It was nice to sleep in my own bed. We had made our bedroom Gail's since about July as Gail had so much going on at night and then after September 14 Cynthia and Mary had been working in the room so last night was the first time I used the bedroom for a LONG time. It was nice. Don't know why but I am still waking up many times a night. That often means I don't sleep as much as I would like.
The mornings are so so dark now. As I sit here a bit before 7 it looks like it could be midnight. The days are certainly much shorter than a couple months ago. I might add colder too!!
Yesterday was one of those "check gut" days. I ran some errands in the morning and was around the house the rest of the day. This may happen many many times but it was a day where the tears were just below the surface much of the time. I don't find myself angry, nor upset or anything close to that (maybe that will come) but for some reason more than any day so far the reality of Gail not being here ever again just stared me in the face most of the day. I thought of several silly or dumb things. I asked myself if I would now be the drink man! You may not understand but often when Gail and I were planning an event we would think of the single men as a source of the drinks for the event! I asked myself if I would be the 5th wheel meaning if someplace there were married couples and me. I asked myself if I would be more dependent or more independent now. Finally I asked myself HOW should or HOW do I make my life now. I do know that it is so close to Gail's death and those questions can't and shouldn't be answered now but at times things rattle around in my head and it actually is not loose screws. I also begin to think about many of the things Gail did and of course I have spent much time so far going through many things and it has become so clear that Gail just did not have the word "me" in her vocabulary. She did have the word "I" but it was ALWAYS what can I do for someone else. I often think of how when someone would come to visit or stay for a time Gail just put her agenda on hold and was there to serve, love and care for that person if needed. I think back of when her dad was dying of ALS and she literally gave most of a year of her life because she loved dad so much. She doctored for months after his death with things that were related to caring for him for several months. Of course she just would never had allowed it to be any other way. She carried her selflessness to the very end. The last time she ever left the house was to help Cynthia deliver Jude. She was weak but yet she stayed with Cynthia the whole day. She did want to be part of the birth but her focus was to serve her only daughter Cynthia. When she was so weak and in pain people would come and they would think she was doing so well. Little did they know that Gail was able to put that brave front on because she did not want others to worry about her. Many times after they left she would be exhausted and would need much time to rest. I do realize that after the fact it is easy to see things in a more Rosy light but really she was unbelievable. I now, more than ever, realize that her life was such an example of being Christ to EVERYONE she encountered every day.
Travis just arrived so it is off to breakfast.