I went to Leonard Kadera's funeral this morning. He would have been 97 in May. I think he had 105 grandchildren, great grandchildren and maybe great great, that I do not know. The funeral was difficult. I thought that may happen and I told myself to be sure to bring tissue but of course I forgot! Mary Lynn Gaffney was kind enough to give me some. That is about par for the course, here I am trying to live the single life and I still need women in my life. For those who do not know Mary Lynn she is happily married to Brian and I only needed her for the tissue!!
I was able to get a few more things rounded up for the recycling today. Another bag of clothes and several bags of papers. Sometimes it is difficult to know what to keep and what to throw. Often it makes me sad as I know I am throwing things Gail treasured and had some project in mind. But I do know that I would never use those things and nobody else would either. So God had something in mind that neither Gail nor I knew about and I still do not.
I just could not contain those pesky tears during the funeral. Some come from sadness but most actually come from loneliness. I think that now, 4 months after Gail's death, I am beyond some sadness as I can tell myself she is in a better place but that does not take the lloonniinneessss away. Mary Lynn was lucky that I did not take her hand and squeeze it out of habit during the funeral! At times like that it sure is tempting to ask why but as I have said before that is a road without a destination. I could not help thinking during the funeral about Gail's and my dreams about living into old age together. Now I do wonder what living into old age will be like as a single man who needs to get his act together. I thought about health care. This is a bit stupid but I am due for that test where they put a scope up your you know what!! They will not let you drive home after so you have to come with someone. I am sure I can find someone to do that but I thought what would happen if I put an ad in the paper asking for a driver home after the scope test!!!!! Of course I would not do that but just the thought puts a little life into one's being, life that for now is begging for some joy. Now I am not saying that ad would bring joy in fact it may bring things one would not want in their life.
I am looking forward to warmer weather. I plan to get out in the garage and get some order and then look at some projects. I have not done anything, including ordering, since Gail's cancer came back almost a year ago. My saw, drill press, jointer, planer, router and all the rest of my friends out there are lonesome.
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