Wednesday

Just barely as it is about 12:45 AM now. I am just restless and can not sleep. Travis sent me an e-mail that got me to thinking. He said that he has been reading the blog daily and it sounds like I am having a hard time. I had not thought that way except it may be true. It just seems like I am so darn lonesome. I know Gail is in a wonderful place. I don't want to be with her now as I want to live out my life here etc. but it just is so so lonesome. It seems like over the years we had grown so much as one. I am not saying that everyone should be like that but for us it happened and it seemed right. Often we would start to say the same thing at the same time. Much of the time we would have the same idea and most of the time we agreed. For now I am just so lost. I actually have a feeling that it will pass soon but not yet. I don't have much desire to do anything right now. I have found myself thinking a lot about the past. I am remembering some of the cute outfits Gail wore, some of the goofy things she did. I remember one time she e-mailed me and said she was depressed and when I arrived home she may be a little grease spot in the corner of the basement. I actually hurried home early and there she was in the kitchen just as happy as could be. I was so relieved but upset and she thought it was so funny!! I remember one time when we were still dating. We were driving to a movie in her car because I only had a motorcycle and I was singing to her as we sat sooo close. I had my arm around her and I was singing some song that had the words "lets go all the way" and I was as innocent as could be and later she shared that she was a bit concerned and we laughed and laughed as I was so in love I didn't even know what I had sang. I can remember the joy I would experience when I would board the bus after a basketball game and she would be saving a seat for US. I know that I never minded that sometimes the ride home were as long as a 100 miles. I always liked my motorcycle cause she would put her arms around my waist and hold me so tight. I remember that my dad always had an old car so we had to be careful because if we would stop someplace we shouldn't it may not start so I always left the car running!!! I would sit on top of the barn on a Sunday and look west to see if she would be coming in their red car with the yellow canoe on top. (I had no phone) When I would see the car I would climb down, get on my bike and ride the 1/2 mile up to the lake and make sure I arrived just after she got there. The first time I thought my love for her was the real deal was late one night we were in her basement and just sitting talking and for some reason we had our socks off and she started playing footsie with me and her warm toes on mine felt so good. That is really strange but it happened and I thought as I drove home that I could be happy spending the rest of my life with her. One summer weekend I drove my motorcycle to her uncle's cabin where her whole family was. There was a rain storm so I had to stay over night. As I was going to sleep in a top bunk she came in to say good night and she had on the cutest little short nightie and I almost fell out of my bunk!! Her brother was in the bottom bunk and she gave me a little good night kiss on the lips right in front of her brother. wow. Oh those memories are so nice and they seem so far yet so near. Here it is after 1 so maybe I need to try to sleep.