Monday, May 17, 2010

A new week and marching towards a new life

As I write this I am sitting at Cynthia/Mikes.  Cynthia has Jude at the dr for a check up on his kidney.  Faustina is still sleeping.
As the sun comes up this morning it looks like a glorious day.  I am hoping the sun and the rain of last week will make my new sod take root and grow well.  I think it is time now to plant some more things as those tomato plants I started look ready to go.  I remember last year they did not really take off until the warm weather in June but it is time to get them in the ground.
I am going to try hard to get out of my funk of yesterday afternoon.  Those kind of times are really difficult for me now.  Up to lately I could look at them and say TIME is needed but now that perhaps is still true but I feel God is urging me on to a new life.  In that new life I don't think there is room for funky times.  I know I will miss Gail forever, I know there will be triggers of emotion and I know that the sadness will be there but I do not think God wants me to dwell on that now.  It can come and it can go but I need to exhibit new life, new dreams, new ambitions and I need to be more alive than I was yesterday afternoon for sure.  As I was thinking yesterday I kind of had this vision of my heart in many compartments.  I think I need to move Gail into a different compartment.  The new compartment needs to be full of joy, full of love, full of happy memories and full of thankfulness BUT it can not contain the NOW.  The now needs to be full of grand kids, my children, camp, community, woodworking and DREAMS.  I actually do not know if I can or if I am ready for the "dream" part as that was so much a part of the "we" but I will give it my best shot.
Another thing I have to really work on is projects.  I realized yesterday that I just am struggling with doing things because it seems so empty to work towards things that are for me.  I mean things like making the yard nice.  Fine, but to work towards that and then to say to MYSELF that is nice seems so empty right now.  The lack of being able to share with Gail how to do something or that is pretty or whatever is something I need to over come.  I am not sure what my goal or focus should be as I know God wants us to take care of our things and be good stewards of what he has given us but to not have the intimate person to share that with is difficult.
One last thing.  I have found that not having Gail to talk to is a huge huge huge loss for me.  I have family to talk to and that is good, I have grand children to talk to and that is fun, I have friends to talk to and that is fine but to lack that "one" person who is close, who is real, who is intimate, who is understanding and to be perfectly honest who thinks just as I do just makes my life a bit empty.  The mind is such a powerful thing and for sure I need to make adjustments in the directions mine takes me!!!
From did I tell you
And did I tell you the challenge of being a man-the challenge of balancing your worlds--The need to achieve and the need to nurture.  The need to be strong and the need to be tender- The need to meet the tests that life brings yet always keep love at the center.  letting it be the star by which you set your sail.
I think I hear Faustina.

No comments: