Wednesday, March 17, 2010

A new realization--good but sad

Just a quick note with no picture.  I went to men's group tonight.  We took time to pray over each other for things and it was very good.  God's grace is so present when that happens.  During this extended time before the Lord I realized that it was the FIRST time since Gail's death that I had been able to worship or pray without losing my composure.  However on the way home I was driving alone and I became aware that for the first time I was beginning to think of myself as me and many of the things I had in my mind were me, not we.  As I thought about that I lost my self for a short period of time.  Of course I KNOW that I must get to that place all the time and the times of Gail and I going, coming or whatever need to be contained in my memory bank but not in my real life.  I just thought Lord I don't really know if I am ready for this.  The "me" seems real but yet quite empty, pretty dull, not alive enough but I am sure it will change with time and I can enjoy the memories and live in the real that I go places, I do things, I make decisions and the I goes on and on and on.  The Lord must know I am ready if he put it in my mind but if it were up to me I would say please wait a while, I want to remain living in the us for a period of time--but.
I was invited out for St. Patty Day green beer tonight but declined.  I don't thing I am ready to celebrate in that way but I did appreciate the thought.  I think my St. Patty's Day celebration may be going to bed at 10:30, sounds boring but inviting.
I also realized that I need to get to work and not check my e-mail so much.  I was busy this afternoon so I did not check it for about 7 hours.  As I arrived home I opened it up excited that I would have some notes to read and much to my disappointment there were none.  It was then I said wait a minute, you had better live for life, not e-mails!!!!  Some how those e-mails seem to fill the void of an empty house but I think that needs to change.  I guess if that is the most important thing I need to change it isn't too bad.   However it isn't!!!

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