For Carmen--A new beginning--A new journey: What??

Saturday, March 20, 2010

What??

I don't really know why I am signing on again. When I went up to the store the thought of "journey" came into my head and I just can not get it out. I was thinking how life IS a journey, it is not a honeymoon, it is not a vacation, it is not a mission, it is not a movie but it is a journey---One that we all must walk even if we don't like it. We often have no choice but to take detours, there are often steep hills to climb, there are often dark places we must visit, there are sometimes bright sunny skies that we never want to leave behind, sometimes we meet people who we do not like, sometimes we meet people who we fall in love with but must leave, sometimes each step feels like a thousand and sometimes a thousand steps seem like one. AND when our journey ends, like Gail in September, we will stand before our maker, our creaters and will answer. The questions will be something like these:

Did you give life your all
Did you love the Lord your God
Did you smile at the sad and help the poor
Did you expect to serve and not be served
Did you help those who could not help back
Did you love those who could not love back
Did you walk the extra mile
Did you forgive and forget

In my journey now I feel like I am walking in darkness. My family is so great but yet my current walk is one of living in the absence of Gail. Each day I feel like there is a wall to climb. On that wall are emotions, memories, loneliness, tears, questions, helplessness, fatigue, emptiness and sorrow. I don't feel that I am really sad or angry but really my journey is one that I and only I can walk. After all Jesus died on the cross and he was alone. Now I am not equating myself to any holy person but rather looking at Jesus as an example in how I or anyone must walk the journey. I know that in time my journey will be beyond that wall in many ways and then there will be more sunshine, more comfort and more joy. I have joy now but it is only in knowing that I am on the right path, I am going in the right direction and in the end my journey will be life everlasting with the Lord and with loved ones in my life like my beloved Gail. So for now I am happy, not in the sense of emotion but in the sense of doing what is right.
Like I said I don't know why I signed on but I am in a better place now then a while ago today.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...: I like your journey perspective Carmen! Thanks for sharing that.
Steve; March 20, 2010 at 8:31 PM

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The first reading at Gail's funeral September 18, 2009

I know of no one who fit this better than Gail

Proverbs 31: 10-31
A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm.
all the days of her life.
She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.
She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
She gets up while it is still dark;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her servant girls.
She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
She sets about her work vigorously:
her arms are strong for her tasks.
She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her;
Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all."
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Give her the reward she has earned,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Well done good and faithful servant, your praise is much and your reward is to be with God forever.

Our Story

Our story begin in 1951, when Carmen was 4 and Gail was 5! We met as our parents were at a camera club. Fast forward--Carmen begin to attend grade school in town in 1957, the same school that Gail went to. Fast forward--We had our first date in the winter of 1964 in Gail's senior year of high school. Again--we were married June 1st of 1968. We moved to St. Paul in October of 1977 and lived at 2094 Niles Ave until Gail's death September 14 of 2009.
Gail first breast cancer was found in October of 2003. After surgery, chemo, radiation and infusions for a year she felt well and we lived life in our normal mode. Carmen retired in June of 2007 and shortly after that we quit doing the paper route as well. In the fall of 2007 we went on our dream vacation. We camped for 7 weeks in Prince Edward Island and Nova Scotia and in the New England states. Sleeping in our truck and eating over an open fire we felt that we had experienced heaven. Then in January of 2008 we spent 3 weeks in Hawaii with friends and again had so much fun. In the fall of 2008 we did much work on the outside of the house and we were so excited to enter 2009 with big plans and dreams. In January Gail was diagnosed with new cancer. For the next 7 1/2 months we prayed, changed our life style, laughed and cried often. As the end of Gail's life drew near she was peaceful and family cared for her at home until she met Jesus. It was a journey that was wonderful, exciting, blessed, full of life and full of love but of course it was too short. Gail is so missed but I know she is in a better place so my journey must continue on without my true love.
I enter a new decade as the "I" that I never wanted to be but I have hope. Hope of things not experienced and hope that life will again, in 2010, become something that I look forward to each morning. My hope is based on our Lord who gives all, who is all and who gives love to all who believe. I enter this new decade with so many questions and so few answers but with faith that all will be well.

For Carmen--A new beginning--A new journey

Saturday, March 20, 2010

What??

1 comment:

The first reading at Gail's funeral September 18, 2009

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