For much of December I have looked like I did in this 1954 picture of me and the dog. I think it was grandma's dog. She named it Whitey because she said she loved it so much and if anyone ever wanted to steal him they would never guess his name!!! I would say that I am holding on to memories of Gail just like I am hugging the dog. My expression says that I am a bit sad but as long as I can hug this dog (memories) I will be fine and sometime in the future I will get better.
I trimmed the tree yesterday and set up the Nativity scene. I have to adjust the lighting but all in all I would give myself a B-. I certainly do not have the the Gail touch but I didn't expect that. I also cleaned up the kitchen yesterday and today I am thinking of only the open house. There is a glint of excitement and a hint of fear in me. I want people to come and enjoy the season but doing it without Gail makes me a bit fearful. Not that it will go badly, but rather it is so so difficult to be cheerful in her absence.
I received my first Christmas cards yesterday. They came from Tony/Dorothy Flood (I think it is Flood but the return address said Binde) and from Kathy D. I was beginning to think the cards we usually get were going to Gail and she was having such a great time sharing them with her fellow angels that she had decided not to forward any of them. I checked the postmark on both cards and they did not come from heaven but rather from Fargo and Bloomer. I can not believe myself this year. I never was one to hurriedly open Christmas cards but wow this year I have been waiting and waiting for the mail to see if any cards come. As I reflected on my attitude I thought perhaps I was self centered or selfish but I have come to think that in the absence of Gail those cards fill some of the huge void. That may be something called relational thinking or it may be true.
For people out of state you may be interested to know that we now have 7.6" of snow on the ground and this morning it is -4. However that is nothing compared to Jamestown ND I know. The weather makes it a bit more difficult to deal with the loss of Gail. It is not as easy to go out the door and go for a walk and things like that. It also brings a whole new set of "firsts" and of course those are often not fun. As I was shoveling yesterday I remembered that Gail always loved to get outside and shovel and just enjoy the winter. The drops of tiny hot tears almost made little holes in the crusty snow. As I looked back on the sidewalk with a thin crust of snow where people had trampled the snow and my shovel did not get it off the walk I saw a couple of those drops and I cracked a tiny smile as I thought perhaps my trail looked like a dog in a hurry!!
I have lost my heart. Not to the loss of Gail but to Audrey and Faustina!!! Of course I love those grandsons as much as the granddaughters but those 2 little girls are just the cutest in the world. It may be their age but I suspect part of it is little girls. Maybe I can envision Gail when I am with them but if they had good speech and asked me for the moon I would ask when they wanted it.
I need to get up and do some errands and some work.
I can't forget. It is Gail's brother Mark's birthday today. I can never remember ages but he is the youngest in the family so he must be about 52-54. Happy birthday Mark.