I have been thinking a lot about me lately. I think that now, 8 months after Gail left us it may be a time for me to take stock in a serious way who I am, where I am going and what I should do. Not to make big changes or anything like that but I think I am, to some degree, beyond some of the emotion and could perhaps think better than I have done the last few months. I still have tears but not too often. I still miss Gail so much but I do not think of her 24/7. I still have many many triggers that bring me back to "marriage days" but when that happens I can think a bit more clearly now. I think the open wound of my heart at least has some kind of scab over it.
So tonight I met Ernie R for dinner and then after that I drove to my favorite spot near the river to just sit and think. I found myself thinking of Gail some, of my children, my grandchildren and then I thought really what should I do? I have to admit that I get lonesome. Of course I am lonesome for Gail but I know that my past is not going to keep me going for the future. So I asked myself some of these questions:
- If Gail had lived after I died what would she have done and is that important or not?
- How much should I be involved in the lives of my children?
- How much should I be involved in the lives of my grandchildren?
- How should I spend my time?
- How should I spend my money?
- Is there a road trip for me in the fall?
- What tasks can I do that Gail did and what tasks that she did should I not do?
- How many more years should I do Servant Camp?
- Is my house too much house for me?
- How important is my woodworking?
- How should I divide my time between family, community and friends outside of community?
- Do I view myself in a realistic manner?
I find myself these days not too down, not too up, not too excited about life but really not to disappointed with life either. I would say my bad days are farther and farther apart but I would say my really good days have not arrived yet!!!! I am sure that is to come. This grieving process is a very unique thing. I have had in my mind since September that "one year" was the magic but I am finding I think I was wrong. I think that God has a time table for each of his people and we need to find it for our self. For me it may be 9 months but then it may be 2 years also. I really think it will be on the shorter side but I certainly do not know that.
So I guess I will just try to live life on a day to day schedule and see what happens.
From Did I tell you?
Did I tell you to serve other people if only in a small way. There is growth and satisfaction in being part of something larger than yourself and your life will be richer for knowing this.
I know that for tonight I am not really sad but I am lonely. There were times in the past when Gail and I would sit in the living room and ask ourselves what we should do for the evening. What a wonderful problem to have!!!!