Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Death can not separate the hearts

Did you ever feel that life over whelms you?  I do.  These last 8 1/2 months I have felt that I am not big enough, I am not smart enough, I am not strong enough, I don't know God well enought nor am I able to cope with the loss of my one and only Gail.  Today would have been our 42nd anniversary.  I can remember almost every detail of our wedding day.  I slept little the night before, I took one last ride on my motorcycle at 9:00 am before I handed the keys to my dad, I was so nervous my mouth was dry, I was so excited that I almost was shaking, the kiss I gave Gail at the end of the ceremony remains the kiss I remember the most, I was embarrassed to no end when I called a relative by the wrong name in the reception line, I actually was excited to dance that night, I remember Gail as being the most beautiful bride ever (as she stood at the back of the church with her dad she was simply stunning) , I remember the drive (I liked to sing to Gail and one time on a date I had my arm around her and was singing the song let's go all the way and she later said she was so nervous but I did not realize what I was doing)  after the dance as we drove to our motel in a nearby town, and ,I will not give the details but,  the minutes after we arrived at the motel seemed like hours.  There we were, looking at each other and really not knowing for sure what to do or how to do what couples do on their wedding night??  That's it, no more details but it was an exciting, scary, memorable time in our lives that will remain with me forever.  As the days turned into weeks and into months and into years we could look back and laugh and be thankful for the memory but at the moment it was unreal.
So today, 42 years later, I am sitting in a green chair that is too big, I am living in a house that is too large, I am living in a world that is new, different and awkward.  I have more questions than answers, more memories than dreams and a heart that is healed over oh so tenderly that the slightest memory, the smallest mistake opens wide the wound that is so fragile.  I can see progress, I can feel a newness, I can see some future but yet most is still veiled as if there is a morning fog.  I know there is a song that says the sun is just behind the clouds and I know that is true but to live it and experience it is a daily challenge that sometimes I am up to and sometimes I fail in the most miserable way. 
I am going to pretend that today is another anniversary.  As Gail and I so often jumped in the car and spent the day driving, talking, even napping at times, I too will today drive, think, listen to music, read a book and remember Gail at her bestest (I know that is not a word) times.  Yes, there were times that were not the best as our marriage was like so many---a relationship that endured difficulties, misunderstandings, great conversations, wonderful God times, much sickness, times of laughter, times of love and a family that was and still is so supportive and so good to us and now me. 
It seems that my times of despair are less often now, my times of tears are infrequent, my mind sometimes dares dream and my life seems to be moving forward much much more than it goes backward.
I am actually looking forward to today because when these "firsts" come they can give me glimpses of what may be in the future and that is what makes dreams.  And we all know that dreams make the world go around.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I hope you celebrated life on your anniversary. It was still your 42 anniversary but without your life's love. I remember that day as well, it was a beautiful wedding. You're fortunate to have all the wonderful memories to cherish and pictures to bring those memories to life. You have a beautiful family to make more memories with and I hope they're as happy as those in the past. Enjoy your garden, next year at the reunion I'll expect some fresh veggies to accompany you to Rapid.