For Carmen--A new beginning--A new journey: Empty again

Monday, October 19, 2009

Empty again

I should and I wanted to be at Paul Korkowski's wake tonight. I wanted to be there for Phil and Kathy but I could not muster up the emotional energy.
I feel like I could be the oil pan of our 70 Chevy Impala when in about 1980 or so I was teaching John how to change the oil and he striped the threads of the drain plug and of course the pan would not hold oil. Well I feel I can not hold any energy tonight. I also remember that when that happened with John I know I had little patience and was frustrated, well tonight I feel that way. I tried to energize myself by starting a fire in the fire bowl in the back yard but that was not exciting, not energizing and not fun. I simply got cold!
I had a scare this morning. The recycle truck went right by my pile of things. I was temped to get angry but then I thought that I bet there was so much there they probably radioed for a truck to come get it and that was correct. An hour later it was all gone.
I get an A. I am supposed to be on meds for a couple of things and I always relied on Gail for those dumb pills. Well I keep them in a weekly pill tray thing and last week I took them every morning and every night. I even surprised myself. Keep up the good work Carmen.
I was able to get together with John B today and that was fun. It had been way way too long but it always is enjoyable for me when it happens. I can't explain it but there are a handful of people in my life that I just seem to connect with. It has nothing to do with spending time together, doing the same thing, having common interests or anything like that. For me it just means that for those few people there is a "connection" when I see them. Anyway, like I have said before in other situations, the beer was good, the atmosphere was OK but the conversation and the "being" was just wonderful.
I have noticed that nights are not quite so bad now. I still do not like them but they are more tolerable than a couple of weeks ago.
I did get the last storm windows on. I was not able to get them on in the way they should go on but the weather looks to get cold again and wet so I thought I had better put them on the best I could in a short time.
The house looks like a disaster just happened. It may be time to get my act together. I say that and then ask myself if I have ever had that happen!!
Enough

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The first reading at Gail's funeral September 18, 2009

I know of no one who fit this better than Gail

Proverbs 31: 10-31
A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm.
all the days of her life.
She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.
She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
She gets up while it is still dark;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her servant girls.
She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
She sets about her work vigorously:
her arms are strong for her tasks.
She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her;
Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all."
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Give her the reward she has earned,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Well done good and faithful servant, your praise is much and your reward is to be with God forever.

Our Story

Our story begin in 1951, when Carmen was 4 and Gail was 5! We met as our parents were at a camera club. Fast forward--Carmen begin to attend grade school in town in 1957, the same school that Gail went to. Fast forward--We had our first date in the winter of 1964 in Gail's senior year of high school. Again--we were married June 1st of 1968. We moved to St. Paul in October of 1977 and lived at 2094 Niles Ave until Gail's death September 14 of 2009.
Gail first breast cancer was found in October of 2003. After surgery, chemo, radiation and infusions for a year she felt well and we lived life in our normal mode. Carmen retired in June of 2007 and shortly after that we quit doing the paper route as well. In the fall of 2007 we went on our dream vacation. We camped for 7 weeks in Prince Edward Island and Nova Scotia and in the New England states. Sleeping in our truck and eating over an open fire we felt that we had experienced heaven. Then in January of 2008 we spent 3 weeks in Hawaii with friends and again had so much fun. In the fall of 2008 we did much work on the outside of the house and we were so excited to enter 2009 with big plans and dreams. In January Gail was diagnosed with new cancer. For the next 7 1/2 months we prayed, changed our life style, laughed and cried often. As the end of Gail's life drew near she was peaceful and family cared for her at home until she met Jesus. It was a journey that was wonderful, exciting, blessed, full of life and full of love but of course it was too short. Gail is so missed but I know she is in a better place so my journey must continue on without my true love.
I enter a new decade as the "I" that I never wanted to be but I have hope. Hope of things not experienced and hope that life will again, in 2010, become something that I look forward to each morning. My hope is based on our Lord who gives all, who is all and who gives love to all who believe. I enter this new decade with so many questions and so few answers but with faith that all will be well.

For Carmen--A new beginning--A new journey

Monday, October 19, 2009

Empty again

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The first reading at Gail's funeral September 18, 2009

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