Wednesday, October 14, 2009

So what-----Sew what

The machine is a Bernina 440QE. The QE stands for quilters edition. Gail enjoyed making quilt squares so much I surprised her on our 40Th wedding anniversary in June of 08 with this new machine that she could use to sew her squares into beautiful colorful quilts. Now the quilt squares with their perfect stitches and 100% straight seams hang listlessly and quietly in the closet. She was able to use her QE for about a total of 5 hours as her last sewing project was the PJ's she made for Henry, Liam and Leo. It is just too valuable to be sitting here so I did some homework with the help of Carmen Rinehart and it is now ready to sell. It almost took more courage than I had but in the end I realized that anniversary gift or not it just can not sit here. I guess I can feel sorry for myself or I can look at it as another dose of reality that Gail just is not here and the memories of our life together will have to take the place of her physical presence. It would be so easy to tell myself that it isn't true and she will be home tomorrow but of course that can't happen and I do believe that God can and will make good out of a difficult situation.
Actually I did fairly well today. I had breakfast with Jim C, went through some boxes, stopped at State Farm to pay the house insurance and readied the house for men's group. Also in those activities the sewing machine was readied for sale. I did fall down for lunch as I grabbed some chips with melted cheese on them, not good I think!
Tomorrow property taxes are due and then on Friday the balance of the funeral expenses is due. I did call Visa to see if I could increase the maximum on my credit card! They said they would let me know, not the answer I wanted. I may need to get a bit creative in the next few days!
I have nothing scheduled tomorrow until Amy and Micah come over at 7 in the evening. I may try to sleep in but I do not know if that is possible. I have come to the conclusion that in the last weeks my bed has gotten bigger, colder and less inviting and yet that seems strange. I do not want to get too personal here but I miss curling my right leg around Gail's left leg and holding her hand. Now when I try to curl my right leg I almost fall out of bed and for sure I get cold.
I did a fun thing today. I had taken a flyer up to "frame it". The flyer was put up around Cayuga in 1968 inviting people to our wedding dance. It was tearing and fragile so I had it mounted on a stiff backing and now I will frame it. I like it a lot and it does remind me how much Gail loved to dance and I was such a poop. I do wish I had changed in that regard.
It is now 11:23 so think I will try to get some shut eye.

1 comment:

Connie said...

Hi Carmen,

I didn't know that Gail was such a quilter until I saw the beautiful squares she made at her wake. What a thoughtful gift to give her that great sewing machine. It will be a wonderful tribute to her to have someone else enjoy it. I bet she is excited at that idea.

A character in a novel I was reading describes his grief at the loss of his sister/soulmate as a flood that gets into your basement where your precious memories are stored: "When the water left and your things were back out in the air, your things were so heavy you couldn't lift them to throw them away, mildew blooming like black roses already. But before the water receded, everything you loved was shomwhere underneath, and if you couldn't clearly see it all, neither could you see what had been destroyed. While your belongings were submerged, you could walk among them, slowly by necessity. There was no need to clean up. There was no need to salvage some things and burn other and arrange for replacements. You stood in the water, and though once the place dried out you could get to work, you hoped it never would: look, that chair's sound, that magazine's legible, that face in the photo album's only slightly blurred, ready for conversation or kisses. We're only separated. We can still see."

It takes a long time for basements to dry out. Please be patient with yourself.