For Carmen--A new beginning--A new journey: Still Friday

Friday, October 9, 2009

Still Friday

I have been going to bed late which helps me sleep better so will blog a bit tonight. I feel that I am running on empty tonight. At times I have to fight ideas that I am inadequate. I know that is not true but those ideas tend to come. I went to a sporting goods store today and guess what? I turned to my old ideas which was to wander into the women's section and ask myself if I should buy Gail a pair of socks or something. Then I stopped at Nokomas Shoe shop and did the same thing. When I came home after spending time with Dan L I worked in the front of the garage and finished whatever I will do this fall there. It is now clear enough to drive the truck in and I put the walnut in also. There is still much work to do there but enough for now. Cynthia was here much of the day and Mike came over after a meeting. I thought I would go to men's group tomorrow morning but I just do not feel like it. I feel like my energy level, my emotional level and my mind is on the red dot near empty. There are times that I whistle, I sing etc but really in the end it just is so darn lonesome, empty and hollow I just do not know. Am I different than others who lose their spouse, I would guess not but does that make it easier, no. It seems to me that much of the lonesomeness is self pity. I certainly would not be sad for Gail but only for my own selfish reason but still the feeling does not go away.
Each day I have hope and anticipation that it will be easier and some days it is but then another "first" occurs and it seems like it is the same thing. It seems so strange because I have support that one could not buy for a million dollars and so many people show their love in so many ways sometimes I think it is tooo much and then I think what would one do without that? I can fully understand how or why some people do foolish things at times. I find my thoughts going way way back to childhood, to high school etc. I have not thought very much about those days for many many years. I will be out of town next Monday and Tuesday and I am hoping that will be a good thing.

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The first reading at Gail's funeral September 18, 2009

I know of no one who fit this better than Gail

Proverbs 31: 10-31
A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm.
all the days of her life.
She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.
She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
She gets up while it is still dark;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her servant girls.
She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
She sets about her work vigorously:
her arms are strong for her tasks.
She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her;
Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all."
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Give her the reward she has earned,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Well done good and faithful servant, your praise is much and your reward is to be with God forever.

Our Story

Our story begin in 1951, when Carmen was 4 and Gail was 5! We met as our parents were at a camera club. Fast forward--Carmen begin to attend grade school in town in 1957, the same school that Gail went to. Fast forward--We had our first date in the winter of 1964 in Gail's senior year of high school. Again--we were married June 1st of 1968. We moved to St. Paul in October of 1977 and lived at 2094 Niles Ave until Gail's death September 14 of 2009.
Gail first breast cancer was found in October of 2003. After surgery, chemo, radiation and infusions for a year she felt well and we lived life in our normal mode. Carmen retired in June of 2007 and shortly after that we quit doing the paper route as well. In the fall of 2007 we went on our dream vacation. We camped for 7 weeks in Prince Edward Island and Nova Scotia and in the New England states. Sleeping in our truck and eating over an open fire we felt that we had experienced heaven. Then in January of 2008 we spent 3 weeks in Hawaii with friends and again had so much fun. In the fall of 2008 we did much work on the outside of the house and we were so excited to enter 2009 with big plans and dreams. In January Gail was diagnosed with new cancer. For the next 7 1/2 months we prayed, changed our life style, laughed and cried often. As the end of Gail's life drew near she was peaceful and family cared for her at home until she met Jesus. It was a journey that was wonderful, exciting, blessed, full of life and full of love but of course it was too short. Gail is so missed but I know she is in a better place so my journey must continue on without my true love.
I enter a new decade as the "I" that I never wanted to be but I have hope. Hope of things not experienced and hope that life will again, in 2010, become something that I look forward to each morning. My hope is based on our Lord who gives all, who is all and who gives love to all who believe. I enter this new decade with so many questions and so few answers but with faith that all will be well.

For Carmen--A new beginning--A new journey

Friday, October 9, 2009

Still Friday

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The first reading at Gail's funeral September 18, 2009

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