Thursday, February 11, 2010
A Journey like no other
I feel like I am on that bridge. It seems like my journey will never end but there is no turning back, I must keep going. There are times that the quietness of the house seems to smother me and then there are times when that same quietness seems to bring God right to the forefront and I meet him face to face. There are times when Gail's absence seems to make life unbearable and then there are times that she seems so near that I can smell the freshness of her breathe and touch the softness of her hair. The task of fatherhood, of grandpahood, of housekeeper, of brother, of friend seems so impossible at times without Gail and then at times it seems she is so near encouraging me and telling me I am doing OK. It often seems that I just can not do this life without my Gail and then God will gently reach out and lead me in the right direction and I say I am OK.
This journey I am on seems to be changing me, seems to be softening me, seems to be scaling back a crust, seems to be changing my priorities and when night comes I can almost say I am becoming a better person than I was. I am becoming more compassionate, more understanding, more in love with God---I think God may be taking my hurt, my pain, my grief and molding me into a new creation. I didn't want to change, I didn't want to embrace pain but maybe, just maybe God will have a new creation when the sun shines once again. I do want Gail in my arms again but perhaps, God in his wisdom and mercy, he is using pain for his gain and his glory. I don't know but it seems to be happening.
I will be getting out of town Saturday noon and will not be back until maybe Tuesday. This whole journey has been and is a challenge, a struggle and I am exhausted. I want to get away from the hustle and bustle for a short time to catch my breathe. I think I will use tomorrow to get some things in the house in order, Saturday morning there will be men here and then I will hit the road for a while. A wonderful sister lovingly encouraged me to use her cabin for a few days and I will do that. I will have my cell phone on for emergencies but will not worry about anything until I return maybe on Tuesday.