Monday, February 15, 2010

A last second God

I went, I stayed and I came home.  I found out that Julie's cabin is not fancy, not a million dollar manision but it is very nice, very comfortable and I liked it a lot.
I ended up coming back late Monday as I had remembered that Jim Ingram was going to drop off some camp things tonight.  
After arriving mid afternoon, getting the water and heat on I just kind of became a veggie for a while.  One day I did not even go outside.  One night I started a "nothing book", by that I mean one of those books you read if you want your mind to not be used.  I opened the 350 page book about 5:30 in the evening and finished it before I went to bed.  I had not read a book like that in a long time and it was kind of enjoyable.
I felt kind of badly.  Julie's neighbor call Sunday about noon and asked if I would like to come next door for a cup of coffee.  I should have said yes but I was in the middle of writing and so I said thanks but no thanks.  I did do much writing while I was there.  I started putting some of my thoughts about my life on paper and by the time I left for home I had 25+ pages.  I am not sure they say anything but I sure did write.  Also put down some of my thought to God at this time in my life.
I did not go seeking any great wisdom or any answers and there were none that came----Than on the way home as I was just driving and thinking God kind of popped up in my mind and said,  "Carmen, why are you asking me what you should do with your life?  Do you think it should change?  You know that I always let you and Gail know the right direction in the right time but as life went on you just lived.  You lived for me and your brothers and sisters.  Why would you change direction now?  Just continue to live for me and I will guide you."  At that point I came to my senses as my tires hit the tracks on the side of the road that they put so you don't drive in the ditch!!  I straighten out and said, you are right.  I will continue to live and let life unfold just as it always has and you be in charge.  So that is it, God is still in charge and I just need to listen but I need not strive for a new direction, a new life or new things.  So if or when people ask me what I am going to do now I will just say, "I am not going to change a thing.  Life unfolded on a daily bases when Gail was physically here and it will continue to unfold in the same way now that she is in heaven.  I am comfortable with that, I can easily live with that for now and perhaps forever. 
I am going to try to go to mankato later in the week.  If I do not get there this week it will be the first part of next week and then of course it is to see Ruby Gail on Friday.  I can feel it already, when I see her cute little face I will shed some tears for Grandma Gail even though she has already seen her.

1 comment:

東京 said...

成熟,就是有能力適應生活中的模糊。 ..................................................