I am not sure what Gail is writing but it was taken in 1964 which would have been the year she graduated from high school. I am sure she was deep into some project!!
It was a busy day. Meditations from 6-7 this morning, then I had breakfast with Jim C. After that I split some firewood and did some work outside. I did twist my back while splitting wood so that is not the greatest. Then over to the Winds to take some pictures for Jerry and then back home for a meeting. Tonight it was dinner at John/Marys as today is John's 40Th birthday. The meal was delicious and the evening was full of great conversation and of course little kids but in the middle of it all I lost it. I just could not get the thought out of my head how much Gail loved family things and her not seeing John turn 40. This actually is our 3rd family birthday without Gail, Cynthia, Travis and now John. I just miss her so much at those family events and part of it was how important they were to her. Of course one can say she is in a better place and we all know that but for the present that doesn't ease the pain.
So far December has been a very melancholy month for me. I have not been super sad, not depressed or anything like that but it has been difficult. I think some of it is the "merriment" of the season but I think more than that it is a slow but sure change of focus for me. I am ever so slowly beginning to build a memory bank of events without Gail. I now have memories of 3 birthdays without Gail, I have a Christmas tree venture without Gail, a Thanksgiving without Gail and the list goes on. It is a slow process but now I can think of missing Gail and all the things we did together but I can also think about my life and events in it without Gail. For me that is a BIG change and a difficult one to get a handle on and to maintain a sense of happiness. I really do feel that as time goes on I will be fine as a single guy and there will be many things about it that I like. Of course Gail will always be in my mind and I will always miss her but time will take some of the pain and then I will once again be able to enjoy life and the things the new me can do but for now that does seem far off. In my mind I try to hurry things along but I have come to accept that there is no "hurry" in the whole process, it just has to run it's course, darn!
As I drove home from John's party I had to pull over and dry my eyes. I have not had a good cry like that for some time. I almost came to the point of anger but was able to avoid that and as I pulled into the snowy driveway I was in a pretty good place. I hope it is still OK for a man to cry because if it isn't I could be in trouble.
Another day without decorations on the tree but once again I will make a promise to myself to do it tomorrow. We will see. I will have to shovel the walk tomorrow morning, winter is here to stay I think so let's be happy about it.
I have been thinking MUCH about Gail's last few months of life. The more I think about them the more precious that time becomes to me.
Time to quit. At times I think I am a bit long winded.