For Carmen--A new beginning--A new journey: I hope

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

I hope

It may be pie in the sky but this picture was taken March 8 five years ago. I hope we don't see that again this year. I know that March normally has 10 inches of snow butttt one can hope.
What I am going to share next actually sounds a bit sappy, if that is a word I don't know but it somehow explains what I felt. I went on a 3 mile walk this morning and as I walked north towards the University of St. Thomas the sun was shining on my back. It felt as if God had his hand on my shoulder. It was so warm, so comforting I felt like walking forever. As I then walked towards the river and headed back I could almost feel and hear God at my side. Like I said a bit sappy maybe!!! Any how I so enjoyed the hour walk. When I am able to do that I don't take a radio or anything I just simply walk, listen and think. It seemed to me that today as I walked God was saying I need time. I need to heal, I need to relax and I need to just be me for a few months. It seems that the "absence of Gail" will linger for a time. It never will cease but it will hang in the air, heavy like a cloud for some time yet. I am amazed at my emotions. As I drove to the store today I was singing one minute and the next I had tears. I was happy for a while and then I just was so sad. I may have said this before but I am not sad for Gail, I am not said to be alone it is just the "absence" that hangs so heavy at times and knowing that so many of the plans, so many of the dreams we had of living together into old age will never come to pass. Of course I accept that, I can live with that but for now it makes me sad at times. There are times I just sit and think what will I be doing in a year, in two years, in five years. Maybe that is some of that ability to "dream" coming back that I totally lost when Gail died. We will see but for now I need to live life one day at a time.
I will go have soup with Cynthia tonight and then to a men's night at Jim's. Maybe I should get some work done now!!!

2 comments:

Anonymous said...: We grew up with that word. I remember from way back dad's story about the boy who was so excited, his girl friend called him sugar. Then he found out that sugar was dried sap.
I don't think your experience was sappy. God does go with us and sometimes He makes Himself known more than before. What you describe sounds like God wanted you to know He is close giving you comfort and wisdom. He is that kind of God.
Dave; March 3, 2010 at 8:53 PM
Anonymous said...: Dad must have told you boys more stories than us girls! I don't remember anything like that but I like it and how it applies. I do remember the use of the word "sappy" from Dad. It's a much better word than some I hear used today. You're not sappy and I totally agree with Dave.
Helen; March 3, 2010 at 10:48 PM

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The first reading at Gail's funeral September 18, 2009

I know of no one who fit this better than Gail

Proverbs 31: 10-31
A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm.
all the days of her life.
She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.
She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
She gets up while it is still dark;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her servant girls.
She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
She sets about her work vigorously:
her arms are strong for her tasks.
She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her;
Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all."
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Give her the reward she has earned,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Well done good and faithful servant, your praise is much and your reward is to be with God forever.

Our Story

Our story begin in 1951, when Carmen was 4 and Gail was 5! We met as our parents were at a camera club. Fast forward--Carmen begin to attend grade school in town in 1957, the same school that Gail went to. Fast forward--We had our first date in the winter of 1964 in Gail's senior year of high school. Again--we were married June 1st of 1968. We moved to St. Paul in October of 1977 and lived at 2094 Niles Ave until Gail's death September 14 of 2009.
Gail first breast cancer was found in October of 2003. After surgery, chemo, radiation and infusions for a year she felt well and we lived life in our normal mode. Carmen retired in June of 2007 and shortly after that we quit doing the paper route as well. In the fall of 2007 we went on our dream vacation. We camped for 7 weeks in Prince Edward Island and Nova Scotia and in the New England states. Sleeping in our truck and eating over an open fire we felt that we had experienced heaven. Then in January of 2008 we spent 3 weeks in Hawaii with friends and again had so much fun. In the fall of 2008 we did much work on the outside of the house and we were so excited to enter 2009 with big plans and dreams. In January Gail was diagnosed with new cancer. For the next 7 1/2 months we prayed, changed our life style, laughed and cried often. As the end of Gail's life drew near she was peaceful and family cared for her at home until she met Jesus. It was a journey that was wonderful, exciting, blessed, full of life and full of love but of course it was too short. Gail is so missed but I know she is in a better place so my journey must continue on without my true love.
I enter a new decade as the "I" that I never wanted to be but I have hope. Hope of things not experienced and hope that life will again, in 2010, become something that I look forward to each morning. My hope is based on our Lord who gives all, who is all and who gives love to all who believe. I enter this new decade with so many questions and so few answers but with faith that all will be well.

For Carmen--A new beginning--A new journey

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

I hope

2 comments:

The first reading at Gail's funeral September 18, 2009

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