Saturday, October 23, 2010

Alone and empty

OK so again it was one of those days that come and go and you want never to come again.  It was the kind of day that shows me again and again how weak I am and maybe how empty I am. 
It started out with a 7 AM men's meeting which was good but for some reason I kept having thoughts during the meeting of how OUR (Gail's and mine) life had been in People of Praise for so long and now of course it is no more.  From there I went to a memorial service for Mary S who Gail knew.  Mary died of breast cancer this week.  Those functions are difficult and when I knew them quit well and breast cancer was involved it is more difficult.  After a 90 minutes service and lunch after that I stopped at the Krauses to see how I could help John.  His wife Jeanette has cancer.  On my way home from there I stopped at Cynthia/Mikes but they had company so I did not go in.  After working on some wood thing for John I returned to work with him.  Later in the evening I decided I needed a Jude and Faustina fix but as I stopped in front of their place it looked like they had people over for the evening so I got in the car and drove home.  As I sat at home thinking of the day I just could not avoid feeling sad and lonely.  Having spent time thinking about Mary this morning, working with John whose wife is very very ill and then having memories flood my mind of time gone by when our family was younger, kids were at home, company came over and the whole world just seemed so much happier, so much more peaceful.  Of course I know that much of that is not true.  I know that Mary's husband Ken will grieve much but he will be OK, I know that John still has time to love and cherish Jeanette, I know that Cynthia and Mike were and are still having a great time with friends.  Even with all of that and God's love and glory in it all I just could not help feeling lonely, sad and empty.  So goes another day and I am sure as I go to church tomorrow and experience God's presence in a special way things will look up and joy will be there again.  Often I wish I could avoid these times but I know I can not.  I do believe there is good in them it just is difficult to see at times.  I am thankful they don't come too often and when they do come it seems I can cope much better now than in the past. 
I think I may take an early "out" for the evening and get some sleep.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Praying for you tonight.