For Carmen--A new beginning--A new journey: A new realization--good but sad

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

A new realization--good but sad

Just a quick note with no picture. I went to men's group tonight. We took time to pray over each other for things and it was very good. God's grace is so present when that happens. During this extended time before the Lord I realized that it was the FIRST time since Gail's death that I had been able to worship or pray without losing my composure. However on the way home I was driving alone and I became aware that for the first time I was beginning to think of myself as me and many of the things I had in my mind were me, not we. As I thought about that I lost my self for a short period of time. Of course I KNOW that I must get to that place all the time and the times of Gail and I going, coming or whatever need to be contained in my memory bank but not in my real life. I just thought Lord I don't really know if I am ready for this. The "me" seems real but yet quite empty, pretty dull, not alive enough but I am sure it will change with time and I can enjoy the memories and live in the real that I go places, I do things, I make decisions and the I goes on and on and on. The Lord must know I am ready if he put it in my mind but if it were up to me I would say please wait a while, I want to remain living in the us for a period of time--but.
I was invited out for St. Patty Day green beer tonight but declined. I don't thing I am ready to celebrate in that way but I did appreciate the thought. I think my St. Patty's Day celebration may be going to bed at 10:30, sounds boring but inviting.
I also realized that I need to get to work and not check my e-mail so much. I was busy this afternoon so I did not check it for about 7 hours. As I arrived home I opened it up excited that I would have some notes to read and much to my disappointment there were none. It was then I said wait a minute, you had better live for life, not e-mails!!!! Some how those e-mails seem to fill the void of an empty house but I think that needs to change. I guess if that is the most important thing I need to change it isn't too bad. However it isn't!!!

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The first reading at Gail's funeral September 18, 2009

I know of no one who fit this better than Gail

Proverbs 31: 10-31
A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm.
all the days of her life.
She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.
She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
She gets up while it is still dark;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her servant girls.
She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
She sets about her work vigorously:
her arms are strong for her tasks.
She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her;
Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all."
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Give her the reward she has earned,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Well done good and faithful servant, your praise is much and your reward is to be with God forever.

Our Story

Our story begin in 1951, when Carmen was 4 and Gail was 5! We met as our parents were at a camera club. Fast forward--Carmen begin to attend grade school in town in 1957, the same school that Gail went to. Fast forward--We had our first date in the winter of 1964 in Gail's senior year of high school. Again--we were married June 1st of 1968. We moved to St. Paul in October of 1977 and lived at 2094 Niles Ave until Gail's death September 14 of 2009.
Gail first breast cancer was found in October of 2003. After surgery, chemo, radiation and infusions for a year she felt well and we lived life in our normal mode. Carmen retired in June of 2007 and shortly after that we quit doing the paper route as well. In the fall of 2007 we went on our dream vacation. We camped for 7 weeks in Prince Edward Island and Nova Scotia and in the New England states. Sleeping in our truck and eating over an open fire we felt that we had experienced heaven. Then in January of 2008 we spent 3 weeks in Hawaii with friends and again had so much fun. In the fall of 2008 we did much work on the outside of the house and we were so excited to enter 2009 with big plans and dreams. In January Gail was diagnosed with new cancer. For the next 7 1/2 months we prayed, changed our life style, laughed and cried often. As the end of Gail's life drew near she was peaceful and family cared for her at home until she met Jesus. It was a journey that was wonderful, exciting, blessed, full of life and full of love but of course it was too short. Gail is so missed but I know she is in a better place so my journey must continue on without my true love.
I enter a new decade as the "I" that I never wanted to be but I have hope. Hope of things not experienced and hope that life will again, in 2010, become something that I look forward to each morning. My hope is based on our Lord who gives all, who is all and who gives love to all who believe. I enter this new decade with so many questions and so few answers but with faith that all will be well.

For Carmen--A new beginning--A new journey

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

A new realization--good but sad

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The first reading at Gail's funeral September 18, 2009

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