Wednesday, March 3, 2010
What I am going to share next actually sounds a bit sappy, if that is a word I don't know but it somehow explains what I felt. I went on a 3 mile walk this morning and as I walked north towards the University of St. Thomas the sun was shining on my back. It felt as if God had his hand on my shoulder. It was so warm, so comforting I felt like walking forever. As I then walked towards the river and headed back I could almost feel and hear God at my side. Like I said a bit sappy maybe!!! Any how I so enjoyed the hour walk. When I am able to do that I don't take a radio or anything I just simply walk, listen and think. It seemed to me that today as I walked God was saying I need time. I need to heal, I need to relax and I need to just be me for a few months. It seems that the "absence of Gail" will linger for a time. It never will cease but it will hang in the air, heavy like a cloud for some time yet. I am amazed at my emotions. As I drove to the store today I was singing one minute and the next I had tears. I was happy for a while and then I just was so sad. I may have said this before but I am not sad for Gail, I am not said to be alone it is just the "absence" that hangs so heavy at times and knowing that so many of the plans, so many of the dreams we had of living together into old age will never come to pass. Of course I accept that, I can live with that but for now it makes me sad at times. There are times I just sit and think what will I be doing in a year, in two years, in five years. Maybe that is some of that ability to "dream" coming back that I totally lost when Gail died. We will see but for now I need to live life one day at a time.
I will go have soup with Cynthia tonight and then to a men's night at Jim's. Maybe I should get some work done now!!!