Saturday, May 15, 2010

A new yard

It has been a busy 2 days.  Yesterday I drove to Ham Lake and purchased 40 rolls of sod.  Today 4 young people and an adult came over and worked from 9:30-3:45.  All the sod was put in, a table was taken apart, the garden space was leveled, the back of the garage was cleaned up and a load of junk was hauled out.  In addition to that some came over last night and cleaned my blinds and cleaned my china cabinet.  What a wonderful blessing to have young people and adults who are willing and eager to help.  The young people in People of Praise do this every spring for a weekend.  Now it is up to me to keep the water on it so that it takes off and grows.
I have been thinking a lot about me lately.  I think that now, 8 months after Gail left us it may be a time for me to take stock in a serious way who I am, where I am going and what I should do.  Not to make big changes or anything like that but I think I am, to some degree, beyond some of the emotion and could perhaps think better than I have done the last few months.  I still have tears but not too often.  I still miss Gail so much but I do not think of her 24/7.  I still have many many triggers that bring me back to "marriage days" but when that happens I can think a bit more clearly now.  I think the open wound of my heart at least has some kind of scab over it.
So tonight I met Ernie R for dinner and then after that I drove to my favorite spot near the river to just sit and think.  I found myself thinking of Gail some, of my children, my grandchildren and then I thought really what should I do?  I have to admit that I get lonesome.  Of course I am lonesome for Gail but I know that my past is not going to keep me going for the future.  So I asked myself some of these questions:
  • If Gail had lived after I died what would she have done and is that important or not?
  • How much should I be involved in the lives of my children?
  • How much should I be involved in the lives of my grandchildren?
  • How should I spend my time?
  • How should I spend my money?
  • Is there a road trip for me in the fall?
  • What tasks can I do that Gail did and what tasks that she did should I not do?
  • How many more years should I do Servant Camp?
  • Is my house too much house for me?
  • How important is my woodworking?
  • How should I divide my time between family, community and friends outside of community?
  • Do I view myself in a realistic manner?
I know and I realize that God needs to be the center of my life and he needs to be in all that I do but really given that I still need to be myself and be the "I" that God wants.  He knows more than I that I wanted Gail in my life for many many more years but he had other plans so I need to trust him to let me know the answers to the questions and I am sure he will.  I suppose I need time and more time and more time and..........
I find myself these days not too down, not too up, not too excited about life but really not to disappointed with life either.  I would say my bad days are farther and farther apart but I would say my really good days have not arrived yet!!!!   I am sure that is to come.  This grieving process is a very unique thing.  I have had in my mind since September that "one year" was the magic but I am finding I think I was wrong.  I think that God has a time table for each of his people and we need to find it for our self.  For me it may be 9 months but then it may be 2 years also.  I really think it will be on the shorter side but I certainly do not know that. 
So I guess I will just try to live life on a day to day schedule and see what happens.
From Did I tell you?
Did I tell you to serve other people if only in a small way.  There is growth and satisfaction in being part of something larger than yourself and your life will be richer for knowing this.
I know that for tonight I am not really sad but I am lonely.  There were times in the past when Gail and I would sit in the living room and ask ourselves what we should do for the evening.  What a wonderful problem to have!!!!

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