A day of work

It was again a day of wonderful weather for the fall.  I was able to get much work done outside.  In the morning I got a load of clothes hung on the line, I was able to move all of my firewood, got somethings cleaned up in the garage and some things picked up in the yard.  It was kind of fun.
I also was able to get in a short bike ride.  The 8 1/2 miles was short and a little chilly.  I was so happy as my shoulder did not bother me much so maybe that is getting better.  I sure hope so as I just hate pain. 
As I write this the time shows 8:00 and really that should be just the beginning of the evening but for some reason I am tired so will try to get to sleep early.

A first for the fall

When I woke this morning the temp was 25 and there was frost all over.  The first of the fall and here we are almost into November.  Wallace's water dish was frozen so I know that we are closing in on our winter season.
I did get out for a short run this morning.  My hands actually got cold and I was only out for 25 minutes. Have not been on my bike for some time and don't really know when or if that will happen.  It certainly will not happen if we have more mornings of 25 or lower.
I had a fun evening yesterday.  I came home from doing some errands about 6:30 with the idea that I would not do any more for the day.  A friend called to say that some friends were going to a play in Burnsville and one person did not show up.  I said I would take the ticket and it was a fun time.  I may have to do more of that to get a little cultured!!
There really has not been a whole lot happening in the last week or so.  I had wanted to and thought about driving to South Bend this weekend but then the thought of a short trip and over a thousand miles of driving just did not sound very good.  I plan to go visit sometime after Thanksgiving and maybe around John's birthday. 
I am looking forward to deer hunting next weekend.  I may be out of town for a few days as I need to go at least a day early to finish the deer stand and then it would be nice to stay until I could shoot a deer.  Of course that could be until Christmas or so!   No the season is only 10 days but for sure I will not stay that long. 
Monday will be Cynthia's birthday.  My or my it just does not seem possible that she can be 30 already.  Many many people know the story of her birth but will share it in detail on Monday.  I do think that the day Cynthia was born was close to the happiest day of Gail's life and it may have been THE happiest day.  God was so real, so loving and so close to us November 1, 1980 that I almost get goose bumps yet when I think of it.
I did make a trip to the dr today as my shoulder from the bike fall still bothers me a lot.  The X-rays showed that there is nothing broken or fractured but it still is very sore.  The dr said that I should give it another 3-5 weeks and if it still is very sore they could do an MRI.  I am not sure what good that would do but will see what happens.  I am almost beginning to think that the shoulder is fine and I just can not tolerate pain of any kind. 
Time to watch the news and then maybe try to get to bed early.

Alone and empty

OK so again it was one of those days that come and go and you want never to come again.  It was the kind of day that shows me again and again how weak I am and maybe how empty I am. 
It started out with a 7 AM men's meeting which was good but for some reason I kept having thoughts during the meeting of how OUR (Gail's and mine) life had been in People of Praise for so long and now of course it is no more.  From there I went to a memorial service for Mary S who Gail knew.  Mary died of breast cancer this week.  Those functions are difficult and when I knew them quit well and breast cancer was involved it is more difficult.  After a 90 minutes service and lunch after that I stopped at the Krauses to see how I could help John.  His wife Jeanette has cancer.  On my way home from there I stopped at Cynthia/Mikes but they had company so I did not go in.  After working on some wood thing for John I returned to work with him.  Later in the evening I decided I needed a Jude and Faustina fix but as I stopped in front of their place it looked like they had people over for the evening so I got in the car and drove home.  As I sat at home thinking of the day I just could not avoid feeling sad and lonely.  Having spent time thinking about Mary this morning, working with John whose wife is very very ill and then having memories flood my mind of time gone by when our family was younger, kids were at home, company came over and the whole world just seemed so much happier, so much more peaceful.  Of course I know that much of that is not true.  I know that Mary's husband Ken will grieve much but he will be OK, I know that John still has time to love and cherish Jeanette, I know that Cynthia and Mike were and are still having a great time with friends.  Even with all of that and God's love and glory in it all I just could not help feeling lonely, sad and empty.  So goes another day and I am sure as I go to church tomorrow and experience God's presence in a special way things will look up and joy will be there again.  Often I wish I could avoid these times but I know I can not.  I do believe there is good in them it just is difficult to see at times.  I am thankful they don't come too often and when they do come it seems I can cope much better now than in the past. 
I think I may take an early "out" for the evening and get some sleep.

The Last??????

I went on the Greenway bike path for the first time today.  The weather was great except it was very windy.  I went as far as St. Louis Park and then decided that I could not answer a question.  I could not figure out if the bike seat was breaking my butt or my butt was breaking in the seat!!  With that unanswered question I turned around and headed home.  With the wind making the work a bit harder my shoulder could feel the work out.  All in all it was a good ride but a bit sad as well when I felt that it may well be the last outdoor ride of the year.  We may luck out with some warm weather yet but when the temp does not get above 60 the rides are cool to say the least.  Tomorrow's normal high is 54 so we are closing in on the last for us fair weather riders.  Arrived home and after a hot bath sat on some ice for a while.  Did it help, I am not sure.
Aaron sent touch up paint for the bike and a computer and will put that on tomorrow.  I do not know if I can do this but I think I have ridden about 40 miles on the bike so far and it would be ice to set the computer on 40 miles.  Travis said he expects me to put on 10's of thousands of miles so I should start at the right place.
I did forget about the work today for the sake of the ride.  Well it is not accurate to say I forgot about it, I would be much more honest to say I just did no work today.  I did figure the work can wait and the ride may not happen again for a long time so it was perfectly reasonable to ride and not work!!
As I sat alone tonight watching the baseball playoffs I did think that the house was unusually big, empty, quiet and as I looked around for sure kind of dusty too.  I am sure I had a puzzled look on my face as I tried to figure out how one person can make so many messes, have so much dust and make the house so so so lived in!  I then comforted myself by reminding me that I have actually made my bed daily for at least a week now.  I think that is pretty great!
No after a windy ride it seems to be bed time.

Hanging In There

This is a flower I saw on my walk with Wallace yesterday.  I marveled that it was October 21 and still we have such beautiful flowers that have not fallen victim to our MN fall temps. 
Our fall weather just goes on and on and on and it is such a blessing.  Again today, Friday, our temps should hit in the 60's.  I need to work but I think I HAVE to get in a bike ride.  It may be the last of the fall. 
I got more bags of leaves raked up today and they will go on the flowers when it gets colder. 
Not a lot to say.  Deer season is creeping up and with it the thought of field sunrises, fall beauty, maybe deer running around and for sure those sandwiches and candy bars that I enjoy while hunting.  Sometimes I think the sunrises, the sun sets, the candy bars, the sandwiches are a lot more important than the deer.  For sure I must get that deer stand more sturdy so I can climb up into it with my gun and my camera.
I think and I feel like it is bed time. 

Happy Anniversary---4 times over!!!!!!

Here are Cynthia/Mike almost a year after they were married.  At this time there were no children, both were teaching at Trinity and life was great.  Today they so enjoy Faustina and Jude, Cynthia is a stay at home mother and Mike is at a different job.  Life changes so rapidly yet today they look as young, as happy and as great as they did 3 years ago. 
I so remember 4 years ago today, the wedding at the Cathedral, the reception at the MN arboretum and all of the family and friends who were in town to celebrate our little girl's wedding.  Gail was so excited to see her miracle and one and only daughter getting married and maybe, just maybe there would be the little girl arriving in the form of a granddaughter that Gail could rejoice in the same manner that she rejoiced when God blessed her with a daughter.  I remember that I was stunned at the beauty that I saw when I walked Cynthia down the isle.  The happiness and the sadness all melted into one big emotion as I tried to stroll so proudly with Cynthia at my side.  As I approached the front of the church where Mike was waiting I could see out of the corner of my eye joy and tears in Gail's eyes as she watched her one and only daughter go from being mommy and daddy's little girl into the strong sure arms of this handsome man who Cynthia would promise to cherish and love for the rest of her life.  It was a day of memories, of joy, of tears that was shared with so many many family and friends.  Of course I am not the one to say but will say it anyway that the wedding and reception was one of a kind that would be impossible to duplicate.  So today I sit here and with tears and sadness I rejoice without Gail but with the memories that God blessed us and Gail with that special daughter. 
Cynthia and Mike---you are a great couple and your love of each other and of God is something that is for many others to want.  I love you so much and mother is so proud of you and your family.  Of course I too am proud of both of you but I want to remind you today that mother was so proud of the young lady that you grew to be.

Not yet completed

Well it is not finished yet.  I did not foresee the tall, slender and heavy stand well and I know it is a bit top heavy.  I may have to shoot a really big deer early on opening day and then just lay it over one of the braces to weigh it down.  NO        What you see away from the tractor is the ladder up and the platform will go on the 4 boards 3 feet from the top.  then 4X4 sheets of 1/4 " plywood will go around the top with 2X4's around the top to make it more sturdy and to lean on and shot that big buck.  BUT before I venture on top there needs to be an X brace on two of the sides to make it more stable and then 4 more braces going out from the sides and staked to the ground.  I will do that, which will take about 2-3 hr the day before hunting.  Should be interesting to sit or stand that high above the ground.  If nothing else I will be sure to take my camera to see if I can get some great pictures of the sunrise, sunset or maybe of the BIG buck that I missed!!!!
Got some more biking in this weekend and have decided that I need to read about the seat on my bike.  I ended up with a sore behind and I kept sitting too far forward on the seat, I think.  I will have to see.  I did not fall off any more so that was good!!  I did find out in a big way that I really really like the bike. 
Also got some more time to sit, reflect, think and pray about the future.  Sometimes I think I make life way to complicated. 
I arrived home this afternoon.  Went to get Wallace right away and he was so glad to see me.  He has gotten more affectnate as he has gotten older and now when I leave him outside for a long period of time if I am not home he digs out under the fence and lays in the front yard waiting for me to return!  Not sure that is good.
I think my agenda for the night is a hot bath, turn the TV on and fall asleep watching Monday night football.  If If I go to bed early I know I will lay awake but the TV tends to put me to sleep fairly fast.  Am I getting old, strange or just weird?  I know, that last sentence is an invite for some smart comment from sister Helen.

A learning curve----YES

I did find out that the new bike and the new shoes do have a learning curve!!!  Later
Dale/Deb Binde were so good in helping me with the deer stand yesterday.  I just had not thought through the stand enough to realize that something made of  4X4's and 2X6's is so heavy and then to have it only a bit more than 4 feet at the base and 16 feet tall---well it was a challenge to say the least.  It took Deb, Dale, me and his trusty tractor and loader to get it in the air on a very windy day.  It now stands in the north grassy area  of their farm but I will need to go up a day early for hunting to put on more braces and more stakes.  As it stands now I would not want to climb up and use it.  It was fun to design, fun to build and fun to put up but there were some weak areas in all of my plans.  Anyway I do plan to use it and we will see if it helps to get a deer.  I suggested Dale make the bottom into a pen and put some salt in it but we decided not a good idea.
I arrived at Itasca State Park in the afternoon. It was a nice day but for sure a bit cool.  By the time I figured out my shoes and how to get them on my feet but the shoes in the bike pedals too there was not much time left to ride but it was fun.  Today I will spend doing some writing, some thinking and maybe some biking and then tomorrow on the way home perhaps more biking.  It will take some time to get used to the bike as it rides so so different than my other one. 
If you happen to be reading this today, Sunday, you have figured out that I decided to forgo the camping bit and get a hotel room.  I maybe am getting soft in my mature age but the thought of warmth, of a bed and of a place to write with the computer just seemed so more inviting than sleeping in the back of the pickup.
No, it does look like a nice day so maybe just one more cup of coffee and then outside for a bit.

Short

I spent most of yesterday building a deer stand.  I should be able to put it up or take it down in about an hour.  It was fun but now I will need to see if it works!!  Maybe I should have built a cage on the bottom of it to catch the deer.  That way I could take a nap if the day gets too long.  I will be on the road shortly and hope I can stay awake.  Hope to get to the Binde's by 9 or so. 
Will not plan to blog for a few days as I will not come home until Monday.

An exciting and tiring day

I drove to Madison today and Aaron turned over my new bike to me.  We had the frame custom fit for me and Aaron ordered all the parts.  Then he and his buddy Josh built it over the last two days.  I am so excited to try it out.  I do need to be careful as I also purchased biking shoes which attach to the pedals.  I have never ridden with those and Aaron says there is a learning curve!!  Last time someone told me there was a learning curve I found out the hard way so will see this time.  I am hoping the curve doesn't lead me right into the ditch or down a steep hill where an old body like mine could get hurt. 
My shoulder would be much better now but little sister Helen has no mercy and I am sure that is the reason it is not much better.  That should make her feel a little badly!!!  No, I am thinking I may not do the deer stand this weekend as the shoulder just does not want to do a whole lot.  I will see tomorrow.  I may must take off with my bike and try to do a bit of biking (limited at best) and then try to do some more thinking and writing like I did last spring.  I think I need to make a decision tomorrow!!!

A remembance of the summer

The rose bushes are a thing of the past for now but we still can enjoy them through these pictures.  This rose bush was full of roses all summer and was so pretty.
I am having one of those days that one likes to forget.  Went on a 2 mile run this morning and then decided to take a very short bike ride.  As I turned into Cynthia's driveway I turned too sharp and me and the sidewalk meet up close and personal.  Of course as one would expect I lost and the sidewalk was none the worse for the encounter.  I came away with a bloody knee and a very sore shoulder.  It got to the point this afternoon that I was a bit concerned so went into EC (ergent care) and they confirmed what I thought, a bad bruise but nothing broken.  However it did make my day almost unless in terms of work.  I was thankful for Cynthia who drove me to EC and then brought along dinner for me to eat while I waited to see the dr.  As she waited she was able to access the internet on my new fancy phone and show a lady there one of her knitting projects.  I would say that for sure now I am justified in getting the new phone!!!! :)
So I sit here tonight with ice on my shoulder, missing men's group and for some reason the house seems extra big, extra dark, extra empty at this time.  I hate to admit it but as I sit here there is not a stream of tears but a little trickle of salty water running down my cheek, onto my chin and dripping on the TV tray that my computer sits on.  As I glance at that little puddle of water it reminds me that there are times of joy, times of despair, times of gain, times of loss but always a time to thank our God for his goodness.  For his love and goodness overcome much pain, much despair, much disappointment and much sadness.
I am thinking that if my shoulder is good enough tomorrow I will drive to Madison to pick up my bike and drive home.  On Friday I may go up to the Bindes in the afternoon and take material for the deer stand.  Then On Saturday and Sunday I will take time away to reflect.  I did that in the spring and it was good.  I will bring my thermorest, sleeping bag and covers in case I decide it is warm enough to sleep in the back of the pickup.  If not I will bit the bullet and find a place where I can be alone a bit.  I actually have thoughts about if I will be able to work on the deer stand as this shoulder is pretty sore.  The dr did say tomorrow will be the worst and then it should get better.  I suppose I could look on the bright side and say that I am now a "real" biker with road rash on my knee and a sore body!!  Travis suggested this morning, jokingly, that I better get myself a spandex outfit and shave my legs.  Well we will not go that far---the spandex maybe after I lose 10 more pounds. 
Time for some more ice on that shoulder.

Fall colors have arrived in full!

Fall colors are here.  In fact in some places the leaves are already covering the ground.  One must say colors because the fall temps certainly have not come yet.  As I write it is 68 and we have yet to experience a killing frost. 
Today has been just like the last many days.  It is calm, warm, sunny and perfect for anything you might want to do outdoors. 
I got an e-mail from Aaron and the bike is almost ready.  The frame came and Aaron said the only problem is Amy likes it and wants it.  Aaron and his friend will work on building it tonight and Aaron said it may be finished tonight.  I was/am planning to go up to the Binde's to build a deer stand but will have to rething those plans.  As of now I am not sure what I want to do.  So many decisions and so little time to decide!!!!!  It certainly would be nice to get some rides in before the cooler temps arrive which I do not know when that will happen.  I am getting a little nervous as that bike becomes a reality I am thinking I may have to cave into the biking culture pressure and purchase some of those spandex kind of biking pants.  Some of them look so tight that I think you could see a tiny pimple in the wrong place!!  Kind of on the serious note I will look out of place on that fancy new bike wearing clothes that look like they came from Goodwill.  On the other hand I can not really remember the last time I was concerned about what others thought of my clothes.  Now if I was trim, fit and chiseled like a young man and those spandex would attract some pretty lady that may be a different story!  But of course I am not fit, I am not trim, I am not chiseled (if you want to get real honest I am not young either) and there is no doubt that there will be no pretty ladies looking in my direction.  I guess it is what it is and maybe I should start to live in the real world.
I have a camp meeting tonight.  We will enjoy each other, eat out and sadly say good bye to Molly as a program director.  That will mean that we lost Gail last year and now Molly is too busy with her work so will lose her as well.  I am sure we need to add someone even though we received much help from many people last year.  With that in mind it still is a good idea to have at least 1 more program director as we need many ideas. 
I accomplished so much yesterday but not much today.  I did enjoy a nice lunch with Lizzia who used to live next door to us and is such a good family friend.  She and Gail were so dear to each other. 
I should try to get some things done before dark.

It worked

For the first time in many many tries I was able to down load a picture just like the good old days.  That is great.
I think this may be the longest I have gone without blogging for a time or maybe since I started.  It helps that I can now down load pictures again.  I do not know why it would not work in the past.
This is a picture taken at the Gopher football game over 2 weeks ago when Travis and I went.  The new stadium is really nice,  the team is just not fun to watch.  The highlight of the game was the pre-game and the half time show.
I have been biking a bit, not enough but some.  I have also begun to run a little.  I do not know if I will keep that up but I did purchase some running shoes and will give it a try.  I did a 2.2 mile run/walk this morning and it was pretty slow.  I am sure I can improve on it but will see. I do continue to lose some weight.  I now am down to the weight I was at in the mid 80's.  I have been at a stand still for about a week now but it seems to go in spurts so maybe I can head down a bit more soon.  It is fun to be at a better weight.
I am hoping to get away for a few days later this week.  Have not made any final plans as I want to wait and see what the weather is like.  I am trying to get some work done around the house and the yard.  Today I did get some flowers cleaned up, the tomatoes taken care of, some leaves bagged and then I ran some errands to return some things which I am awful at.  I sometimes leave those darn returns until it is too late and then what is one to do.
It is Audrey's birthday Wednesday.  I toyed with the idea of driving down but I know John is so so busy and to drive 500+ miles one way right now just was not in the cards.  I sure am lonesome for the family and miss them so much.  I know that I will see how fast they grow when I see them again.  I did go down in August but now that is almost 2 months ago.  Time does go so so fast.
I have been thinking much lately.  That is one of the reasons I would like to get away for a few days.  Last spring I went by myself for a long weekend and it was good.  I am not sure I would do the same kind of thing but some how getting away, thinking, praying and just being seems to be very very good once in a while. 
The past few days I have begun to do maybe round 3 of sorting, recycling, throwing etc.  I think I must have put those darn emotions on ice last winter as I do not remember being too emotional as I did so many things but this time around it is not as often but still sad and teary.
Aaron may have gotten my bike frame today.  Waterford said it may be finished today.  He has all the components so when the frame is finished it will not take too long to build it and then get it!!!  I can not believe that I am so excited over a bike.  Way way back on the farm we had a little bike and a big bike and that was it.  I am sure they were 1 speeds but they seemed to work fine.  I remember it being so fun when I could ride up to the lake and back and never use my hands.  The little joys of growing up.  In the last many weeks I have been thinking a lot of growing up.  It seems that it may be a good idea to put some of the stories down for history now when I can remember and I think the memory is still pretty good!!
One story that I think of often especially now as the cold weather seems just around the corner.  We did not have a furnace in our house but it was heated by a kerosene burner in the living room.  For much of the time Dad did not have a tank by the house but rather we got the fuel in 55 gallon drums and they were in the old run down granary.  Well every day Dave or I had to go outside, pump kerosene into a 5 gallon can and then carry it into the house and pour it into the back of the stove.  As I think about it now the house must have had a very strong oder of kerosene as I am sure we must have spilled sometimes.  I can not remember if the stove ever ran out before we filled it up but I do know it was not one of my favorite jobs.  And then for all of our work in keeping the stove full Dad never did put a register in the ceiling so there was NO heat upstairs.  The cold cold bedroom will be another story at another day.
The Vikings are on Monday night TV so will have the TV on and while I do some things will watch it from time to time.  I have not gotten into the Vikings much so far this year.  I guess for that matter was not into the Twins in a big way either.  It may be getting older or it may be losing Gail but some how those sports events have lost much of their appeal as I would rather do other things. 
Enough for now.

Good Morning

Here is a howdy bunch of bails from Prince Edward Island. I think I challenged Dale B to come up with something better last year but he declined!!!

I continue to have problems with my internet.  I go wireless but some how it is not working.  I am now plugged in!!

It looks like another wonderful day.  I have several things planned for the day.  Need to run around a bit to get some errands completed and then work in the garage.  This evening will be taken up with a wake of a friend who passed away Monday.  Each time I attend a wake or a funeral the emotions come out for a period of time but also with each passing month and event they become less and less difficult to deal with.  Here I am almost 13 months after Gail's death and the emotions are so much better but yet still at times they are raw, on the surface and very real. 

This will be short as I will get some things done today before I head to Prescott for the evening.

A Time of Grace

Once again I am frustrated with adding a photo.  I may have to get Mike A over here to see if I am doing something wrong.
It was an uneventful weekend.  It was great to have family over this morning for breakfast.  We have not done much of that since we lost Gail and for sure not since John/Mary moved.  It is so so different now.  Not bad, not sad just so different.  But as I have said so often life marches on and changes each day.  One can adapt and move on or one can stay in neutral and feel badly. 
I took a rose to Gail's grave site a few days ago and then I brought one in this weekend and I would say they are finished for the season.  So many beautiful and frangant roses have come out of the back yard this year.  I am sad to see the end come but so pleased that I and so many others were able to enjoy them. 
We had our first frost last night.  Not a deep one but for sure a frost.  I could see my foot prints in the lawn as I walked to the car this morning. 
This may be a sign of middle age-----but I am looking forward to tomorrow morning when there will be no alarm to signal the end of my sleep.  I tend to not sleep late but too I have begun to look forward to some mornings where I may be able to turn over and catch some additional zzzs for a while. 
Enough as I did take something to get me to sleep so best try to get down for the night.
I hope and pray that this first full week of October will be filled with wonder, awe, work and excitement for all.

Still having trouble

I am still having difficulties downloading pictures on the blog as they changed some things.  I was able to download this, one of my very favorite pictures.  It was taken in Prince Edward Island and I noticed this bike as Gail and I were walking along.  For some reason it gives me a sense of real life and what it should be all about.
I have found it difficult to blog in the last few weeks.  I am not sure why.  I have been busy.  I have built steps to the garage from the deck, have fixed the back door and have almost ALL of the storm windows on with CLEAN windows.  The last time the windows were washed was the spring of 2008 so it has been a long long time.  I finished in parts of two days and the job was not bad.  In fact I kind of got into it and felt like I can do this and it could almost be fun.  You will notice I said almost.
Most or all now know that I am embarking on year two of life without Gail.  I have thought a lot about what I have gone through and what I have learned over these last many months.  Here are some thoughts.

• I now know myself much better than I ever did in the past.
• I have found that to my big surprise I love to be with people.  At one time I thought I could be a good hermit who would play father and grandpa while working in my wood shop but I have found that to be alone too much is very empty.
• I have found that grieving is a life changing process.
• There is no turning the clock back.  If I ever thought that time could stand still or things could remain constant I have found that it is not possible.  Life changes daily and one can not stop it from happening.
• In difficult times one finds solace in God and strength in friends.
• One can decide to be sad or be happy.  In a given day a person may have no power to say which one you are but over time a person has the ability to be one or the other.
• God is all important and family is close behind.
• A person must make decisons daily and sometimes they can be right and sometimes they can be wrong but which ever they are YOU must make them and then YOU must live with them.
• Nobody has the corner on truth or right, not even self.
• I have become more tolerance and less judgemental.
• I will always have a heart for people who have lost loved ones.
• I will always have a heart for people who have lost someone to breast cancer.
• As much as I desire to have a cure for breast cancer found I will never give a dime to the pink cancer program that advertises so much and does so much fund raising.  This is a personal decision which I can explain only in person and not on paper.
• The work of keeping up a home alone is almost overwhelming.
• To live alone can be very difficult, to live lonely is a decision.
• It is better to have loved and lost then never loved at all. (not my words)
• A person can not avoid the race of life but it is up to each person whether they win or lose.
• I have seen many times the saying about do not judge me until you have walked in my shoes.  I now know that it is very very true.
• One can no more keep life the same day after day than one could preserve an ice cream cone on a hot summer day.  To hold on to life today as if it were yesterday is an impossible dream.
• If someone would have sat next to me on September 15, 2009 and tried to explain how difficult my next months would be I would have not believed them.  Would I trade this last year for anything, no.  That is because it would have meant never knowing Gail and that would have been the worst.
• Never in my life have I loved and appreciated family more than in the last 19 months.  I would say that to have a loving and supporting family is a daily mountain top experience.
• I have often asked myself what would I change over the last many years if I could change anything.  I have come to believe that I would have loved Gail more.  Did I love her?  I tried to love her with my whole heart but I would liked to have had a larger heart.

 In the last many months I have experienced much, changed much and accomplished much yet life moves on in a whirlwind of events and activities.  I have made many many decisions during this time.  Some have been easy and not so important and some have been difficult and very important.  Some have taken hardly a nanosecond to make and some have taken months to form and understand.  If I were to explain them this blog would become a book which would be boring, long and not important but I will share one here which was long in coming and difficult to make.  I understand that I may live the rest of my life as a single guy who loved and lost his loved one but who still decided to live life to the fullest in the best way he could.   But given that very real possibility I have decided that I will be open to a different life if God wants that.  I would be open to entering into a new relationship, one that would could make my life more complicated, more involved and perhaps more meaning full.  Will that happen?  I have no idea and I certainly am not worried about it.  If it happens I will be fine and if it does not happen I will be fine.  I have come to believe that when a person opens their heart up to change it is not possible to imagine what God might do but whatever it is be ready and be engaged.  I realize that when I am older I may look like the bike in the picture above but it is also possible that I may be like the bike I am excited to get this month which will be new, exciting and somewhat on the edge.