Friday, September 11, 2009

Over the edge!!!

As I sat mindlessly at the computer I realized that I felt lost. Not lost in the sense of not knowing where I was but rather lost in the sense of my own being. Some of my thoughts:
What if Gail is not healed, what will I do, what should I do?
How will family function without Gail's love?
Why has God chosen our family to be so blessed with such support?
Who should cut my hair?
Will I be able to walk the walk with God without Gail by my side?
What weaknesses will others now see where Gail covered before?
Have I loved Gail enough, have I served enough, have I been good enough to her?
Will I lose the goodness that Gail has cultivated in me?
Can I be happy without her?
Can I serve at Servant Camp without my right hand?
Will my will be strong enough without her will to support it?
Can I be a good grandpa without grandma?
How can I adequately preserve Gail's spirit?
Of course such things as can I learn how to wash clothes also come up?
Oh my, my mind does also wander back to births, schools, trips, parties, times we cried, times we disagreed, times we laughed, times we traveled, times we were goofy, times we loved and times we sat in silence. I am flooded with questions, with memories, with hope, with despair and with many many other things. I know God is good, I know He is present, I know He is the HEALER but of course I still have questions.
Please continue to pray for healing, for peace and for God's plan to be ours as well.

1 comment:

Connie said...

Carmen, I noticed no one commented on this entry. Perhaps because it was late and you posted early the next morning.

What you wrote is so real, so human, so like the Jesus I have come to know. You are not off the edge, you are right in the middle of humanness.

We are with you, Gail, and your family. Jesus, you are my brother's heart, beat strongly with him.