Wednesday, March 24, 2010
An important day
I spent much of my day in the shop. It was good for my soul. I lost myself for some of that time. I was able to not miss Gail so much, forget about e-mail, forget about a disordered house, forget about everything but wood and it was fun. Of course when I needed a break I came into an empty house and it hit me but that is life for now and it will be fine. Will D brought me an apple fritter so enjoyed that and had a nice chat with Will. I do have a small project to do for him and need to get that done soon.
The day and actually the week has been a bit slow and I guess I really needed that. I find that even though I am now almost 7 1/2 months beyond life with Gail the process of letting go, of putting a new life in place and figuring out everything is still exhausting. I can do a little work and just be tired out and some times I can do almost no work and be tired so the story line is still time--time--time--time.
I think I need to find a "filler" for the evening hours. Those were the times during the last 6 years of Gail's life when we would often sit, talk and spend time together. We talked about me getting into something during those times as Gail would knit etc. but now the evening can tend to be LONG. I can keep myself busy with computer or work but really I need to come up with something that I can use as "down" time and not so feel the emptiness of Gail. Something that uses my physical skills and uses my time so that I am doing something useful and the time goes by.
It is again hard to believe that one week from today is the last day of March. Wow it doesn't seem possible but yet time seems to speed up each week. Can't be, right?
Tonight is one of those nights when I feel a bit down. Not depressed, not totally sad but rather like someone who is madly in love with their spouse and that spouse is away for a few days. I think I am beyond feeling like Gail should be here, time has let me know that she is physically gone. But I do sometimes have a feeling like I am just not complete, not whole and actually I guess that is correct. It will come, it will come, it will come, that is what I need to say again and again.
In men's group tonight Ernie talked about how God has made it so that he needs our love to be more complete. I feel that is just like a marriage. A couple needs each other to be all each of them can be. As a marriage grows so do the individuals in that marriage even though they are not really individuals any more, they are one. Now for me it is a whole new experience, I need to be all I should and can be but I need to learn how to be or do that without Gail, I will try my best.
Where there is expectations there is hope, where there is hope there are dreams and where there are dreams there is life. I have expectations, I have hope but I have yet to dream, it will come.