Sunday, October 11, 2009

Year book of 1964

Cynthia brought down the Sargent Central 1964 year book. Oh my so many memories as that was the year Gail and I started dating. The time has gone so fast as life races.
I have been with family most of the day and that is good. John/Mary invited me over for breakfast and then Cynthia came over about noon and Mike joined us at 6 or so. We watched the twins go down to defeat. Somehow it really did not matter to me. I am now alone to sit, think, pray, ponder and just reflect on life, Gail and what may be ahead. I have come to believe that I am not impatient but I so do want some of the pain, the loneliness and the emptiness to fade. I don't expect it to go away, in fact it most likely will never go away but I really would like it to fade a bit. I know that I need to be alone, to just take time to sit and absorb where God has me in this time but it is painful to not be able to talk to Gail, not be able to touch her (I wish I would have hugged her more often), to look into her eyes and just be. I will never forget how everyone commented that her eyes were so clear, so alive and so beautiful until the very end. It may be difficult to wake up tomorrow as that will be 4 weeks.
It will be a long process but I have begun to think about who am I now, where am I going, how shall I live, how should I spend my time. I guess the bottom line question is now that I am alone and God willing could be here a long time who am I really. I have decided that I should keep Gail in my life by acting and living like she would have liked but I do not need to keep her as part of my life by doing things in the same way as she would. An example is the kitchen windows. I need to put some shades up and she had wanted to fix and put up some old bamboo ones. I will not do that just because she would have but rather I will do what I think I should put up. I don't know if I am clear to anyone or myself but I may try again to explain at a later blog. It may sound strange but it is difficult to make decisions about keeping pictures up, things up etc. It would be easy to just keep Gail in front of me forever but it may be the best to limit that and keep her close to my heart and honor her by being a better person.
I will be leaving tomorrow afternoon and will return Tuesday night. I am looking forward to getting out of town for a time. Mark Lauer is going up North to visit his dad and I will tag along.
Don't know if I mentioned but I put up a bale of straw with gourdes on it and corn stalks on the front posts. Gail loved to put corn up. I think we missed that last year and it would be easy for me to feel badly about that but I need to resist that.
As I sit at the dining table I see thank you notes to write, I think about windows to put on, boxes to go through, bills to pay etc. and I think I need to be thankful for much. I need to be underwhelmed by things and overwhelmed by God's goodness.

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