For Carmen--A new beginning--A new journey: Alone and empty

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Alone and empty

OK so again it was one of those days that come and go and you want never to come again. It was the kind of day that shows me again and again how weak I am and maybe how empty I am.
It started out with a 7 AM men's meeting which was good but for some reason I kept having thoughts during the meeting of how OUR (Gail's and mine) life had been in People of Praise for so long and now of course it is no more. From there I went to a memorial service for Mary S who Gail knew. Mary died of breast cancer this week. Those functions are difficult and when I knew them quit well and breast cancer was involved it is more difficult. After a 90 minutes service and lunch after that I stopped at the Krauses to see how I could help John. His wife Jeanette has cancer. On my way home from there I stopped at Cynthia/Mikes but they had company so I did not go in. After working on some wood thing for John I returned to work with him. Later in the evening I decided I needed a Jude and Faustina fix but as I stopped in front of their place it looked like they had people over for the evening so I got in the car and drove home. As I sat at home thinking of the day I just could not avoid feeling sad and lonely. Having spent time thinking about Mary this morning, working with John whose wife is very very ill and then having memories flood my mind of time gone by when our family was younger, kids were at home, company came over and the whole world just seemed so much happier, so much more peaceful. Of course I know that much of that is not true. I know that Mary's husband Ken will grieve much but he will be OK, I know that John still has time to love and cherish Jeanette, I know that Cynthia and Mike were and are still having a great time with friends. Even with all of that and God's love and glory in it all I just could not help feeling lonely, sad and empty. So goes another day and I am sure as I go to church tomorrow and experience God's presence in a special way things will look up and joy will be there again. Often I wish I could avoid these times but I know I can not. I do believe there is good in them it just is difficult to see at times. I am thankful they don't come too often and when they do come it seems I can cope much better now than in the past.
I think I may take an early "out" for the evening and get some sleep.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...: Praying for you tonight.; October 23, 2010 at 10:43 PM

Post a Comment

The first reading at Gail's funeral September 18, 2009

I know of no one who fit this better than Gail

Proverbs 31: 10-31
A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm.
all the days of her life.
She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.
She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
She gets up while it is still dark;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her servant girls.
She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
She sets about her work vigorously:
her arms are strong for her tasks.
She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her;
Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all."
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Give her the reward she has earned,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Well done good and faithful servant, your praise is much and your reward is to be with God forever.

Our Story

Our story begin in 1951, when Carmen was 4 and Gail was 5! We met as our parents were at a camera club. Fast forward--Carmen begin to attend grade school in town in 1957, the same school that Gail went to. Fast forward--We had our first date in the winter of 1964 in Gail's senior year of high school. Again--we were married June 1st of 1968. We moved to St. Paul in October of 1977 and lived at 2094 Niles Ave until Gail's death September 14 of 2009.
Gail first breast cancer was found in October of 2003. After surgery, chemo, radiation and infusions for a year she felt well and we lived life in our normal mode. Carmen retired in June of 2007 and shortly after that we quit doing the paper route as well. In the fall of 2007 we went on our dream vacation. We camped for 7 weeks in Prince Edward Island and Nova Scotia and in the New England states. Sleeping in our truck and eating over an open fire we felt that we had experienced heaven. Then in January of 2008 we spent 3 weeks in Hawaii with friends and again had so much fun. In the fall of 2008 we did much work on the outside of the house and we were so excited to enter 2009 with big plans and dreams. In January Gail was diagnosed with new cancer. For the next 7 1/2 months we prayed, changed our life style, laughed and cried often. As the end of Gail's life drew near she was peaceful and family cared for her at home until she met Jesus. It was a journey that was wonderful, exciting, blessed, full of life and full of love but of course it was too short. Gail is so missed but I know she is in a better place so my journey must continue on without my true love.
I enter a new decade as the "I" that I never wanted to be but I have hope. Hope of things not experienced and hope that life will again, in 2010, become something that I look forward to each morning. My hope is based on our Lord who gives all, who is all and who gives love to all who believe. I enter this new decade with so many questions and so few answers but with faith that all will be well.

For Carmen--A new beginning--A new journey

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Alone and empty

1 comment:

The first reading at Gail's funeral September 18, 2009

Our Story

Followers

About Me