Saturday, December 26, 2009

Ramblings

Henry, Liam, Leo and Jude all lined up for that important picture.
This blog gives me a way to lay out thoughts. Tonight I need to ramble so if you are reading this and thinking you should be doing something important you may want to skip this!
Here I am alone again. Everyone has left and it is very quiet. I haven't even turned the music on. The light in the living room is only shining on baby Jesus. The tree stands decorated but dark as it has all Advent. Christmas 2009 is now history. Aaron and Amy will drive back to Madison tomorrow and it may be several months until they return here. John and Mary will turn their attention to getting ready to head to South Bend towards the end of next week for New Years. Travis said he will call Monday and I am not sure what Cynthia/Mike will be doing. I do know that Cynthia has been having some eye problems so she needs to figure why and get that behind her. The next "day" will be next Wednesday as Gail would have been 64 on December 30. Some of us will gather at the cemetery at 7:45 and then all go out for breakfast at 8:00. I do remember many of Gail's special birthdays. The nativity scene on her 40Th, the table on her 50Th, the special meal on her 60Th and there were others as well. I also remember the first birthday we celebrated together, it was in Ms Cox's basement apt which we were renting for 3 months and I made her a cake and gave her a cutting board. I have the picture hanging in the kitchen now.
I have many thoughts tonight. Last year Gail and I were probably sitting in the living room talking after all the business of the day. We had NO idea that Gail's cancer had returned to her body. We were "up" as we had been walking and losing weight. We were in the middle of the 18000 piece puzzle and Gail just could not stay away from it. Life was good as Cyn was expecting in May, it looked like we were finally getting some house projects done. All 1100 shakes were up and I was looking at doing the windows next summer. Little did we know and little did I know what the next Christmas would be like. Tonight it is so different of course. Gail is in heaven, Family continues to grow and expand. I am in the beginning of trying to figure out how to be an "I" again. I took a short walk tonight down the street. As I looked in the windows of homes some had lights on, some were dark and some looked like the owner may be away for some time. Many of the people I know somewhat. Judy, next door is dealing with her husband in a nursing home and she says living alone is very difficult, Mary Pat next to her is single and I don't know a lot about her but I do think why?, next to her is a couple who I say hi to and next to them is a lady who lives alone. Across the street there is a house where I know the marriage is very different and not very good, next to that is a couple who came to my open house and seem so nice, and next to them is a house that I don't care to know any more about. Down the street there is a man who comes and goes as if he is always on the go and gone most of the time. I thought God has all of us in such different situations and we need to make the most of what we have. I have always said and I do believe that when the door shuts in the front of a house nobody knows what happens behind that door. It may be life giving or it may be terrible but often we do not know. With all those thoughts I had to say I am grateful. I am grateful for what God has given me. I do not know why he chose me to live in such a wonderful Christian Community, I do not know why he gave me Gail for so long, and I sure do not know nor understand why Gail had to leave at the age of 63, I don't know why I have 7 healthy children or why I am blessed with almost 7 grand children. With all the blessings I am still so lonesome and so sad and so empty and God has told me that he understands but he assured me it will pass and there will once again be sunshine in the morning.
I printed out our new family picture but I am not sure when I will be able to put it up. There is something in me that says when I take the one down from last year and put up a new one there will be another moment of "truth" to Gail's being gone. I know that she is gone but there are little moments that trigger the truth and this will be one of them. I thought about putting an insert of her in the family picture but of course I know that is not the thing to do.
I have been thinking much about the passing of loved ones in my life. I have thought about my grandpa and grandma, about my mother and dad, about Gail's dad, about Scotty, about DeeAnne and others as well. The more I think the more I realize that life is short, it is precious and one needs to make the most of each moment. Actually I think that one thing that was so special about Gail was she lived for the moment, in the moment and did not dwell on moments in the past.
I have run out of words, out of emotions and out of energy.

2 comments:

michael adkins said...

Great picture, Carmen. I also like the new picture on your header... and the title too. God bless.
-Mike

Amy said...

Carmen,
Your family looks great! Gail must be so proud of all you have done to lead this amazing crew forward. I continue to pray for you daily. I love your new blog title and picture. I see joy in little faces, that I pray will bring peace in your heart - a gift to bring healing in grief.
May God bless you in this Christmas Season.