Wednesday, September 30, 2009


Here's what Gail wrote to her diary January 4, 45 years ago "I'm not fooling anyone but myself so I'll be honest with you". Here goes!! I'm doing OK, I have so much support, family is great, community is wonderful, friends are supportive, God is near BUT right now life stinks. I miss Gail so much, I miss holding her hand, I miss her many comments, I miss our conversations, I miss driving down to the river with her and just sitting, I miss deciding when we would go to bed, I just miss everything about our life together. I know it will change, I know time will heal, I know I am not alone but that just does not change the moment. Days are long, nights are longer, meals are hurried (Cynthia has been here for lunch most days and that is great), work is mindless and if I have accomplished anything in the last few days right now it seems "who cares" kind of thing.

There, I was honest. I really do not need pity or anything like that. I know that it is something that I need to go through right now. There will be a light at the end of the tunnel and when I see it I will rejoice and when I get through the tunnel, whenever that is, I will be happy and thankful.

Cynthia was here yesterday or maybe it was Monday. We laughed and laughed at mother's diary. It certainly was written by a special woman and also written in a different time. At one time in high school, before we were dating, she wrote that I looked at her and she almost melted. Maybe I am off base but I am not so sure that would happen today, I think it may take more than a look!!!

I did get something done yesterday. I made enough progress in the garage so I was able to drive the pickup in to see if it would fit. I have much to do yet but it did fit and stayed in the garage overnight.

I am excited to go the a college soccer game today. Gail always wanted to support our nephews and nieces in what they did. That is not why I am going, I am going because it will be a fun thing to do. Actually what I meant to say is I do not want to live life saying I did that because Gail would have done that. I just want to begin to live to the fullest now which is what WE always tried to do. I can not think of a better thing to do than to see Claire play soccer. Afterward Al/Deb and I are going out for dinner which will be fun. People may not want to admit it but I do think that when a spouse dies there is always the question of where and how do I fit in with my in-laws now. I hope MY place can replace OUR place in the Saunders family. Of course I know that I can not replace Gail as someones sister or daughter but rather hope that my place in the family as part of Gail can remain stable and the same.

The house was cold this morning. I really wanted to turn up the heat but Mark Lauer says I should not turn the heat on until Thanksgiving so I will try to do that. Maybe I need to stop being a people pleaser.

I am excited. Joel Kibler got back to me and said People of Praise will set up the Gail Lee Camp Fund. In the future all camp donations will go into the fund to support camperships, rent thing or whatever is needed. That is the best news I have gotten in many weeks.

Jerry Wind stopped by last night. We had a wonderful time together. I still think about Gail saying good-bye to him the Thursday before she died. Jerry was leaving on vacation for a week the next day and as he left our house Gail motioned for him to come give her a hug and blessing. After the fact both Jerry and I realized that was her final farewell to Jerry and she knew it. There just was a tear dropped on the computer, darn it.

No, I don't know how this underlining started!! Anyway, I must go. I have places to go, people to see, things to do, and we will see what a new day brings.


Anonymous said...

Your honesty and reflections are really inspiring and thought provoking. Thank you for articulating your thoughts. My prayer is for grace to abound in your life as your journey continues. I believe time heals, and those many good memories keep us moving forward, while consoling us in our grief. Keep on "keeping on", the Lord has plenty for you to do. Your many "kids" need you...

David Limberg

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