Monday, January 4, 2010
Here I sit on Monday about 10:45 AM. I am feeling sadness being alone but I also feel like there is a bit of fresh air, not the cold outside! The temp as already climbed up to +1 today. I have spent some time this morning looking back at the last 2 months. To list some of the things: Audrey birthday, Cyn birthday, Travis birthday, Thanksgiving, John birthday, Christmas, Gail birthday, New Years, Saunders gathering. Perhaps it should not have been the case but in reality those were heavy on my mind and heart as they came and went. Walking through those family events, trying to put on a happy front and trying to be the dad and grandpa that I want and need to be--it was wearing. But, those are now listed in my archives as history to be remembered but the desire to move on, to be in a new place in a new time is in my heart. I feel that I can now look ahead. Look at what I need to do, what I should focus on and perhaps, just perhaps, those darn tears will come less often, that aching heart may not be so painful, the memories that are so vivid maybe will have somewhat of a happy spirit to them. I wish with all my being that 2009 was only a dream but it was not. It was real, I walked through it, it changed my life and I think it is now time to move at least one step forward and maybe two. If I can move forward like that maybe in a short time I will be walking into God's plan and purpose for me this year. I think, I hope, I expect that 2010 will be very different, very alive and very interesting. I hope and I plan not to focus on bad sleep, bad dreams, sad memories but instead to be postive, be focused on the good ahead. I am so excited to be a new grandpa soon and to meet challenges and needs head on this year. Come Lord in all your majestic love and grace to change me and make me more useful to building your kingdom here on earth. Help me to take what Gail so lovingly gave me and make that into useable energy for you.