Thursday, March 11, 2010

Gail, day 4 and she is as cute as ever

This is Gail the day of her first communion.  She actually, to me, looks like a little saint.  I think of her as my saint in heaven now.
As I look out the window there still is no sun and the sidewalks are wet.  The temp is 35 and I don't think we have gone below freezing for several days now.  The snow fort in the front yard which has held up since Christmas is sadly not much now.  I just heard a very loud thunder, doesn't sound like winter yet it is really not to spring like out either.
Most of yesterday I thought of Gail.  I think that in many ways it would be time for me to step out a bit more and begin to make that new life that God has for me.  I say new life from the view that Gail is no longer a part of my physical life, only in my heart.  I can do that in my head but I am having such a difficult time doing it in practice.  I know that I am not able to keep my mind on things in the right way.  Last evening I went to take my vit and meds and I had taken my evening ones in the morning.  Now that is just not me.  A couple of days ago I went to the store in the morning and late that afternoon I found some things in the sack that needed to be in the ref so my mind is NOT.  I know that one of these days I will be able to switch gears and in a good and healthy way will be able to start doing, thinking, and being like I should be but that has not started yet.  The bad things about it all is I am becoming aware that I should be able to move on a bit.  So that makes me up tight and actually at times makes me think that I am being too too "not normal" about Gail's death.  I know that 1000's of people lose their spouse and move on to a new and exciting life so I say to myself why can't I move yet?  I can tell my self 100's of times, I can look at myself in the mirror but still I just can not get my heart past that awful feeling that Gail is gone.  STILL I often just say out loud "I can't believe that Gail is not here".  The thing is most of the time now I am not terribly sad but I can't seem to get past the idea that my life is now a 50 piece puzzle and 25 pieces are missing and try as I might I can't find them.  It could also be likened to playing the drums without the drum sticks, how stupid is that.
NO my thoughts are almost spiriling down hill so I had better stop.
I am going to be a bit busy starting with the weekend.  Friday morning Wallace is in for a haircut, Friday night  is dinner and a play, I have decided to work Sat AM 8-12, on Monday it will be all day to northern MN with Mark L to get wood and then I will be busy all day on Tu as well.  I only hope that a busy person is a productive person.
Tomorrow is Amy Lee's birthday and then next Tuesday is Mary Lee's birthday.   Time to celebrate.

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