hardly talk.  I could not understand her so will try to call her in a few days. 
I think that tomorrow most of the Christmas things will be packed up and put away.  Gail and I always left them up for most of January but this year I am ready to move on into the new year and leave Christmas to the memories. 
As I sit here this morning the outside temp reads -13.5.  A bit chilly I would say.  I do want to go for a walk before I leave for the party but I will see.  I know that Gail would be ready to bundle up and take off......   I may put on my poly underwear after dishes and pretend Gail is at my side as I walk up to the village and back. 
I am unbelievable as I can make a mess in the house faster than anybody in the world I think.  I wonder if there is a way to record that on any kind of record?  It seems that for every project I try to undertake there is at least equal time in clean up.  I finished my calendar yesterday and now I have paper, pictures, cutters, frames and you name it and it is laying around the house.  Maybe I can pick up some things before I leave.
Before I sign off I could mention that I miss Gail but I think I say that everyday and by now the whole world probably knows it.  Nothing new there I guess.  Actually the whole world does not know it.  I have found that I have so so much support, so much love is given to me but in the end losing a loved one is much about a person going through sadness and loneliness alone.  I don't mean alone in the sense of physical but I mean that in one's heart.  I have come to really appreciate the "heart connection" that two people establish and feed off of in the couple relationship.  It has to be something that a person experiences to understand.

A quiet and peaceful day

It has been a quiet and peaceful day.  I took a walk, I did not drive any place, I did not spend any money and I did much thinking.  I am thankful I could start the new year in this fashion.

Travis came over for a time and that was really nice.  He did some more work on the snow fort in front.

Some of the things I took to heart from people who have passed on are:

1. Brother Ronald--he had a great zeal for life, I could be better at that
2. Sister Janet--she was such a domestic homemaker and care giver of her family,  I could love my family more
3. My grandma and grandma--I loved to visit them and spend time with them,  I hope my grandchildren do the same 
4. Charlie--he loved the Word and preached it, I could be a better witness for Christ.
5. Mark Kohler--He was so honest,  I could improve on that
6. Grandpa Saunders--He was so loyal to family and his farm, I could do better in that area
7. Deanne--She was so happy, so bubbly,  I could be happier towards people and smile more.
8. Gail--I can not say enough about Gail and I have said so much and will say more in the future so will not say much here except I will try to be more selfless in my love and service.

The first day of the new year has brought a kind of dullness to realities in my life.  Perhaps it is a sign I can move forward a bit, I do not know.  It has been close to 1/3 of a year now which seems impossible but it is true.  I think it is time for me to put more time and effort into who I am and what should I do.  I can now put Christmas and Gail's birthday behind me.  I now want to concentrate on being a better person and moving on with my life.  I miss Gail so much but I do know it will take more time for that to heal more but I do feel that it is now time to try and be more positive, more forward looking and try to move on a bit.  I do not understand why 2009 brought all the things it did but questioning it does nothing for me so in my thoughts and in my writing I will try my best to be postive and upbuilding.
I think I need to write more about life, about dreams, about purpose and about doing God's will in my life.  I hope I can be successful with serving our Lord.
I am looking forward to Al/Deb party tomorrow.  I don't think I will play games but I it will be good to see people and visit.

A new day, a new year, a new decade, a new life!

Please forgive the way these pictures are.  I can not figure out how to put them in a good way.  I am starting the New Year with a quiet at home time and spending much time thinking about Gail and other family loved ones that have gone on to their heavenly Father.  As I think about each one I remember things about them and then try to put down how I can be a better person because of who they were.  I am not sure if this is a recommended way to start a new year but for me so far it has been very good.  It also helps me put losing Gail in a better perspective.  As I think and pray it is easier for me to be realistic about life, how short it is and how family is so important, certainly more important than success, money, fame and any other worldly things one tends to strive after some times.  Mark and Mary lost little Scott about in 1982 or so but I could not find a picture of Scott.  I will let people figure out who is in these pictures but some clues:

1. Grandpa Saunders was in the Coast Guard in WWII
2. Mark Kohler often smiled and he was our neighbor
3. In the picture of my grandma and grandpa my grandpa has on bib overalls.
4. Deeanne has on a pretty dress
5. My brother Ronald and sister Janet died in the 60's and the pictures look like the 50's or 60's.
6. My brother-in-law Charlie Hunt went for a walk with us.
7. I actually found a picture of my parents where dad was smiling-unusual
8. Of course you know our Gail as here she is hugging her one and only daughter.

Cynthia, Mike, Travis and I (along with Jude and Faustina) had a nice quiet New Years Eve.   For the first time in my life I purchased lobster and it was very very very delicious.  I may be able to do that once a year as it is oh my so expensive but it was a real treat.  I felt a bit guilty as Gail and I never did that but I am sure Gail is OK with that. 
I do not know if I am excited about the new year or not.  When a person goes through difficiult times it almost can make you gun shy to think about what may be coming the next year.  I know that is not a good way to think but there is a bit of that there.  I know that there are several house projects that are "musts" like new electrical service, painting the garage and working on storms and screens.  This may sound really funny and it may tell my age but I have always dreamed about driving and camping alone route 66!!!  I think it is from Chicage to LA.  Now that may never come to pass but........   I also would like to travel to Havre Montana to visit an old friend Larry.  Of course we will start working on Servant Camp soon and that will be Aug 8-13 so mark it on your schedule to come, enjoy, have fun and met our Jesus in a upclose personal way.
We start out the new decade on a cold note.  The high is supposed to be 9 today but at least it is not way below zero. 
Enough words, I have not had my first 2010 breakfast so will go eat a bit.