Monday, September 13, 2010

Blindsided, should I be surprised?

As I sit at my computer this morning I have had the tissue box near all morning, in the car and now as I sit.  Once again, it has not been uncommon, I have been blindsided by the raw and unending emotion of the moment, of the day and of this last week.  As I drove towards Inver Grove Honda today for an oil change the tissue box slowly went down in numbers and the pile of damp and dirty tissue slowly piled up on the unoccupped seat next to me.  Was I surprised, yes.  Should I have been surprised, perhaps not but then I have found in these days, weeks and months past that this process of letting go of a loved one is unpredictable, unreasonable and full of surprises.  I don't think I could count the number of times I have said to myself and maybe on this blog as well that I am better, I am ready to move on to a new chapter in my life and of course each time I say that I fall, stumble and humbly raise myself up from the turf and move on knowing that my judgement was incorrect.  
Here is a summary of what I wrote September 13, 2009.

"It was a difficult night. Accidents, restlessness, and more.  The kids cared for their mother so lovingly as I tried to get some much needed sleep.  There was a trip to the store for diapers and then the decision that the hospice nurse needed to come and put a catheter in for Gail.  Later in the day Gail wanted to sit up (it was the last time she did that) and as I put my arm around her and hugged her as much as I could I detected a smile which is permanently in my mind.  It has now been several days since Gail had eaten or drank and we knew that even though God was so present he would soon enter our front door and whisk Gail into eternal life with him and for sure many many lives would never be the same."

I have resigned myself to not doing much today or tomorrow.  My mind is restless, my body seems tired and I guess in many many ways I am embracing myself for the last of the "FIRSTS" in this journey I am on.  At the risk of sounding stupid I am once again going to say that I feel I may be ready to move on to the new chapter of my life after tomorrow.  Almost like a soldier going to battle with his helmet, his rifle and other needed things I may be ready to move on with memories of Gail tucked into my small mind and with a new and different approach to life.  No longer am I the swaggering 18 year old leaving home and going off to college with dreams, expectations and unlimited hope.  For now I am the 63 year old man who is trying to find his way to a new life with hope, some dreams but a realism that blankets all.  I trust that God is loving, he is good and he will let me know all the whens, ifs and wheres as I need them.

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