Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Rain again

Cynthia/Mike are celebrating 3 years of marriage today. It was a different time. Leo, Faustina, Audrey and Jude were not with us, Gail's health was good and I was into my last year of teaching as well as Gail and I were in our last year of the paper route. How time does change life. Sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly but always change. I should say that if you google Faustina Elaine Adkins you will come up with Cynthia/Mikes blog and at the top they have my all time favorite picture of Gail. Her eyes are so full of life, so full of love, so full of mischief and all other good things it is great. It was taken during Cynthia/Mike's wedding dance.
I spent the whole day around home. The house had been in a complete shambles for many days as I went from one thing to the next always sorting, throwing, recycling etc. I spent about 5 hours just picking up, boxing up and cleaning up. Actually it makes me feel better. I did go out one time to get some goodies for a meeting here this afternoon and then I stopped at the funeral home and paid the balance of the bill.
I found the picture of Gail waving good-bye, that was the last picture in the slides, and put it up on the mantle. I am not real sure why because I lose it or almost lose it each time I look at it but something inside of me said put it up for you and all to see. Perhaps it will help the mending process.
The last few days I have been struggling with expectations. I try not to have expectations of other people but at times I fail. In this case it is related to some close people that I have not heard from after Gail's death. In a few cases I sent a letter letting people know. I know it is wrong for me to have some of the thoughts I have but they do rear their ugly head sometimes. Of course I can not and I should not have any expectations if for no other reason that I have failed so many times to express my condolences but still they do persist and I need to pray against them.
I have been taking short short walks several times a day. I usually just go to the end of the block and back again but it gives me a chance to reflect, to think, to observe, to look at God's fall coloring book and it is good. I realized this afternoon that when I do this I usually have my hands in my pocket. It just dawned on me how much I miss holding Gail's hand, the warmth of it, the tenderness of it and the comfort it would give me. I remembered her saying when we were in Hawaii that she had never been able to hold hands as much as we did there and she loved it. I have come to the belief that LOVE is God's super glue. Super glue can fix, mend, repair and hold things together forever, yep LOVE is God's super glue for sure.
As I sit at the dining room table I can still see in the twilight of the day leaves falling in the front yard. I remember Gail saying several times that she knew something would happen this fall. Of course we always said she would be healed and now I do wonder if she had any idea of meeting her Father and savor this fall when she would say that.
I am going to write some thank you notes tonight. Like Gail and I would often laugh and say, got things to do, places to go and people to see---now that is me.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I goggle Cynthia and Mikes sight. What a great picture. That one should be on the mantle too. You both have such a fun look in your eyes! You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Deb Vernon