Sunday, October 18, 2009

Looking back

I went, I talked, I sang, I prayed, I worshiped and I did not shed tears. Perhaps I had drained my tear reserve in the morning at St. Kates but regardless of the reasons I did not have to use any tissue and this time I brought some! I did pray really hard that God would give me the grace during my first community meeting without Gail to participate without the distraction of so many emotions. I talked to Carol, Bob, Steve, Marie, Mark, Doug, George, John, Beth, Nadine and the list goes on. I would not say it was my favorite time in the last 5 weeks but for sure God answered my prayers in the way I desired. I have come to believe that God always hears and always answers but not always in the way we desire. Why, if only I knew.
Recycling is coming tomorrow so I am trying to get as much paper out of here as I can and so tonight I went through yet another box and this time it was the size that holds 10 reams of paper. Everything in it was related to Gail's cancer in some way. I found TEN wristbands that you wear in the hospital. TEN I could not even remember all the times. At first all the notes, all the prescriptions, all the lab reports and other things made me mad. I thought how could God have not healed her when she wanted to live so badly and prayed and worked so hard towards good health. Then I thought no, anger is not the answer. Instead I focused on how brave Gail was, how courageous she was and how those godly gifts allowed her to see Faustina, Audrey and Jude born, how it allowed us to have a heavenly 7 week camping trip into Canada and how it gave us 3 glorious weeks in Hawaii to say nothing about the countless Friday date nights, the countless grandma/grandpa Thursdays and the list is impressive. So I said THANK YOU GOD for healing Gail during that period of almost 6 years and I am so thankful that you gave our Gail those gifts which she used, endured and suffered through.
I also did start another box only to find in it our wedding cards and other things that I am not yet ready to throw or look at so they shall sit in the north bedroom for another day.
I look at the time and it is 10:41. I know that going to bed means that I am closer to getting up tomorrow and then I will say 5 weeks ago today. Five weeks is almost 10% of a year. Cynthia was over here this afternoon. We talked and discussed how it still doesn't seem real, yet it seems like yesterday or perhaps a long time ago. It just is kind of mixed up. There is one thing that is for sure and that is the loss of a loved one changes one's life for ever. Time may not heal completely--it will mend but change is forever. I am thankful that in spite of the many imperfections that I have and that Gail had we gave our full effort to live life to the best of our ability, to love each other with every means we could muster and to serve God with our whole heart.

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