For Carmen--A new beginning--A new journey: Back to the future

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Back to the future

For much of December I have looked like I did in this 1954 picture of me and the dog. I think it was grandma's dog. She named it Whitey because she said she loved it so much and if anyone ever wanted to steal him they would never guess his name!!! I would say that I am holding on to memories of Gail just like I am hugging the dog. My expression says that I am a bit sad but as long as I can hug this dog (memories) I will be fine and sometime in the future I will get better.
I trimmed the tree yesterday and set up the Nativity scene. I have to adjust the lighting but all in all I would give myself a B-. I certainly do not have the the Gail touch but I didn't expect that. I also cleaned up the kitchen yesterday and today I am thinking of only the open house. There is a glint of excitement and a hint of fear in me. I want people to come and enjoy the season but doing it without Gail makes me a bit fearful. Not that it will go badly, but rather it is so so difficult to be cheerful in her absence.
I received my first Christmas cards yesterday. They came from Tony/Dorothy Flood (I think it is Flood but the return address said Binde) and from Kathy D. I was beginning to think the cards we usually get were going to Gail and she was having such a great time sharing them with her fellow angels that she had decided not to forward any of them. I checked the postmark on both cards and they did not come from heaven but rather from Fargo and Bloomer. I can not believe myself this year. I never was one to hurriedly open Christmas cards but wow this year I have been waiting and waiting for the mail to see if any cards come. As I reflected on my attitude I thought perhaps I was self centered or selfish but I have come to think that in the absence of Gail those cards fill some of the huge void. That may be something called relational thinking or it may be true.
For people out of state you may be interested to know that we now have 7.6" of snow on the ground and this morning it is -4. However that is nothing compared to Jamestown ND I know. The weather makes it a bit more difficult to deal with the loss of Gail. It is not as easy to go out the door and go for a walk and things like that. It also brings a whole new set of "firsts" and of course those are often not fun. As I was shoveling yesterday I remembered that Gail always loved to get outside and shovel and just enjoy the winter. The drops of tiny hot tears almost made little holes in the crusty snow. As I looked back on the sidewalk with a thin crust of snow where people had trampled the snow and my shovel did not get it off the walk I saw a couple of those drops and I cracked a tiny smile as I thought perhaps my trail looked like a dog in a hurry!!
I have lost my heart. Not to the loss of Gail but to Audrey and Faustina!!! Of course I love those grandsons as much as the granddaughters but those 2 little girls are just the cutest in the world. It may be their age but I suspect part of it is little girls. Maybe I can envision Gail when I am with them but if they had good speech and asked me for the moon I would ask when they wanted it.
I need to get up and do some errands and some work.
I can't forget. It is Gail's brother Mark's birthday today. I can never remember ages but he is the youngest in the family so he must be about 52-54. Happy birthday Mark.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...: We have just a dusting of snow with 6 to 10 degrees below these last few mornings in Jamestown. You see some cars standing that don't start. Also some people slow at getting going.
Dave; December 10, 2009 at 11:35 AM

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The first reading at Gail's funeral September 18, 2009

I know of no one who fit this better than Gail

Proverbs 31: 10-31
A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm.
all the days of her life.
She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.
She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
She gets up while it is still dark;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her servant girls.
She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
She sets about her work vigorously:
her arms are strong for her tasks.
She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her;
Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all."
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Give her the reward she has earned,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Well done good and faithful servant, your praise is much and your reward is to be with God forever.

Our Story

Our story begin in 1951, when Carmen was 4 and Gail was 5! We met as our parents were at a camera club. Fast forward--Carmen begin to attend grade school in town in 1957, the same school that Gail went to. Fast forward--We had our first date in the winter of 1964 in Gail's senior year of high school. Again--we were married June 1st of 1968. We moved to St. Paul in October of 1977 and lived at 2094 Niles Ave until Gail's death September 14 of 2009.
Gail first breast cancer was found in October of 2003. After surgery, chemo, radiation and infusions for a year she felt well and we lived life in our normal mode. Carmen retired in June of 2007 and shortly after that we quit doing the paper route as well. In the fall of 2007 we went on our dream vacation. We camped for 7 weeks in Prince Edward Island and Nova Scotia and in the New England states. Sleeping in our truck and eating over an open fire we felt that we had experienced heaven. Then in January of 2008 we spent 3 weeks in Hawaii with friends and again had so much fun. In the fall of 2008 we did much work on the outside of the house and we were so excited to enter 2009 with big plans and dreams. In January Gail was diagnosed with new cancer. For the next 7 1/2 months we prayed, changed our life style, laughed and cried often. As the end of Gail's life drew near she was peaceful and family cared for her at home until she met Jesus. It was a journey that was wonderful, exciting, blessed, full of life and full of love but of course it was too short. Gail is so missed but I know she is in a better place so my journey must continue on without my true love.
I enter a new decade as the "I" that I never wanted to be but I have hope. Hope of things not experienced and hope that life will again, in 2010, become something that I look forward to each morning. My hope is based on our Lord who gives all, who is all and who gives love to all who believe. I enter this new decade with so many questions and so few answers but with faith that all will be well.

For Carmen--A new beginning--A new journey

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Back to the future

1 comment:

The first reading at Gail's funeral September 18, 2009

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