Thursday, September 9, 2010

Promises Promises Promises

Gail and I on December 30, 1968.  We had been married June 1st of that year so we were so excited to celebrate her birthday for the first time as a couple and we already had enjoyed our first Christmas together.  As you can see she still was wearing those head bands that melted my heart and made it flutter in such a way that I thought I might die on the spot. We were not able to enjoy a honeymoon after our wedding but really I think in our relationship we had at least a 6 year honeymoon.  Then it ended and there was much work to be done for us to survive.  We did work hard and the result was a wonderful 41 years of marriage.  Will not go into the details of the hard work we did but it is enough to say that perhaps all couples go though a time like that and it is NO fun but the results more than make up for the pain and work. 
As September 14 draws closer I find myself making promises and then not keeping them.  A few days ago I went back to read the blog which was written in the last days of Gail's life.  It was too high drama for me, tears and emotions were so raw, I promised myself I could not and would not go there for now.  BUT I seem to be drawn there each morning to read, cry and reflect. I read each day and then sit and cry as I recall almost minute by minute that day.  I really do not want to do that but I am drawn there each day.  Why?  I don't know but perhaps I need some closure that I was not aware of.  That must be it because I do not enjoy the emotion that flows so freely and the tears that contunualy wet my face and blur my eyes. 
I also promised myself that I would get into the work around my house.  Well here it is Thursday morning @ 8:00 AM and I sit, weep and reflect as the work seems to almost snear at me from the yard or the garage or the wood shop. 
This morning I have thought of and prayed for all the kids, John, Mary, Travis, Aaron, Amy, Cynthia and Mike.  Then of course there are Henry, Liam, Leo, Faustina, Audrey, Jude and Ruby Gail.  As I deal with the loss of my Gail and all she meant to me they too deal with the loss of their mother or grandmother.  I know it is all part of life, all part of being a whole person, one who loves, works, wins, loses and deals with happy times in the same breath that one deals with sad and difficult times.  I often tend to want to be alone or isolate myself at times yet I know with all my heart that we need God and family to go on living in the face of devastation.  Of course God is the most important but his love, his grace and his protection usually takes the shape of a daughter, a son or a friend.  As all of those have been Christ to me I am so humbled, so thankful yet still so wounded by the loss of Gail.  Time helps but the going has been slow.  Kind of like the saying,  God grant me patience but please hurry.
Believe it or not I do have plans for the day.  I will work most of the morning cleaning out the pick up, the car and putting things away. Oh yes there will be dishes and things like that as well.  Then this afternoon the lawn needs to be mowed, the yard needs much work and maybe, just maybe some time in the wood shop later. 
One can tell that fall is close at hand.  Yesterday morning the temp was at 44 and this morning at 51.  Those are nice but if you go for a bike ride or do something outside there certainly is a chill in the air. 
No, I feel that I am finished reflecting and thinking for the day, it is now on to some work and getting hand dirty.

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