Friday, October 9, 2009

Still Friday

I have been going to bed late which helps me sleep better so will blog a bit tonight. I feel that I am running on empty tonight. At times I have to fight ideas that I am inadequate. I know that is not true but those ideas tend to come. I went to a sporting goods store today and guess what? I turned to my old ideas which was to wander into the women's section and ask myself if I should buy Gail a pair of socks or something. Then I stopped at Nokomas Shoe shop and did the same thing. When I came home after spending time with Dan L I worked in the front of the garage and finished whatever I will do this fall there. It is now clear enough to drive the truck in and I put the walnut in also. There is still much work to do there but enough for now. Cynthia was here much of the day and Mike came over after a meeting. I thought I would go to men's group tomorrow morning but I just do not feel like it. I feel like my energy level, my emotional level and my mind is on the red dot near empty. There are times that I whistle, I sing etc but really in the end it just is so darn lonesome, empty and hollow I just do not know. Am I different than others who lose their spouse, I would guess not but does that make it easier, no. It seems to me that much of the lonesomeness is self pity. I certainly would not be sad for Gail but only for my own selfish reason but still the feeling does not go away.
Each day I have hope and anticipation that it will be easier and some days it is but then another "first" occurs and it seems like it is the same thing. It seems so strange because I have support that one could not buy for a million dollars and so many people show their love in so many ways sometimes I think it is tooo much and then I think what would one do without that? I can fully understand how or why some people do foolish things at times. I find my thoughts going way way back to childhood, to high school etc. I have not thought very much about those days for many many years. I will be out of town next Monday and Tuesday and I am hoping that will be a good thing.

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